To be angry at ex hiding cancer diagnosis?

[PlainJaneBrain]

After 25+ years together we’ve been separated for 2 and half years now but remained very close and dependent on each other not least as co-parents, but aside from living in different house and flat from each other, we probably usually spend more time in each others’ company than we did when we were together.

We saw less of each other over summer than we normally do and I thought that was just down to our holidays and the kids not aligning particularly well. But I found out on Friday that he was diagnosed with stage 3 prostate cancer at the end of July and has had several rounds of radiotherapy. He didn’t tell anyone except someone he works with so he could take time off (he’s actually self employed and told this other person so they could cover his work when needed). But he didn’t tell me, his own Mum, siblings or anyone else. I found out almost by accident (snooping in his post while at his flat). I ended up confronting him and he was just so bloody casual about it it’s really upset me and made me angry.

I wouldn’t mind but when we were together he was the world’s worst hypochondriac and now he’s like “it’s no one’s business and who cares anyway”. He’s lost quite a bit of weight and obviously lied to me about that saying he was dieting.

I know he doesn’t believe it but he still means the world to me and I’m gutted he doesn’t want me to go through this with him.

AIBU to think 1. He should have told me, and 2. He should keep me updated? We have two early teen kids.

You've behaved terribly, snooping in his post, confronting him with something he'd clearly chosen to keep to himself which he had every right to do, and, now, making it all about you.

It's not all about you love

Presumably he doesn’t want anyone making a fuss. You really should respect his way of dealing with it.

Perhaps, just perhaps, he was trying to spare you and the children the worry by completing his treatment and getting the all clear. Poor man - probably trying to be thoughtful - and to have it thrown back in his face. YABVU.

The self-absorption is strong in this one.

I suspect he thinks of you as more of an ex than you realise.

FWIW, if I had a similarly serious diagnosis, I don't think I would tell anyone unless there was a legal reason for me to do so (eg making wills).

Heis dealing in his own way with a life threatening illness. You need to stop being selfish and considerate his feelings.

Well. you didn't tell him you'd been fucking somebody else until it suited you to do so, seems fair enough that he doesn't tell you he's got cancer until it suits him to do so, really.

I’m gutted he doesn’t want me to go through this with him.

Can't for the life of me think why that might be OP.

I ended up confronting him and he was just so bloody casual about it it’s really upset me and made me angry.

This statement is the most selfish, self centred thing I’ve read for a long time! It’s upset you and made you angry….. what about your ex?

yu are crazy his body his illness his choice maybe he didn't tell you as he knew what you where like and he didn't want any drama he is under enough stress without you making a song and dance about your feelings

It's a privilege to be accepted into someone's life at times like this. You are not together for reasons you haven't specified. You have no right IMHO to expect to be included in the list of people he wants to be a part of this time in his life. Even if he's weaponising his illness against you... it's his life and you're not as big a part of it as you think or would like to be. I speculate that he's harbouring a very negative feeling about you for some reason... but I could be wrong... he may just want to be very private about this... you should know him after all this time - what's your take on it?

I know he doesn’t believe it but he still means the world to me and I’m gutted he doesn’t want me to go through this with him.

I mean this, allied with the fact that you went through his private post demonstrates that you are the stalker ex from Hell.

I'm not surprised he doesn't want to share his cancer diagnosis with you, or have you 'support' him through treatment.

You sound awful, I’m not surprised you’re his ex

🍿

What a completely disingenuous and silly comment from you!!

Personally I wouldn't tell my ex because he's not involved, and if anything happens to me I have my friend down as legal guardian in my will.

But in a close co-parenting relationship (which I previously had with my ex) then yes I would tell him and expect him to tell me. And it would be the norm for people to do so.

I coparented. I wouldn’t tell my ex - and I haven’t.

If you're in love with him (sounds like it), be with him. If you're not (or you are but he doesn't want to get back together), stop snooping, stop being "dependent" (sounds like you're dependent and he's not, from this), and make a clear break. Just communicate about the kids, and stay out of his house. You're a couple or you're not. If you're regretting your choices now, don't make him pay for it; he has enough on his plate.

Blimey. If you reacted like that (and snooping through his mail, wtf?!) I bet he's glad you're his ex.

Fair.

Agreed!

OP sounds awful - really bad. Your poor ex. It is HIS illness so up to HIM how HE deals with it. I would be furious with her

I can't believe you have to ask if YABU. You could not BE any more unreasonable. Utterly repugnant behaviour. And as for opening his mail. I would lose my shit if my ex did that to me. (Even if my own DH did it I would be pissed off.)

Really @PlainJaneBrain ?!

It's none of your business. It really sounds as if you are still really emeshed in this relationship in quite an unhealthy way.

This.

After 25+ years together

Fuck knows how ...