To be angry at ex hiding cancer diagnosis?

[PlainJaneBrain]

After 25+ years together we’ve been separated for 2 and half years now but remained very close and dependent on each other not least as co-parents, but aside from living in different house and flat from each other, we probably usually spend more time in each others’ company than we did when we were together.

We saw less of each other over summer than we normally do and I thought that was just down to our holidays and the kids not aligning particularly well. But I found out on Friday that he was diagnosed with stage 3 prostate cancer at the end of July and has had several rounds of radiotherapy. He didn’t tell anyone except someone he works with so he could take time off (he’s actually self employed and told this other person so they could cover his work when needed). But he didn’t tell me, his own Mum, siblings or anyone else. I found out almost by accident (snooping in his post while at his flat). I ended up confronting him and he was just so bloody casual about it it’s really upset me and made me angry.

I wouldn’t mind but when we were together he was the world’s worst hypochondriac and now he’s like “it’s no one’s business and who cares anyway”. He’s lost quite a bit of weight and obviously lied to me about that saying he was dieting.

I know he doesn’t believe it but he still means the world to me and I’m gutted he doesn’t want me to go through this with him.

AIBU to think 1. He should have told me, and 2. He should keep me updated? We have two early teen kids.

If you meant the world to him he’d have told you. Not everyone wants to discuss serious medical issues with their ex or their family.

Yea, I can see why he divorced you.

Looking at the OP’s previous posts, it’s easy to see why her ex-boyfriend had trust issues anyway. Now she’s gone snooping through his post!

Yeah this is giving bunny boiler vibes.

“I know he doesn’t believe it but he still means the world to me and I’m gutted he doesn’t want me to go through this with him”

I'm gutted he doesn’t want me to go through this with him.

Get over yourself, FFS. There's presumably a reason you're divorced.

I think OP’s shock is that he’s clearly not ‘dependent’ on her as she’s posted in the OP. This OP has posted many times about not really being able to accept the separation. This has finally made it crystal clear.

I share a child with my ex - he has absolutely no right on earth to know anything about my health status, financial status, employment status or anything else.

In your ex partners shoes I'd be wondering if I could take out a restraining order against you.

Snooping, confronting him about what you found out whilst snooping and making it all about you whilst the poor man is going through cancer treatment is appalling behaviour.

You should apologise to him but I doubt you will because you don't seem to think you have done anything wrong.

Possibly they would. But it doesn't remove the fact that it's still his private medical information and he is under zero obligation to tell her. It is his choice to tell people or not. I have cancer. I'm limiting the number of people I tell because I don't want them to worry. It's not a Mumsnet rule, it's my choice!

I can't imagine how furious I would be if I discovered somebody found this out by going through my post and then made it all about them!

Yeah I’d be reporting to the police for stalking and harassment.

Your behaviour is so outrageous I find it hard to believe it's real.

If you want a relationship where you tell each other everything then you don't separate, you have no right to know what's happening in his life just because you share DC. You're one of those people who thinks they own their Ex forever because you have DC, well sorry but you're wrong

I‘m married and I don’t look at my DH’s correspondence, because, you know, private.

You might reflect on your own behaviour here and not make his diagnosis about you.

You sound absolutely awful.

You are very unreasonable. Snooping through your exs mail is unacceptable.

You are divorced. You have no right to know anything about your exs health. He has moved on. Accept it.

It is 100% his business. Keep your nose out.

Sounds like you still love him and this could be the time to tell him

it’s his business and I’d do similar because other people being dramatic would stress me out

x

Well, in your - seriously deranged - case I can 100% see why he didn't share his diagnosis.

Of course you’re BU! You’re separated! All the blah blah about spending time together counts for zilch if you are not a couple any more.

Medical issues are for that person alone to decide how to deal with. If he doesn’t want the kids to know, that’s his right.

Prostate cancer is very common in older men, (I assume he’s no spring chicken if you were together 25 years) and many live long active lives with it, without too much trouble.

As for snooping through his post, I have no words.

Reading someone’s private medical correspondence without permission is illegal and an invasion of privacy.

Confronting someone about a serious medical diagnosis and making it about you, even though it’s none of your business, is so obviously wrong that I’m struggling to believe this is real.

698 votes
96% YABU

I think that is pretty much unanimous by MN standards. I’m sorry for your ex that he is ill but this is madness making your ex’s illness all about you. It is really not ok.

OP, I'm a man, I suffer with enlarged prostate / prostatitis, may very well get prostate cancer at some point. I know several friends who have it, at various stages, and don't talk about it.

I only found out a mate had it as he had a packet of Tamsulosin on his dining table, causing me to say "dicky prostate then?"

Men, by in large, don't talk about health matters in the way the ladies do - I teach in a large school with quite a tight staff and know all about various ladies ops for this and that as they like to share (which is fine), nothing, nada, will about any of the chaps.

Is it bad men don't talk that way, probably yes, buts its how we as a gender seem to operate.

Let the guy get on with it, he simply doesn't want a fuss.

It’s very common for people to keep this sort of health information to themselves for many reasons. It’s understandable for you to feel upset but YABU to expect he would tell you. Make sure not to centre yourself at this time, a cancer diagnoses is always traumatic and people cope in whatever ways they can.

AIBU to think 1. He should have told me, and 2. He should keep me updated? We have two early teen kids.

Did you even stop to think 1. Not telling any one was perhaps his choice as a way of coping with a terrible situation where he doesn't otherwise have much control. That he wanted some normality in his life, to be treated as himself, instead of being seen as a cancer sufferer. You have taken that choice and control away from him at a time when HE needed it. What you want is irrelevant here. 2. No your ex's private health is none of your business unless he chooses to share with you.

You need to apologise for snooping and tell him you will keep out of his business/not mention it again, act normal, but if he wants to talk you are there. And do not tell another soul, it is his choice.

You aren't married, you're separated. Why are you snooping through his mail in the first place? I'd be furious if I was him.

You aren't in a relationship. Stop making his cancer diagnosis all about you.