To be angry at ex hiding cancer diagnosis?

[PlainJaneBrain]

After 25+ years together we’ve been separated for 2 and half years now but remained very close and dependent on each other not least as co-parents, but aside from living in different house and flat from each other, we probably usually spend more time in each others’ company than we did when we were together.

We saw less of each other over summer than we normally do and I thought that was just down to our holidays and the kids not aligning particularly well. But I found out on Friday that he was diagnosed with stage 3 prostate cancer at the end of July and has had several rounds of radiotherapy. He didn’t tell anyone except someone he works with so he could take time off (he’s actually self employed and told this other person so they could cover his work when needed). But he didn’t tell me, his own Mum, siblings or anyone else. I found out almost by accident (snooping in his post while at his flat). I ended up confronting him and he was just so bloody casual about it it’s really upset me and made me angry.

I wouldn’t mind but when we were together he was the world’s worst hypochondriac and now he’s like “it’s no one’s business and who cares anyway”. He’s lost quite a bit of weight and obviously lied to me about that saying he was dieting.

I know he doesn’t believe it but he still means the world to me and I’m gutted he doesn’t want me to go through this with him.

AIBU to think 1. He should have told me, and 2. He should keep me updated? We have two early teen kids.

Doesn’t matter. She doesn’t have to know until he decides.

What did you think people were going to say when you admitted looking at his post? It’s rather brave of you saying that however.

Well this thread is just a perfect example of MN world rules compared to actual world rules.

In real life obviously people would tell their co-parent if they've been diagnosed with cancer.

I think were supposed to admire the resourcefulness.

You sound awful.

You sound awful.

Snooping his post is a gross invasion of privacy.

no one - regardless of who they are - has any right to any information about my health unless I choose to tell them.

They are split up. It is nothing to do with her.

But @PlainJaneBrain isn’t going to come back. I bet. And if she does she will have a million excuses why it was her “right”.

No. It wasn’t.

I can see why you’re his ex!!!

I’m not telling my ex. It is none of his business.

In real life obviously people would tell their co-parent if they've been diagnosed with cancer
…in their own time! Not because someone has snooped through their post and confronted them.
Right now, there is probably so little that he has control over and who and when someone learns of his condition was probably one of the few that he had.
If, in the end, he did not want OP or their children to know then that is his prerogative.

Would they? I wouldn’t.

Picture, if you can, how this thread would go if a man posted on here that he had been snooping through his ex-wife’s post and found out that she had an abortion/hysterectomy/cancer diagnosis. Just what do you think the reaction here would be?

What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

It’s his diagnosis. It’s not about you, it’s not about how you feel or about whether you want to be part of it. He chose to go through it alone because that’s what he wanted, he doesn’t owe it to you to tell you or have you be part of this. You have invaded his privacy massively by reading his private and confidential medical post and by confronting him. Do you always lack empathy and make things all about you?

What a silly comment. Why would anyone need to tell an ex their personal medical information. The kids are teenagers not little children.

I know he doesn’t believe it but he still means the world to me and I’m gutted he doesn’t want me to go through this with him.

In his shoes you wouldn't be going through this, my post, my home or anything else ever again. I would want nothing more to do with you on any level other than picking up and dropping off the kids.

YABU. This isn’t about you yet here you are making it about how you feel. It’s his body, his life, him going through it, he gets to decide who knows

Exactly.

Imagine if I said

My ex has snooped my post and found out I’m having a total hysterectomy and my ovaries removed in a week and a half. I’ll have to have chemo and/or radio after depending on what they find and he’s posting all over the internet that he has rights and I should have told him.

Seconded. And if the children are old enough to travel alone, not even that.

This is a reverse.
there is no way anyone with an ounce of care for someone would behave as Op suggests they have.
If it isn’t then it’s one of the most unpleasant threads I’ve read on here in 20 years.
my dh was diagnosed with cancer last year and I was devastated but obviously it wasn’t about me And my only concern was him and our dd.
Bless him , his only concern was for us
thankfully he has the all clear but never ever would any of us have behaved as op describes.

Thirded.

I'm appalled.

I really hope that you're going to keep this to yourself. Because if you tell anyone else in the family you'll be absolutely pond scum. And it will be the end of your closeness with him, if your snooping hasn't already done the job.

I’m actually terrified now that my ex has somehow found out about my surgery. And I’ve not told anyone except my DP. I haven’t told the kids the details - they know I’m having surgery that’s all - until there’s something to tell them I won’t be.

Jesus Christ how could anyone do this? It’s evil.

I wouldn't tell mine either because he's not involved with the kids, and if anything happened to me my friend will be legal guardian.

But if it were a situation like the OP described where there is a very close co-parenting relationship then that is different and I would tell him and likewise expect him to tell me.

I know he doesn’t believe it but he still means the world to me and I’m gutted he doesn’t want me to go through this with him.

Wow. Such narcissism.

I remember your other threads OP and put simply this man doesn't trust you with this health information. It seems his instincts are correct that you're not a trustworthy person. Give him grace to deal with his health as he wishes in his own time and way.