To be angry at ex hiding cancer diagnosis?

[PlainJaneBrain]

After 25+ years together we’ve been separated for 2 and half years now but remained very close and dependent on each other not least as co-parents, but aside from living in different house and flat from each other, we probably usually spend more time in each others’ company than we did when we were together.

We saw less of each other over summer than we normally do and I thought that was just down to our holidays and the kids not aligning particularly well. But I found out on Friday that he was diagnosed with stage 3 prostate cancer at the end of July and has had several rounds of radiotherapy. He didn’t tell anyone except someone he works with so he could take time off (he’s actually self employed and told this other person so they could cover his work when needed). But he didn’t tell me, his own Mum, siblings or anyone else. I found out almost by accident (snooping in his post while at his flat). I ended up confronting him and he was just so bloody casual about it it’s really upset me and made me angry.

I wouldn’t mind but when we were together he was the world’s worst hypochondriac and now he’s like “it’s no one’s business and who cares anyway”. He’s lost quite a bit of weight and obviously lied to me about that saying he was dieting.

I know he doesn’t believe it but he still means the world to me and I’m gutted he doesn’t want me to go through this with him.

AIBU to think 1. He should have told me, and 2. He should keep me updated? We have two early teen kids.

Me too. I'm calling reverse.

The fuck it is.

Shes an ex. It’s fuck all to do with her.

@PlainJaneBrain I found out almost by accident (snooping in his post while at his flat).

I believe this is illegal.

Can anyone confim whether it's illegal to go through someone else's mail?

You are seriously out of order. Snooping through your ex’s post is just bang out of order, and isn’t it illegal? And then now you’ve done it all you think about is you, not your kids or him, just you! Wind your neck in and reflect on what actually matters here.

Didn't seem to mention that in op, just her snooping and how it would affect her.

He’s trying to keep you/kids/his mum shielded from the worry, No?
I’d probably do similar, lots of people don’t want to be dealing with others upset when they’ve got the unpleasantness of treatment to face. Especially if there is not much they can do to help.

Hope so, no one can really be this callous!

Wow you’re being so unreasonable. What a cow. I’m glad he LTB

I’m having cancer surgery in just over a week.

The fuck I’m telling my ex husband.

It's really not your place to feel angry or betrayed that he didn't tell you.

Some people feel the need to deal with these things alone and that should be respected.

He needs your support right now. Not feelings of disapproval over when/how you found out his diagnosis.

What wer you hoping to find when you snooped through his post? He clearly doesn’t mean the world to you.

It does say that they're co-parents. But she still has no right to know anything he doesn't want to tell her, IMO.

So you now know. But please, leave him deal with it how he wishes. It is not your place or anyone else's to speculate on how someone should deal with cancer. He doesn't need guilt tripping.

You're reaction is pretty awful, his reaction sounds as though he is also v low in mood. He's probably struggling with the diagnosis and how he's going to tell everyone and your reaction being all about you is probably part of the reason he didn't tell you. This poor man and his children x

It's his business. My exH doesn't know about my cancer.

Sorry, I think you’re being unreasonable. When someone is seriously ill, it’s up to them to deal with it as they see fit. No-one is entitled to know about it.

I would probably tell DH and my employer, confidentially. I wouldn’t tell my parents, DD, my friends, or anyone else, unless it became absolutely necessary to do so.

No it isn’t.

You were completely out of line. It’s a curable form of cancer, the treatment is really unpleasant, and he’s chosen to deal with it his way

Wow. Just wow.

Oh goodness. Awful for him and entirely his business if he wanted to keep it quiet. You’ve been really unreasonable going through his mail and also expecting to be updated on his life.

Have I read the same post as everyone else? I can't fathom why OP is getting so much shit about this. Snooping through his post is completely out of order but apart from that I don't see why everyone is getting so worked up.

They were married 25 years, have two kids and still spend a fair bit of time together. It affects her as it will affect the kids and I think he has a responsibility to share the information with her.

Yes it does. She mentions that they are co-parents in the second line and the last line says they have 2 early teens.

No, sorry OP you have invaded his privacy by snooping. It's up to him how he deals with his cancer diagnosis and treatment. It is a massive thing to go through - he didn't want you or anyone else to know, he has a right to this privacy. Just let him deal with it how he wants to.

Yes if opened but if the post had already been opened and just put back in the envelope, it’s morally wrong (not sure of any legalities).

Oh why would you confront him?
My brother had cancer, diagnosed quite late I think. I say that because he didn’t tell us, his sisters. My older sister bumped into him by accident and it was pretty clear there was something wrong. She asked him could she tell us and after that we were there for him but also kept our distance.
He died 5 years later, but even then we only knew he was dying weeks before. He hadn’t wanted to worry us. Our parents were long gone. At his funeral Joyce Grenfells ‘If I should go’ was read out. That poem summed up my brother perfectly. He didn’t want fuss & bother or to hear us concerned or change the way we were with him. I honestly think that if my sister hadn’t bumped into him that day that he would’nt have told us atall.
Dont be angry with him OP this is not about you. Imagine how frightened he must be.