To be angry at ex hiding cancer diagnosis?

[PlainJaneBrain]

After 25+ years together we’ve been separated for 2 and half years now but remained very close and dependent on each other not least as co-parents, but aside from living in different house and flat from each other, we probably usually spend more time in each others’ company than we did when we were together.

We saw less of each other over summer than we normally do and I thought that was just down to our holidays and the kids not aligning particularly well. But I found out on Friday that he was diagnosed with stage 3 prostate cancer at the end of July and has had several rounds of radiotherapy. He didn’t tell anyone except someone he works with so he could take time off (he’s actually self employed and told this other person so they could cover his work when needed). But he didn’t tell me, his own Mum, siblings or anyone else. I found out almost by accident (snooping in his post while at his flat). I ended up confronting him and he was just so bloody casual about it it’s really upset me and made me angry.

I wouldn’t mind but when we were together he was the world’s worst hypochondriac and now he’s like “it’s no one’s business and who cares anyway”. He’s lost quite a bit of weight and obviously lied to me about that saying he was dieting.

I know he doesn’t believe it but he still means the world to me and I’m gutted he doesn’t want me to go through this with him.

AIBU to think 1. He should have told me, and 2. He should keep me updated? We have two early teen kids.

You’ve invaded his privacy and are making it all about you. It’s the very essence of unreasonableness.

Snooping through his mail would be unacceptable even if you were still together let alone divorced !

Ahhh you’re the cheater that was jealous he wanted to start a relationship with a colleague after you’d been separated for two years.

Leave the poor man alone.

His cancer is not about you.

Ugh. That’s revolting behaviour. Wind your neck in OP.

I found out almost by accident (snooping in his post while at his flat).

That was no “almost“

How dare you look at his post and then confront him about his diagnosis?

It's not about you ffs.

You’ve been massively out of order. Kids or not it’s none of your business

Fucking hell! You're angry at him? How dare you!

This has to be a reverse. There's no way anyone has as little self-awareness as this.

Yabu, went through cancer last year, told basically no one, wanted to process it and deal with it on my own without drama or lots of questions, if that’s what he is most comfortable with that’s his choice. Yabu massively U for snooping through his post and making it about you and wanting to go through it with him.

The poor man was just diagnosed with cancer a month ago, give him some grace. I was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer last September. It’s incredibly difficult to blurt it out. I was basically in hospital for another appointment and the cancer nurses tracked me down and ushered me into a room to break the news and then send me off for blood tests. I messaged Dh to tell him immediately, and I told my dc a few days later.

But besides them, I’ve never directly told anyone except a few people randomly along the way. It’s a really awkward conversation to have and you feel like you are ruining everyone’s day with your depressing news. After about a month or so, when I knew definitely what the prognosis was and when my surgery would happen (which would leave me feeling pretty f ed up looking!), I just put a blast out on social media and that was it, job done. Dh has told everyone else in the family for me.

If not for social media though, honestly I probably wouldn’t have told lots of people. It’s hard and it takes a few months to get your head around the shock and be able to verbalise it.

I call reverse!

The end of July isn't that long ago really. He probably got taken back and needed time to take it in (like you do!). He could have wanted to talk to the doctors first (appointments aren't usually immediate) and also to mull over how to organise things going forward. Men can often feel like they have to be the strong/protective ones.

Id go easy on him if I were you, he's going through a difficult time right now, and you are too. Family time together just doing simple things, or having a meal out together could help ye get through it

This is not about you, OP. You aren’t entitled to his private medical information.

And if he’s your ex husband, then you’re divorced, not separated.

All of this. What the hell are you thinking?

If anyone was going through my post, they would never be told anything about me ever again. I'd be fucking livid. You have no right.

You’re not married. He’s an ex. He has no responsibility to you so frankly not your business who he tells or how he deals with it. His to deal with how he sees fit

Wow it takes a special type of person to find out someone’s got cancer and somehow tries to turn it around to make it about themselves.

No wonder he didn’t tell you and no wonder you’re not in a relationship anymore.

You’re no longer his partner. It is his health and his choice.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

He will talk to you when he feels ready to. He has his own feelings going on and chances are that he needs time to get his head round it right now. Sorry to hear the news ♥️

Angry???

nor any accident!

Your behaviour is appalling. Leave him alone and stop snooping.

They share children. Of course it's her business.