To be angry at ex hiding cancer diagnosis?

[PlainJaneBrain]

After 25+ years together we’ve been separated for 2 and half years now but remained very close and dependent on each other not least as co-parents, but aside from living in different house and flat from each other, we probably usually spend more time in each others’ company than we did when we were together.

We saw less of each other over summer than we normally do and I thought that was just down to our holidays and the kids not aligning particularly well. But I found out on Friday that he was diagnosed with stage 3 prostate cancer at the end of July and has had several rounds of radiotherapy. He didn’t tell anyone except someone he works with so he could take time off (he’s actually self employed and told this other person so they could cover his work when needed). But he didn’t tell me, his own Mum, siblings or anyone else. I found out almost by accident (snooping in his post while at his flat). I ended up confronting him and he was just so bloody casual about it it’s really upset me and made me angry.

I wouldn’t mind but when we were together he was the world’s worst hypochondriac and now he’s like “it’s no one’s business and who cares anyway”. He’s lost quite a bit of weight and obviously lied to me about that saying he was dieting.

I know he doesn’t believe it but he still means the world to me and I’m gutted he doesn’t want me to go through this with him.

AIBU to think 1. He should have told me, and 2. He should keep me updated? We have two early teen kids.

When i had cancer funny enough I hardly told any family. I told my husband, some friends at school (my daughter was only 8 at the time). I didn't tell my sister until literally the last week of treatment, I didn't tell my nan or aunties etc. I really didn't want to be the centre of attention, I didn't want people worrying especially my nan. Some found out afterwards and I k own they were cross but I genuinely didn't say so they didn't worry.

This. You sound genuinely fucking awful, OP. How, just HOW have you managed to make this all about you???

I found out almost by accident (snooping in his post while at his flat).

This is shameful as well.

Can anyone confim whether it's illegal to go through someone else's mail?

It's not illegal to read post that is already opened and left in view of someone in the house. Although it is bad manners.

It's illegal to open post which is sent to your address in error and meant for someone else. ie previous occupants. Although I've never ever heard of anyone being prosecuted for it in a domestic situation.

Reading your other threads OP it's clear that you are still highly emotionally invested in your ex (you weren't married.) You've not got over the split and you're behaving as if you still have some hold over him.

Have you had counselling?

Putting his diagnosis to one side, maybe you need to talk to a professional because the 'split' is really messy and not a clean break at all.

If you both are sure that you are separated for good, you both need clearer boundaries around what you do together and what is off -limits.

This messy split, but not a complete split, is causing you a huge amount of emotional pain and it won't get better unless you step back and stop being so emotionally involved in his life.

He's clearly trying to move on with his life but you're not allowing that.
I know it's really sad that you've split up but you need to go through the process of acceptance and what that means.

And your other threads about your poor ex partner are…. 🤯 nuts.

*corrected, you weren’t married.

It’s his cancer not yours it’s up to him how he copes with it all and you had no right to be snooping through his post. I can understand why he didn’t tell you because you’ve somehow managed to make it all about you and how this affects you.

@PlainJaneBrain You've had a real pasting here and it might be worth thinking about coming back and explaining.

You have posted before about your relationship, in detail.

Even though you've been living apart for 2 years you each have access to a flat you both bought when you split. This is where you saw the letter.

You've had sex a few times together since you split.
You've had a spa day together a few months back, which he arranged.
Hardly the behaviour of man who wants to be 'out' of the relationship, is it?

The overall impression is that you are a couple but living apart. And that's why you're upset over his health.

He doesn't sound great, to be honest. The issues there were in your relationship could possibly have been helped through counselling but he chose to walk away, yet keep you almost on the back burner. He doesn't want to be 'in' the relationship completely, but neither does he want to be fully 'out'.

Obviously his cancer is a separate issue, but he's not treating you well by behaving at times as if you're still together. Comes over as if he's using you as and when he feels like it.

Only making this point as it completely changes the perspective on this thread.

Why don't you both consider couples counselling as it comes over as if this split isn't what you both really want?

I would have told you to leave and not bother contacting me again unless it was related to the children. Your snooping would be the end of the relationship

Read my post above.

They still see each other, share a flat, have spa days.

It's not as it seems from her post.

She still doesn't have the right to snoop. And she shouldn't be surprised at getting a pasting when she misses out a lot of relevant information!

They are his kids too, and he can choose what to share with them or not.

You are being so astonishingly unreasonable here that I'm struggling to believe you're for real.

Can you seriously not see how awful it is to a) snoop through someone's post and b) to think that your feelings are more important than his when he's the one who has cancer?

TBH I think her finding that letter is the least of their problems!

He sounds very mixed up. They are separated but still have occasional sex, they have spa days he arranges, they have lovely family holidays, he left her but does 'nice things' for her like spa days.

In some people's minds he's a 'head fuck'!

The whole thing is a mess and one or both of them need to sort it out.

OP you can't move on and have a healthy relationship with this man while he is behaving like this. You're still hugely emotionally invested with him and if he won't create solid boundaries, you must.

I'm sorry you are living like this.

From what you've said they both sound awful! Him for messing her around, her for snooping and thinking he should handle a cancer diagnosis how she wants him to. They sounds as though they'd be better off without each other.

Yes, far too many

You missed out the tiny detail that the reason the relationship ended is that OP cheated.

YABVVVU. You are no longer his significant other and he is not obliged to tell you anything. Until he has a situation that will affect your shared children, it is completely down to him how he manages his health.

What gives you the right to go through his post? Your intrusion into his privacy is unforgiveable. You need to get your head around the fact that it is none of your business.

Incidentally, I was diagnosed with cancer four years ago and I didn't share it with my ex either. He still doesn't know because it is not his concern. I have full time care of our child but my illness did not affect my ability to provide care, so it wasn't relevant.

It's all about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ...

Pretty much like all op previous threads

If she's not significant, he should stop treating them to spa days and having sex with her.

They have family holidays with their kids.

He's being very unfair. No boundaries and mixed messages.

sounds like you are unhappy about the fact you cant control him anymore.

Where is there any evidence she used to?

There is never an excuse for prying into someone else's post.

But that’s not a reason for her to read his post, is it?