To be angry at ex hiding cancer diagnosis?

[PlainJaneBrain]

After 25+ years together we’ve been separated for 2 and half years now but remained very close and dependent on each other not least as co-parents, but aside from living in different house and flat from each other, we probably usually spend more time in each others’ company than we did when we were together.

We saw less of each other over summer than we normally do and I thought that was just down to our holidays and the kids not aligning particularly well. But I found out on Friday that he was diagnosed with stage 3 prostate cancer at the end of July and has had several rounds of radiotherapy. He didn’t tell anyone except someone he works with so he could take time off (he’s actually self employed and told this other person so they could cover his work when needed). But he didn’t tell me, his own Mum, siblings or anyone else. I found out almost by accident (snooping in his post while at his flat). I ended up confronting him and he was just so bloody casual about it it’s really upset me and made me angry.

I wouldn’t mind but when we were together he was the world’s worst hypochondriac and now he’s like “it’s no one’s business and who cares anyway”. He’s lost quite a bit of weight and obviously lied to me about that saying he was dieting.

I know he doesn’t believe it but he still means the world to me and I’m gutted he doesn’t want me to go through this with him.

AIBU to think 1. He should have told me, and 2. He should keep me updated? We have two early teen kids.

Well we can all see why you are an ex!

Well if she cheated on him she doesn’t sound like the poor woman you want us to believe

No! It’s his PRIVATE MEDICAL info and NO ONE has the right to that unless and until the person themselves chooses to divulge.

No it’s not. Two of my friends have had breast cancer and have not told their exes, even though they share teens/young adult children.
Luckily they’ve both come through treatment well, and it’s still their private info. As it absolutely is their right to do so.

One friend had to reluctantly let her ex know when she was diagnosed with a condition that meant she could no longer drive, so they had to make different arrangements for child swop over times. She said she absolutely would not have told him unless it was unavoidable. He was still a selfish PITA over the new situation as well.

Ah. This makes sense.

Mic drop by Mooncup!

You owe him a huge apology. You invaded his privacy and have made it all about you. He was dealing with it the best way it worked for him and you have taken that away from him. You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself.

It depends where the letter was. If it was dumped on a desk or worktop in the kitchen, where he'd not put it away, and she could see the letter heading, it would be understandable especially as they are sharing the care of children.

If she went through a desk or a file that was in a desk etc, that would be different.

However, their whole relationship sounds toxic.

He has decided to leave after something he's known about for 18 years, has not had counselling for or tried to move on from and stay together, yet still behaves as if they are married; sex, spa days, holidays together etc.

I think it's highly debatable if you reveal or not a diagnosis of Stage 3 cancer when you share the care of children not yet adults. For example, we know several men in their 50s and 60s currently having treatment for prostate cancer. It's tiring and the hormone treatments are for years, so their energy is less. This impacts everyone in their lives and certainly his children who are teen should know about it as they will sense their dad is different.