For not paying half when I'm leaving.

[Cuppatealover]

Very emotional and awful time right now. I'll try to keep it as short as possible.
Been through a hell of a year. Decided to move in with partner in January. A week after signing for the rented house we found out I was pregnant. All good.
Moved in end of March and partner had paid to get whole house blinds fitted, new floors through the house and appliances for kitchen. We agreed I would pay him back my half for these.
Fast forward and relationship has just gradually got worse and broken down. I had a termination of pregnancy in May due to various reasons which I know he resents me for as he wanted the baby.
Had a row the other week as I told him I do not want to be in this relationship anymore and how do we go about the split re house and associated costs. He still expects half for the blinds, flooring and appliances (I haven't paid anything yet) but intends to stay in the house and won't move. Has said if I'm unhappy then I should move. Which I agree with. But I've said I'm not paying half for things he is keeping of he is staying in the house. I can't take half a fridge freezer or blinds!
I have now found a house and told him after looking for months. Got two cats so it's incredibly difficult to find a rental. Now I've told him it's erupted into a huge row about how I'm trying to worm my way out of paying him back and putting him in financial hardship because he wouldn't have paid for those things if he knew I wasn't going to pay half.

I wouldn't pay, OP. And well done for having the strength to take such difficult decisions.

Don’t pay him, ignore him, move out and block him

Sounds like he reneged on the agreement by becoming abusive, and messed up her life even more by putting her in a situation where she felt her only option was to abort the baby she wanted. There's no such thing as a 'late' trimester. There's first, second, third, and something called the fourth trimester which is when babies are newborn. Abortions are allowed in the first and second trimester for any reason and in the third for serious medical reasons. OP had hers in the second which is perfectly legal.

Op hasn't fleeced him the items belong to him. Why she should she pay him. You are right it's her word against his?

I wasn’t referring to OP, just saying that if there wasn’t any written agreement, then there is nothing he can do about it so his threats are invalid.

The post I actually quoted from you advocated both the OP breaking the agreement she initially agreed to, and is now trying to welch out of, and perjuring herself by lying about that agreement & what was in fact agreed, to a court of law.

I am certainly not illiterate, nor do I have the patience to go up threads to read all your other bs advice. However when you advise OP that:

"You could bluff and say he offered to pay in full. ..."

What you're actually saying is: that the OP could lie and say he offered to pay in full. That is perjury, when you knowingly lie to a court of law. And it's illegal, immoral and just plain lousy imho.

I hope you are literate enough to understand my position on your advice, now that I've had to explain it to you a second time, lie by lie.

Sorry I misunderstood. The poster you was replying to sounds awful. I read an earlier post of hers I hope she doesn't have any daughter's. She would give them terrible advice. She may be a he who knows but they sound clueless.

Definitely DO NOT PAY HIM. Unless he can give you something to equal the value of the goods you are paying for. He can simply accept that as he and only he will be getting the benefit of the goods he will pay for them.

As I said, the only mistake you made was telling this bullying wanker that you wouldn't be paying, you should just have left and blocked him.

You made this agreement under completely different conditions, the agreement is no longer valid.

my point still stands- if OPs future is precious so is his. He was building a life for a family.

So, the OP pays for one half of the renovations, at which point she owns one half of the renovations and can claim one half of the appliances, one half of the flooring and one half of the blinds.

ITA with you, she should pay and then take the refrig and stove, one half of the flooring and one half of the drapes. That's the fair way, eh? I mean, after all, you pay half, you own half, which becomes yours to do as you wish.

Or, do you actually think the OP should pay half and then let the man have everything free and clear? Because, that's exactly what it sounds like you are saying. She benefitted from the renovations for not even one tenth of the time they will be used. Six months is one twentieth of the relative lifespan of the items. Not hal, not a quarter.

As for her leaving. He is an abusive twat-waffle. The fact that any decent person would castigate her or blame her for leaving makes me realize this is why society has gotten so ugly.

Which then he ruined by acting as he did and making the OP realize that a child with him would lead to a lifetime of pain and ugliness. She was smart to realize it before it was too late.

As I have said above, if she were to pay for one half of the renovations, she would own one half of the renovations and could tear up one half of the floor, take down one half of the blinds and remove one half of the appliances.

@Cuppatealover If you decide to pay half (you've used about 1/20th of the item value, if that), make sure to take half of everything. The refrig and stove (Probably one half of the appliances), one half of the carpet and floors (make door mats) and one half of the blinds. They would be yours, free and clear and at your disposal. Just get him to sign a receipt saying you paid half, first.

Sadly, I think a few posters here think she should pay for half and then let him "have it all", because she is leaving. Maybe she should wait until he hurts her? Sexually assaults her? Should she stay in the relationship no matter what? The posters sound like the very worst type of misogynist, because, it's ALL about the "poor man" and not the fact that he has acted like a cruel twat-waffle to the point that OP has to come up with money to move away.

Would your ex agree to you paying your half, as agreed?
Then you would both own the improvements and white goods.

You could then take half of what you own - so half the white goods and blinds because the flooring would be hard to take.
You and ex decide which blinds and white goods you remove.

But this isn’t one of them.

And half of the appliances, or all of them, to cover the flooring she must leave behind. It needs to be fair, after all. Maybe she could "sell" her half back to him at a nice little "markup"?

*Yes, I am that petty when some dud, who has made another's life miserable with their demeaning insults and nastiness, deserves a comeuppance. I'd show up with a box cutter, tile pry bar and a trailer, willing and ready to take my half of everything.

Talk about being a sucker for punishment

From the outset and throughout the thread you have never ever not even for a second wavered from thinning you are 100% reasonable.

Why start an AIBU and spend your Sunday arguing with strangers about it

You should pay half and take half of everything you can, appliances, even blinds - you can either use or sell them. Please don’t shell out any money on fixtures and fittings in a rental again - the maximum you should do is paint any awful walls, though the landlord needs to agree and will likely cover the cost of the paint.

@AngelicKatyread the thread there was no deposit paid

You should pay half, but you are also entitled to almost half the realisable assets (e.g. removals items such as fridges or blinds).

Since you've enjoyed the use of those assets jointly for 6/9 months then there should.be an accounting for that based on, say, a 3 year lifespan.

Don't wheedle out of commitments made in good faith when you thought you loved each other. That's a really dick move and says bad things about one's honesty and character.

I have just RTFT and wow Kudos to @nomas @AnnoyedAsAllHeck @Falseknock and some others who have been correcting some utter stupidity and cruelty on this thread.

Why should Op pay half when he is refusing to give her the white goods AND he is refusing to move to? If he thinks it such a bad deal to stay in the house and foot the bill off all the furnishings why doesn’t he take her up on her offer and move out instead?

For those banging on about the agreement, OP clearly agreed on the understanding that they’d be living together for several years. Obviously after a few months she realised otherwise, hence she didn’t pay anything and is now moving out.

It appears this man is emotionally abusive to OP and just like many men - instead of figuring out where he went wrong that OP no longer felt safe to have a baby with him, he is now escalating his poor behaviour and acting like he’s the victim despite his contribution to her decision.

It’s all very well for men to insist women carry their babies but where is their responsibility? He hadn’t married her (thankfully for OP) he hasn’t proven himself a worthy partner in Ops eyes and he’s clearly capable of being verbally abusive.

We all know the stats, women are left carrying the baby in more ways than one in the vast majority of situations where relationships break down. Or even if they remain in the relationships, they are still the ones doing the bulk of childcare etc

I lean more pro-life in my own choices, but OPs body and life was going to be the one impacted the most. So excuse me if I don’t have much sympathy for a man who appeared to do the classic thing of treating his partner worse once she moved in/got pregnant and then suffered consequences.

No small claims court would award him half considering he is insisting he benefits solely from everything. I’d be surprised if they awarded him anything at all if he doesn’t move out.

As an FYI to those confused about the fact this situation even arose, I am in a rent to buy HA flat too and yes it’s normal to pay no deposit and in exchange for that and the lower rent you’ll be paying, to be expected to furnish it.

I had no flooring in both bedrooms and no washing machine or blinds/curtains. I did have flooring in other rooms and a fridge/feeezer and oven.

Each HA is different but my point is to say there’s nothing unusual about this situation for a rent to buy.

@CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone

OP has clearly stated he isn’t giving her anything so what now?

I struggle with posts like this. There’s no point saying she is entitled to X so should pay X when this verbally abusive man has stated he won’t hand X over. She will walk away with nothing.

Should she pay him money then spend months wrangling with him over white goods?

And btw he has also rejected her offer at a lower amount to reflect she has had use of the stuff for 8 months. Have you read her posts?

The commitment was made on the understanding he would be a decent partner and they would live harmoniously together for a number of years. There has been a massive change in circumstances since then.

I live in a rent to buy, it’s my third year there and if someone had lived with me then moved out after 8 months with nothing,no way would I expect money for everything I know I was going to get to enjoy for years!

Was the relationship abusive (I can’t see anything about the actual relationship). I know he called you nasty names because you had an abortion but was that his usual manner towards you or an isolated reaction to the abortion? What was the relationship like on a day to day basis, what turned it from happily moving in together to I have to get out of here? I think a bit of context on the actual relationship would help.

We don’t know what he did.

Still loling at the outraged nasty small menz... 😂

Please don't feel obliged to pay him anything. You have been more than reasonable in offering to stay and let him leave. That is all you needed to do to show you are being fair.

It sounds like you have had a tough time and are going to struggle financially for a while paying back all the debt. Look after yourself first and ignore all the ignorant comments.