For not paying half when I'm leaving.

[Cuppatealover]

Very emotional and awful time right now. I'll try to keep it as short as possible.
Been through a hell of a year. Decided to move in with partner in January. A week after signing for the rented house we found out I was pregnant. All good.
Moved in end of March and partner had paid to get whole house blinds fitted, new floors through the house and appliances for kitchen. We agreed I would pay him back my half for these.
Fast forward and relationship has just gradually got worse and broken down. I had a termination of pregnancy in May due to various reasons which I know he resents me for as he wanted the baby.
Had a row the other week as I told him I do not want to be in this relationship anymore and how do we go about the split re house and associated costs. He still expects half for the blinds, flooring and appliances (I haven't paid anything yet) but intends to stay in the house and won't move. Has said if I'm unhappy then I should move. Which I agree with. But I've said I'm not paying half for things he is keeping of he is staying in the house. I can't take half a fridge freezer or blinds!
I have now found a house and told him after looking for months. Got two cats so it's incredibly difficult to find a rental. Now I've told him it's erupted into a huge row about how I'm trying to worm my way out of paying him back and putting him in financial hardship because he wouldn't have paid for those things if he knew I wasn't going to pay half.

You're not a failure OP but I do think you owe him something towards these purchases. You agreed to pay half but have paid nothing. I can see his perspective that he bought the items based on it being a shared cost.

So are you saying if things are legally allowed that’s all perfectly fine & dandy ?

That's the last humiliation that he got that put of her. I wouldn't give him any satisfaction.

That's all you can do is follow the law. The op hasn't done anything wrong she made a decision that was good for her.

I am willing to bet that this is a situation that comes up again and again in your life. You cannot see what others mean at all, can you? You literally cannot comprehend that your view might be wrong and unreasonable to other people.

You can't understand that others do not agree with you because you can only be right. Everyone else is wrong and if they confront you it must be for malicious reasons...

Maybe google 'theory of mind'.

I don't know about anyone else but the abortion context was relevant for me in considering the ethics of the OP's refusing to pay 50% of the original amount if her ex stays in the house. The way the ex has been treating her since the abortion demonstrates that he is at least verbally and likely more broadly emotionally abusive. While anyone has the right to end any romantic relationship for any reason, SHE didn't have a choice. Now, by insisting that HE remain in the house AND continuing the abusive behaviour, he is insuring that she cannot stay and therefore only he, and not she, can continue to benefit from the earlier investment into the house. He is actively depriving her of continued benefit of the investment.

That's why I don't understand posters defending him. If he'd said his baby killer spiel once in rage or grief it would be unpleasant, but he is shouting these things at OP every day when he knows she is already in a fragile mental state over the whole situation. He can be anti-abortion and/or critical about her specific decision without verbally abusing her. People might not want to hear it but the desire to avoid procreating with an abuser is not unusual or blameworthy.

As for what other countries do and don't allow - Azerbaijan has a general time limit of 12 weeks and a list of circumstances that extend it to 22 weeks (their viability benchmark). One of the special circumstances is that the parents' relationship has ended during the pregnancy. Almost certainly irrelevant to the OP, but an illustration that different people and cultures consider and weigh different aspects of the situation differently in balancing rights and harms, and any subjective judgements about the OP's choice are just that, subjective. And irrelevant.

I’m saying that the law in the UK allows for abortion at this point. Please stop referring to yourself as pro choice, you are not.

Yes that’s correct, are you above the law then?

I don’t need to google that. I already know what it is. Pps on here can’t fathom there is a slightly different view to their steadfast “it’s Legal”
My view isn’t so different, I am pro choice . I just questioned why adoption can’t be an option instead of a 19 week abortion.
and people have gone nuts about it.
OP said “I wanted my baby , I’d never give it up for adoption” like afoption is a fate worse than death or something.

What does he mean, 'he wouldn't have bought them if you hadn't have said you'd put money towards them'? He'd just live with no floors, blinds, etc? Of course he would have sorted it. Unless you got top of the line stuff at your request, or something? Either way, you aren't benefitting from any of it now and he is.

The fact is, you agreed to pay half on the understanding you had joint ownership of everything. Now you do not have ownership of anything, that agreement falls away.

He would be dumb to spend any money on trying to put this through a small claims, because he won't win.

The ops choices are her own. I don’t think I could give a baby up for adoption nor would I want to have a child with a man who’d proven himself to be abusive, tethering myself for the next 18 years. It takes real strength to make such a difficult decision.

OP, you are being incredibly unreasonable and all the other posters in support of you not paying are incredibly unreasonable too.

Just like this quote post says, had this been the other way round, other posters would be out with pitchforks and sledgehammers ready to virtually stone this guy for not upholding his part of the deal. What if this was a friendship that had broken down? You’re unhappy and you should leave but it is likely true that he would not have spent so much money doing the place up if he knew you wouldn’t be contributing to any of it in the end. Doing all that work on a rental wasn’t sensible but is besides the point really. You need to pay up before you leave despite how dreadful things worked out sorry.

Why is she being unreasonable the items will belong to him. Why should she pay? You want her to humiliate herself. On top of that he will be buying the housing association property. I don't get your point. She's clearly with a narcissist if he wants paying for the items that he will be keeping.

Try reading the ops posts instead then you will get a clearer picture.

No-one's reported "all" your posts for deletion. I've reported four of them because they were nasty personal attacks on OP - MN agreed and deleted them. Just as they agreed about the three equally vile posts by BringBackThe1990s and deleted those too. Abide by MN Talk Guidelines and your posts won't get deleted. It's that simple.

“All you can do is follow the law” .
The law is an ass.

I haven’t made any nasty personal attacks on OP.
But yes I knew it would he sone other ridiculous PP reporting me

So? What point are you trying to make?

We can agree on that 🤣

Least there is something we can agree on there !

Again, so what?

I’m just agog you have replaced all the floors in a rental. I would go mad if my tenants did that! And I’d want my old blinds putting back up when you left and any damage to the frames/brickwork from your fittings all made good.

I would offer him to move out or to share something with you eg fridge freezer do you pay and get something out. I would do it in writing by email or txt and I would openly put that you did this in writing because your conversations always ended up being too emotional.
However I would probably do it after you moved out. I’m not a great believer in men staying calm, reasonable and polite during quarrels.

Yes, it is and OP acted within UK law.
All women have the right to make choices about their own bodies - these choices are deeply personal and should be respected by others.

Four of them were nasty personal attacks on OP - that's why they were deleted. Own it and stop being disingenuous about your pro-choice stance - it's patently untrue.