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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want a random boy to stay just because DH does?

372 replies

Geniusonit · 06/09/2025 21:18

Sorry for the clunky title didn't know what else to write!

Long story short, been with DH for 7.5 years. He's got a 12yo DD, he has 50/50 custody of her although sometimes more if her mum goes away with her partner like atm. She has an older brother he's 19, DH isn't his dad, was sort of a stepdad figure when he was with his ex but since they split they didn't have contact and his ex made it clear he wasn't his dad so she wasn't going to allow it.

Anyway, yesterday her mum and younger siblings (toddlers so under school age before anyone asks) and mums partner went away leaving DSD with us and her brother on his own. DSD went back today because she'd forgotten something and then called DH in a panic.

He went round there and her brother was on the sofa sort of out of it and he'd clearly been beaten up, he had injuries on his face etc. DH managed to sort him out and he brought him back here with DSD, apparently DSD was anxious about him being on his own.

When I got back from being out with my sister he had gone back to sleep on our sofa. Hearing from DSD their mum had kicked him out so he obviously snook back when he knew they'd be away. The brother said he didn't know who beat him up but didn't want to report it, said he’d sort it which does sound as though he knows who it is. DH thinks he should stay as he doesn't want him getting into any trouble or hurt again, he doesn't think he's got a concussion but another injury to the face/head so soon obviously wouldn't be good.

I personally don't feel comfortable with a random boy here but he says he's his daughters brother. Am I being U or is DH being soft (for context, he is a head of year in a school and is quite soft on troubled teens especially as he thinks they need kindness not just discipline)

OP posts:
Holdonforsummer · 06/09/2025 21:21

I think your DH needs to ring his ex and get her home to sort out her older son. You can be sympathetic and helpful but I think inviting him to stay is a step too far..

socks1107 · 06/09/2025 21:21

I’d be torn, he obviously needs so help and support but I’d feel uncomfortable about what he was up too. Do you have room for him? He is still young really

WaitWhatWhatWait · 06/09/2025 21:23

I can't believe you wouldn't help out this young person, who is your DSD's brother, in a time of need.

Goodadvice1980 · 06/09/2025 21:25

I would be wary OP especially as he’s being cagey over involving the police and not saying who assaulted him.

Redrosesposies · 06/09/2025 21:26

I can understand your concern but think I would let him stay if he wants to, but your DH needs to find out what's going on if his ex had kicked him out

Rightandwrong · 06/09/2025 21:28

I agree with pp who suggested contacting the boy's mother. I take it his father is not in his life at all?
I must say your H sounds like a really kind man. And this young man isn't just a random person to him: he is somebody he used to be a father figure to.
I don't see how you can not help the young guy in the short term.

Tootietoots · 06/09/2025 21:29

is he in touch with his own father? Any chance of him helping?

Growlybear83 · 06/09/2025 21:32

I think you’re being extremely unreasonable and unkind.

Woompund · 06/09/2025 21:32

He's not a random boy though is he?

Burntt · 06/09/2025 21:34

Contact the mother.

I personally would let him stay on condition you contact the police. It’s your step child’s sibling. I have a teen ex step child who I would help as it’s my child sibling and I was a step parent long enough to care. You have to balance protecting your own family from danger and helping a child who was once and still has remnants of familial connection to you oh

WaryLemonFawn · 06/09/2025 21:37

I think you are unreasonable and very unkind to refer to this young man as 'random' .He is your step daughter's half brother and your DH had a family type relationship with him when he was with the ex. They do know him extremely well. I would let him stay. You say your husband works with young people so I think you should trust his judgement.

MJMaude · 06/09/2025 21:39

Seems like you've willingly entered into a blended family situation which has turned your DH's stepson (through no choice of his own) into a "random boy". How cruel.

HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 06/09/2025 21:39

I think you are being a bit unkind. If nothing else, your step daughter must be very upset by it.

I wouldn't be inviting him to live with you but a bit of compassion for at least tonight is probably the right move.

It would be different if there is any hint of illegal behaviour or drugs coming into the house.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/09/2025 21:40

Why did his mum kick him out?

Do the people who beat him up know where you live as he’s there now?

PollyannaGladGame · 06/09/2025 21:47

He isn’t a random boy, he’s your step-daughter’s brother and your DH must have known him since he was a toddler.

I know it all sounds but concerning but I have a 19 year old and he’s a big kid really, look after him.

Geniusonit · 06/09/2025 21:47

He is random to me though, I've never met him! DH hasn't had contact with him for year's so he knows nothing about him now either. Last time they had proper contact he was a child.

We do have a spare room yes, but I feel uncomfortable at the thought of that as I don't know him at all, he's violent (saying he'd sort it out himself) and I know nothing about him.

DH’s ex is abroad so she wouldn't do anything. I don't know why he was kicked out, DSD said that her mum and partner would argue over him a lot but she doesn't know the proper reason, they spun her a lie that he chose to move out but DSD knew that wasn't the case, her brother told her it didn't matter. DH hasn't even asked him why either he just said to “leave him be” as he was watching a film with DSD

OP posts:
GreenAndWhiteStripes · 06/09/2025 21:50

Sorry OP but I think you would be unreasonable to turn this young man out.

Someone2025 · 06/09/2025 21:50

WaitWhatWhatWait · 06/09/2025 21:23

I can't believe you wouldn't help out this young person, who is your DSD's brother, in a time of need.

Totally agree….but an alternative long term solution needs to be found

iirbRosb · 06/09/2025 21:52

I’d let him stay; he’s not a random boy. He’s your stepchild’s brother and how will it make her feel if you make him leave. You don’t know that he’s violent, that’s an assumption and I think you’re quite heartless to be honest

WaryLemonFawn · 06/09/2025 21:52

If you make this young man leave then you will seriously damage your relationship with your step daughter and your husband. I still think you are being very unkind. You have not written one word expressing concern for this vulnerable young man.

Someone2025 · 06/09/2025 21:53

Geniusonit · 06/09/2025 21:47

He is random to me though, I've never met him! DH hasn't had contact with him for year's so he knows nothing about him now either. Last time they had proper contact he was a child.

We do have a spare room yes, but I feel uncomfortable at the thought of that as I don't know him at all, he's violent (saying he'd sort it out himself) and I know nothing about him.

DH’s ex is abroad so she wouldn't do anything. I don't know why he was kicked out, DSD said that her mum and partner would argue over him a lot but she doesn't know the proper reason, they spun her a lie that he chose to move out but DSD knew that wasn't the case, her brother told her it didn't matter. DH hasn't even asked him why either he just said to “leave him be” as he was watching a film with DSD

He clearly wants to be taken care of (for a while) as a 19yo boy didn’t need to go where he was gold…..sounds like he thinks he is a big lad but is really a little boy who needs to be looked after

KissMyArt · 06/09/2025 21:55

Just because you've never met him, it doesn't mean your step-daughter's brother is a 'random' as you charmingly put it.

Very dismissive.

AardvarkaKedavra · 06/09/2025 21:57

I wouldn't like it one bit. I make a point of not involving myself with a rough crowd (the type to get beaten up and act cagey about how it happened), and I'd not appreciate having that brought into my life. I think it comes down to whether or not you feel safe with him in the house. If you don't feel that he's dangerous to your family and home, maybe allow it briefly, but with you DH on notice that it's up to him to sort this out immediately (not a long-term solution).

Dundonia · 06/09/2025 21:57

Hm I wouldn’t be delighted either but I’d probably just suck it up, to be honest. Until he gave me a reason not to, anyway.

cestlavielife · 06/09/2025 21:57

Conditions of stay mean he goes to police to report and go for check up with gp and record the injuries.
He is a young man not a boy.
But is known to your dh so not random.

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