To not want a random boy to stay just because DH does?

[Geniusonit]

Sorry for the clunky title didn't know what else to write!

Long story short, been with DH for 7.5 years. He's got a 12yo DD, he has 50/50 custody of her although sometimes more if her mum goes away with her partner like atm. She has an older brother he's 19, DH isn't his dad, was sort of a stepdad figure when he was with his ex but since they split they didn't have contact and his ex made it clear he wasn't his dad so she wasn't going to allow it.

Anyway, yesterday her mum and younger siblings (toddlers so under school age before anyone asks) and mums partner went away leaving DSD with us and her brother on his own. DSD went back today because she'd forgotten something and then called DH in a panic.

He went round there and her brother was on the sofa sort of out of it and he'd clearly been beaten up, he had injuries on his face etc. DH managed to sort him out and he brought him back here with DSD, apparently DSD was anxious about him being on his own.

When I got back from being out with my sister he had gone back to sleep on our sofa. Hearing from DSD their mum had kicked him out so he obviously snook back when he knew they'd be away. The brother said he didn't know who beat him up but didn't want to report it, said he’d sort it which does sound as though he knows who it is. DH thinks he should stay as he doesn't want him getting into any trouble or hurt again, he doesn't think he's got a concussion but another injury to the face/head so soon obviously wouldn't be good.

I personally don't feel comfortable with a random boy here but he says he's his daughters brother. Am I being U or is DH being soft (for context, he is a head of year in a school and is quite soft on troubled teens especially as he thinks they need kindness not just discipline)

DH has children and ex-step children, his ex has young children with a new partner, you have children with a former partner, and you are now pregnant. What a mess. All of these people are connected to you - there’s nothing random about it. But maybe some of the adults in this situation could pay a bit more attention to the existing children’s best interests

"Random' is not the right word. Help the kid, for chuff's sake.

I think this is really tricky op because he's obviously still young in himself but he is an adult.

Personally I wouldn't turn him out in the state he's in, but i equally think you're really flying blind here and your dh needs to get in touch with his ex urgently to find out what's actually happened here. If they don't speak does the 12yo have a phone he can contact her using as a one off? There's obviously a reason (fair or unfair) why she's thrown him out and I think if you're having him in your home around a 12yo then you need to know what the reason for that is for you to be able to safeguard her properly.

Are there any services for young homeless people in your area you could link him in with? You could ring your local social work out of hours team and seek advice.

DH doesn't think he does have a concussion but he's not a medical professional so cant say for sure, though he has had first aid training.

I didn't see him when he was out of it but DH did and said it didn't seem like he was on drugs, he gave him some water and sorted his injuries and after about half hour he seemed to be okay, he was just complaining of a headache. I do think he shouldve made him see someone but he is an adult so he couldn't be forced, I know. He said that he feels ok now though

Me being pregnant is not “a mess”

Agreed we need to know why he was kicked out but DH doesn't have much contact with his ex now DSD is 12, and I'm unsure if she'd answer as she hasnt in the past when DH has called her whilst on holiday regarding DSD

Your husband needs to contact his ex, regardless if she's abroad, and explain the situation. He needs to know why this young man is no longer welcome at home. Your step-daughter doesn't know, and her brother isn't going to tell your husband why. I suspect he's possibly got himself involved with the wrong crowd and/or drugs may be involved. Your husband is a teacher, and therefore is very much aware of safeguarding/county lines etc. You may not know this young man, but he's your step-daughter's brother and your husband knew him as a child. For your step-daughter's sake who will be worried and scared for her brother, helping him temporarily is the right thing to do. If your husband manages to speak to his ex, and it turns out there are significant reasons why he's been asked to leave the family home, that could potentially risk your own safety, and that of your husband and step-daughter, then your husband will have no option but to ask him to return to his Mum's house. Until you have a clear picture, help him the best you can, but explain it's temporary.

He is not a random boy. In fact your DH is in a father position to this boy.
id let him stay. DH might be able to help him.
most young men need love and direction. Very few are bad. Perhaps your DH is the man to help here.
right time right place?

but he does need to phone his ex and find out what she knows and also let her know her son is with him.

Has the brother said anything about where he's been staying since being kicked out, or where he's going back to? Even in conversation with his sister?

I think your DH has approached this kindly and empathetically but what's the plan here? He goes back to his mum's with DSD when mum comes back?

In the meantime, just in case it is drug related, I'd hide any cash or valuables just so he's not tempted if he does a midnight flit.

The enforced lack of a decent father figure may well be part of the reasons that got him into this mess. His mum/the ex sounds like she made some interesting choices.

Let him do what he's good at - use his skills with teenagers. A homeless 19 year old is not normal and acceptable.

You’re being a bit ridiculous. If your DH (who sounds like a kind and sensible man who knows his way around teenagers and systems) saw him just a year ago then he knows him just fine.

Saying he’d sort it out himself does t make him violent - he may or may not actually intend to do anything. People suggesting calling the police have no idea how dangerous that could be for a young man. Don’t make that a condition of helping him, try to be kind and he may open up about what happened.

Agreed we need to know why he was kicked out but DH doesn't have much contact with his ex now DSD is 12, and I'm unsure if she'd answer as she hasnt in the past when DH has called her whilst on holiday regarding DSD.

@Geniusonit Your DSD can call her Mum on her phone and pass it over to her Dad.

Both you and your DH have and will have children who could one day turn up at a half or step sibling’s place. Hopefully other adults in their lives won’t consider them ‘random’ but will be a bit more open to the connections that all of you have chosen to make by creating multi and blended families.

Guarantee it will be Money/drug related and he knows who done him over.

I didn’t read this before posting, basically said the same thing.

He’s your DSD’s step-brother and he’s hurt. Just let him stay. It’s hugely unlikely to hurt you in any way and it’s a kindness. Let your DH do any of the associated work and go to bed.

He's not a 'random'. He's someone your DH cared for and was a father figure to, and the stepbrother to his daughter. Essentially, he's part of,your DH's extended family,

very sad! clearly this boy needs help. So, his mum is on her third partner. This is not stable for any child, especially when going through teenage years.
I would let him stay even if I don’t know him. I would try to help him find a room and offer him support. You never know.. you might end up saving him from prison down the line.

You are being VERY unreasonable.

Your DH sounds like a very kind and caring man. Thank goodness for that.

I think you should allow him to stay on the condition he has an honest conversation with your partner about why he was beaten up and why his mother has kicked him out because that needs to be known to work out a safe long term solution for him.

He’s hardly more than a child. You can’t turn him away. Not unless he’s done something really terrible.
Like it or not he is part of your extended blended family.

He could have not got on with his present stepdad and has been told to leave and then has been sofa surfing/ sleeping rough and got beaten up. It may not actually be drugs. So if your DSD ineeds to speak to her mum will she pick up the phone?

If I was your DH I'd be leaving you now and taking my DD with me because it's clear that you don't think your DH should have anything to do with his DSS which means sells anything happen to him you wouldn't care about your DSD!
Honestly step or not this young man was your DHs son!

This random will be your child's sister's brother.

Poor DSD! 5 siblings all with a different combination of parents?!

This random boy.
Your Dsd.
Her half siblings from her mother
Her step siblings from you.
And now another half sibling from you and her dad!

I think you have to surely agree to treat them all as siblings of hers equally. If he's polite and clean then I'd let him stay.

Lol at ‘he’s violent’, have you never heard of bravado?
he clearly hasn’t handled it well so far , it sounds like he’s a victim not a perpetrator. You’re not being asked to take in a stranger on your own with your kids. Your husband and stepdaughter know him well. It’s not just your house, have a heart.

Some of the responses on here are shocking. As a parent of a 20 year old boy myself who hasn’t always made the right choices, I find it remarkable how some people are so quick to judge, callous and unkind.

I feel so sorry for this poor child, who is legally an adult, but barely, and anyone who has teenagers will know it takes them a while to be independent however tall and macho they may think they are.

Underneath, there’s a young man who’s had a nasty experience, physically attacked, an unstable family situation, homeless and without his Dad on the scene. His mother doesn’t sound especially caring either.

His sister and step dad sound lovely and have compassion for his situation. I really hope he gets some care and support going forward to help him get back on his feet and get his life on track.

So your other kids are to your DH what this lad is to your DH - let that sink in....

I think you're rotten to the core.