To not want a random boy to stay just because DH does?

[Geniusonit]

Sorry for the clunky title didn't know what else to write!

Long story short, been with DH for 7.5 years. He's got a 12yo DD, he has 50/50 custody of her although sometimes more if her mum goes away with her partner like atm. She has an older brother he's 19, DH isn't his dad, was sort of a stepdad figure when he was with his ex but since they split they didn't have contact and his ex made it clear he wasn't his dad so she wasn't going to allow it.

Anyway, yesterday her mum and younger siblings (toddlers so under school age before anyone asks) and mums partner went away leaving DSD with us and her brother on his own. DSD went back today because she'd forgotten something and then called DH in a panic.

He went round there and her brother was on the sofa sort of out of it and he'd clearly been beaten up, he had injuries on his face etc. DH managed to sort him out and he brought him back here with DSD, apparently DSD was anxious about him being on his own.

When I got back from being out with my sister he had gone back to sleep on our sofa. Hearing from DSD their mum had kicked him out so he obviously snook back when he knew they'd be away. The brother said he didn't know who beat him up but didn't want to report it, said he’d sort it which does sound as though he knows who it is. DH thinks he should stay as he doesn't want him getting into any trouble or hurt again, he doesn't think he's got a concussion but another injury to the face/head so soon obviously wouldn't be good.

I personally don't feel comfortable with a random boy here but he says he's his daughters brother. Am I being U or is DH being soft (for context, he is a head of year in a school and is quite soft on troubled teens especially as he thinks they need kindness not just discipline)

I would let him stay. Discuss with your partner any conditions you need for him to stay, and make it clear it’s temporary and his mum needs to sort it out. But it sounds like the boy needs some kindness, and his sister needs you to be generous to her brother here.

@Geniusonit This..

His mum has gone abroad knowing she chucked him out and he’s only 19. I cant begin to imagine enjoying a hoiiday in that situation. I’d be out of my mind with worry,

I would allow him to stay while the mum is away, but let him know it is not permanent.

He's not random at all. He not only is your dad's brother but he is a boy your dh treated as a son. You are unkind, to say the least

Let him stay but insist that he goes to A&E for a check up. Reporting to the Police would be wise.
He is not a random person.

FFS have a heart.

I honestly can’t believe how heartless and selfish some people are.

Not a random lad.
His DM may not want him back, have
DH call his mother. I'd insist that he gets a medical check up then book him into a cheap b&b for the weekend.

I wouldn't want him to stay in my home either. I feel sorry for him, his life is chaotic.

He is a random man to you OP I understand what you meant. Tbh I would let him stay tonight ONLY with the condition that he is honest about what happened and you contact his mother. Tomorrow he needs to go back home or wherever he has been staying , this is not yours or your DHs mess to sort out. Given his own Mum has kicked him out and he’s been beaten up I would bet he is involved in drugs

I'd let him stay a couple of nights. Make it clear he has to gi to a&e and report it to the police. He obviously can't stay with you long term.. your husband needs to talk with his ex wife

I think you are being unkind. This lad is your dsd's brother and she clearly cares about him. Your DH is quite right to keep him safe at your home until his ex gets back from his holiday. A week with him won't hurt you.

It’s lovely that your partner was a father figure to him for a time and of course he should help him in his time of need. He’s your step-daughter’s brother. This kind of messy shit happens when you get together with someone with children. It is what it is.

Me too.

This is not your responsibility. the failure of his actual parents does not mean you’re required to step in, and having a blended family does not oblige you to take in your stepchild’s sibling. You don’t know this man, and there’s a good chance that your DH is inviting chaos into your lives.

did he stay then?

He's not random though is he? I think your husband is doing the right thing by his daughter.

Whether you've met him before or not, he's part of your extended family. I can get why you're not thrilled about the prospect of looking after him, but that it what's expected of family in times of crisis. It doesn't sound like it's putting you out much either. I get you're uncomfortable and inconvenienced, but I don't think you can turn a family member out over this. In a few days, you definitely need to speak to him about where he plans to live long-term, with a view to him moving out. But whilst he's beaten and homeless, you can't put him out on the street no.

Reminds me of a line from Clueless. When Cher is complaining to her dad that he still invites Paul Rudd over her dad says: “You divorce wives not children.” Your husband sounds like a decent man.

What an awful way to describe your DSD brother, he is not a random boy ffs. He needs help,

I bet there are drugs involved.

Kicking your child out is not something that is done lightly. I would let home stay the night but your husband needs to speak with ex.

I can understand you feeling uneasy, but I think you should let him stay the night and take it from there. Definitely contact his mum immediately. If my son was beaten up I would be on the 1st plane back. You need to find out why he was kicked out and really it’s up to her to sort her son.
If you kick him out you are all going to be stressing about him.

I agree. Your DH sounds like a really nice, decent man. I do understand you might have some misgivings, but this 19 year old is not just a random boy to your DSD and your DH. I think you need to go along with this for the time being.

So sorry about the "Beeeee kiinnnnnddd!" imbeciles flooding you with messages.

Be kind gets women raped and murdered. Shove that right out of your mind.

Your husband is also not being kind - not to you. He wants to be a white knight saviour, and is much more concerned about the violent young man than he is about your rights and natural, reality based concerns.

Intuition exists for a reason. Of course you must not welcome into your home a violent young man who is a stranger to you. It is absolutely irrelevant that your husband knew him and was a "father figure" to him a decade ago - unless you are entirely comfortable and happy with this arrangement the violent young man who is being cagey about what happened doesn't get to stay.

You're not, so that's the end of it.

Apparently your husband has a working brain so he should be easily able to understand this. It's not his choice to make, when it comes to moving people into your home it is a one person veto's it decision.

Veto it.

Your husband can pay to put him up in a hotel for a couple of nights till he sorts himself out. THAT is a kindness, not foisting him on his unwilling partner.

You are not a doormat and it is not your job to squash your own valid concerns down to please the menfolk.

Getting into some kind of trouble and being beaten up doesn't mean that the lad himself is violent.
That's a huge assumption to make.

I’d definitely let him stay, poor lad.