To not want a random boy to stay just because DH does?

[Geniusonit]

Sorry for the clunky title didn't know what else to write!

Long story short, been with DH for 7.5 years. He's got a 12yo DD, he has 50/50 custody of her although sometimes more if her mum goes away with her partner like atm. She has an older brother he's 19, DH isn't his dad, was sort of a stepdad figure when he was with his ex but since they split they didn't have contact and his ex made it clear he wasn't his dad so she wasn't going to allow it.

Anyway, yesterday her mum and younger siblings (toddlers so under school age before anyone asks) and mums partner went away leaving DSD with us and her brother on his own. DSD went back today because she'd forgotten something and then called DH in a panic.

He went round there and her brother was on the sofa sort of out of it and he'd clearly been beaten up, he had injuries on his face etc. DH managed to sort him out and he brought him back here with DSD, apparently DSD was anxious about him being on his own.

When I got back from being out with my sister he had gone back to sleep on our sofa. Hearing from DSD their mum had kicked him out so he obviously snook back when he knew they'd be away. The brother said he didn't know who beat him up but didn't want to report it, said he’d sort it which does sound as though he knows who it is. DH thinks he should stay as he doesn't want him getting into any trouble or hurt again, he doesn't think he's got a concussion but another injury to the face/head so soon obviously wouldn't be good.

I personally don't feel comfortable with a random boy here but he says he's his daughters brother. Am I being U or is DH being soft (for context, he is a head of year in a school and is quite soft on troubled teens especially as he thinks they need kindness not just discipline)

I agree. The thread title sounded like he was a complete stranger. Your DH was in a 'father figure' type role to him previously even if not his bio father.

He’s not a random boy, he is part of your blended family. Moreover, he is vulnerable and in need. Give him the benefit of the doubt.

How is he part of OP’s blended family when her DH wasn’t even a step parent, let alone a step parent, and hasn’t had anything to do with the boy since he was a child ? He may be vulnerable, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t pose a risk and OP has other children to think about. I simply can’t believe that posters are advising her to give him the benefit of the doubt and to let him stay given the circumstances and the presence of other children in the house. Would you put yourself and your own children at risk for a stranger ?

How do you know he’s not involved in drugs or that OP’s household will be safe ? The boy has refused to say what happened and doesn’t want to go to the police or even see a doctor to get himself checked out over the beating. And how did he get back into his mum’s house after she chucked him out ? Sounds like he broke in. OP doesnt have to put him up all they have to do is make a call to adult safeguarding services and explain the situation.

Yes probably.

@Rosscameasdoody Check out the OP’s update at 9:01 today, he’s told them more about the situation.

It may not be the full story/complete truth, of course, her DH is still trying to contact his ex.

If it was one of my SS other siblings I would let them stay until they I was sure they were okay and their mother returned, but I have to admit to being someone that tends to err on the side of providing help and support to young people.

Also, putting myself in DH shoes, if my DH and I broke up and my SS needed me I would be there in a heartbeat, even if I had not been lucky enough for him to stay in touch.

Can you set some boundaries for him with your DH if he does stay?

He sounds very vulnerable. This sounds like it may be a county lines or grooming set-up. Saying he will “sort it” doesn’t necessarily mean with violence. He may think he can pay back whoever did this by getting further involved e.g. paying back money or running errands.

Your DSD and DH have just had a glimpse of her future if she ever needed your help.

He was a step parent, it might suit OP to say, sort of step parent.
We don't know how long ago the relationships ended, how long they were together.
Keeping in mind, we only get OP's side of the story, which is obviously tailored to suit the narrative.

To be fair, his own mother threw him out. OP at least needs to find out why he was thrown out and why he was beaten up. I would be worried the people who attacked him would come to my door. It's all very well saying to be kind but not at the expense of feeling safe in your own home. He needs to be honest with them

@jdb9803 See the OP’s update at 9:01 today. It may not be the full story, of course.

he told DH his mum was his PIP appointee, she sort of sold it to him that he then wouldn't need to talk to anyone, it’d be her except she'd take his money. When he found out she started giving it to him but they asked him to leave, he doesn't know why. He was then staying with “friends” who'd make him buy things constantly and they knew his card details. When he was beaten up they took his card and he sort of thought they were joking but they obviously weren't, they beat him up and left him.

This- This poor lad needs help and you are not being very kind, glad your DH is.

He’s not a random boy. YABU. I would let him stay but I would also call his mother to let her know

OP YABU of course if he can your DH should try to help this boy he’s his DD’s brother and if nothing else she is going to remember how you both deal with this situation.

Adult social services.
A call to DWP to check on the PIP.
A friendly chat to the police for advice (not reporting) with an appropriate adult (your DH) on how they can help people, because it sounds like he may be scared of the police? E.g. cuckooing, money mules, county lines, blackmail, modern slavery etc.

It sounds like his learning disabilities prevent him from making good decisions. He can't 'sort it'.

I know. Random boy is your stepdaughters half brother not so random.

Every time a poster like @thebabayaga2025 rails against "being kind" in that OTT way (and disingenuously tries to turn it into a feminist issue) I always think, hmm, you have never once had a kind thought in your life, have you?

This is QUITE the drip-feed.

Your first few posts were deliberately worded in such a way that we might infer that he's violent, mixed up with drugs or gangs, and unsafe to even look at let alone help out.

And it turns out he has learning disabilities and he's been financially abused by both his mother and his so-called friends, and he - as far as I can tell from the info given - does not have a safe home to go to.

To be clear, you washing your hands of him will essentially make a vulnerable adult with learning disabilities homeless (or send him back into an exploitative situation). That is what you want?

To be fair to OP she only found out this additional information after making her first post, she has updated as the situation becomes clearer.

I will ask? Why get pregnant?
Seriously, give your head a wobble.

OP, this boy sounds like trouble. I do see he also sounds vulnerable, though. I don't know what to suggest beyond your DH keeps trying his mum and makes it clear she needs to step up.
Does he have any other known family in the UK?

YABVVVU and unkind.

He isn't a 'random boy' - and I know you've tried to backtrack on that, but you used it to try to get people on your side so it bears saying again.

He is a vulnerable adult who needs the support of a decent adult to look after him and help him sort things out. It sounds like neither his mother or father are the people to do that so he is lucky he has a decent man, in your dh, to do that.
The fact he isn't technically related to you is irrelevant here.

Your dh sounds like a much better person than you.

@Geniusonit It’s a few days since you posted. How are things going? I hope the lad is recovering, and suitable plans are being made for his future.