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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a random boy to stay just because DH does?

372 replies

Geniusonit · 06/09/2025 21:18

Sorry for the clunky title didn't know what else to write!

Long story short, been with DH for 7.5 years. He's got a 12yo DD, he has 50/50 custody of her although sometimes more if her mum goes away with her partner like atm. She has an older brother he's 19, DH isn't his dad, was sort of a stepdad figure when he was with his ex but since they split they didn't have contact and his ex made it clear he wasn't his dad so she wasn't going to allow it.

Anyway, yesterday her mum and younger siblings (toddlers so under school age before anyone asks) and mums partner went away leaving DSD with us and her brother on his own. DSD went back today because she'd forgotten something and then called DH in a panic.

He went round there and her brother was on the sofa sort of out of it and he'd clearly been beaten up, he had injuries on his face etc. DH managed to sort him out and he brought him back here with DSD, apparently DSD was anxious about him being on his own.

When I got back from being out with my sister he had gone back to sleep on our sofa. Hearing from DSD their mum had kicked him out so he obviously snook back when he knew they'd be away. The brother said he didn't know who beat him up but didn't want to report it, said he’d sort it which does sound as though he knows who it is. DH thinks he should stay as he doesn't want him getting into any trouble or hurt again, he doesn't think he's got a concussion but another injury to the face/head so soon obviously wouldn't be good.

I personally don't feel comfortable with a random boy here but he says he's his daughters brother. Am I being U or is DH being soft (for context, he is a head of year in a school and is quite soft on troubled teens especially as he thinks they need kindness not just discipline)

OP posts:
PosiePetal · 06/09/2025 22:20

Growlybear83 · 06/09/2025 21:32

I think you’re being extremely unreasonable and unkind.

And this!

Pdam · 06/09/2025 22:20

He isn't a "random boy" how unkind are you. Your husband would have been in his life from him being very young, he's had a relationship with your husband longer than you have! He's obviously wound up in some sort of trouble, I understand you don't want to be involved but he isn't a random to your husband or his daughter, they obviously cares about him.

whattheysay · 06/09/2025 22:20

When you stay ‘stay’ so you mean live with you forever as the mother kicked him out? Where does he live now he obviously doesn’t have anyway secure to go to as he went back to his house/mum’s house when she was away.

MJMaude · 06/09/2025 22:20

Jk987 · 06/09/2025 22:19

Sounds messed up as this boy is on his 3rd father and he’s only 19.

Quite. So many adults/parent figures putting themselves above him.

MadinMarch · 06/09/2025 22:20

Woompund · 06/09/2025 21:32

He's not a random boy though is he?

This! Absolutely not a random boy.
Op should be ashamed of herself. However, I do think that his mother should be contacted asap.

1apenny2apenny · 06/09/2025 22:21

I would not let him stay until I had spoken to the boys mother about why they kicked him out. There are red flags all over this - they kicked him out, he was beaten up and sneaked back, he won’t report. There could be drugs involved here or anything.

No he wouldn’t be staying in my house. A lift back to his mothers house once he’s cleaned up.

Flopsy145 · 06/09/2025 22:22

If I had my own younger children at home it would be a no, or I would stay elsewhere for a few days with my kids and leave dh, DSD and her bro to it until the mum was back.
However if I didn't have my kids at home I wouldn't mind helping him out and having him stay

1apenny2apenny · 06/09/2025 22:23

And he’s not a child he’s 19.

Velmy · 06/09/2025 22:24

AardvarkaKedavra · 06/09/2025 21:57

I wouldn't like it one bit. I make a point of not involving myself with a rough crowd (the type to get beaten up and act cagey about how it happened), and I'd not appreciate having that brought into my life. I think it comes down to whether or not you feel safe with him in the house. If you don't feel that he's dangerous to your family and home, maybe allow it briefly, but with you DH on notice that it's up to him to sort this out immediately (not a long-term solution).

How very judgemental. So if someone gets beaten up (generally something that happens against a person's will), they're part of a rough crowd? If I beat you up, are you 'rough'?

Throwitawayagain · 06/09/2025 22:24

Your husband sounds lovely...

Livpool · 06/09/2025 22:24

He isn’t a random boy - he is your DH’s stepson…

LivingWithANob · 06/09/2025 22:24

I would help the lad. I think youre being a bit harsh op.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/09/2025 22:25

He’s not random! He’s DSD’s brother. And your husband must have had something of a fatherly relationship to him at one time.

I agree with making it a condition to tell you the truth about what happened and to contact his Mum and the police.

Nostylequeen · 06/09/2025 22:27

1apenny2apenny · 06/09/2025 22:21

I would not let him stay until I had spoken to the boys mother about why they kicked him out. There are red flags all over this - they kicked him out, he was beaten up and sneaked back, he won’t report. There could be drugs involved here or anything.

No he wouldn’t be staying in my house. A lift back to his mothers house once he’s cleaned up.

This. Sounds like he is a whole lot of trouble. He is nobody to you or your dh actually, you don’t have to feel like you have to. He needs to be sent back to his parents.

MeridianB · 06/09/2025 22:30

Clearly he has problems and the beating he doesn’t want to report makes these really worrying. If your DH is determined to babysit him, he should do it at ex’s house.

Original poster
Geniusonit · 06/09/2025 22:31

I admit I worded it wrong but as I said I don't know him, I've never met him and never had reason to.

I do have children from a previous relationship but they aren't here this weekend. I am currently pregnant too.

I'm just concerned because I know nothing about him and he's very different to when DH knew him, if they had kept a relationship i’d feel differently as I would at least know him then.

DH initially said one night and then he can't be on his own with a possible concussion (DH doesn't think he has one but can't he 100%, he also doesn't want to see a doctor) or with the risk of getting himself into trouble if he decides to “sort it out himself”.

OP posts:
BlaBlaBlaBlaBlaBlaBlaBlaBlaBla · 06/09/2025 22:34

Hes your DSDs half brother, so yes let him stay unless you’ve worrying safeguarding concerns about why he shouldn’t.

BlaBlaBlaBlaBlaBlaBlaBlaBlaBla · 06/09/2025 22:36

For peace of mind DH could chat to his ex

Goodadvice1980 · 06/09/2025 22:36

Geniusonit · 06/09/2025 22:31

I admit I worded it wrong but as I said I don't know him, I've never met him and never had reason to.

I do have children from a previous relationship but they aren't here this weekend. I am currently pregnant too.

I'm just concerned because I know nothing about him and he's very different to when DH knew him, if they had kept a relationship i’d feel differently as I would at least know him then.

DH initially said one night and then he can't be on his own with a possible concussion (DH doesn't think he has one but can't he 100%, he also doesn't want to see a doctor) or with the risk of getting himself into trouble if he decides to “sort it out himself”.

Possible concussion OP? I think I’d be tempted to call the police and ambulance/111 myself. You are pregnant and your dh should be prioritising that.

Clarabell77 · 06/09/2025 22:36

MJMaude · 06/09/2025 21:39

Seems like you've willingly entered into a blended family situation which has turned your DH's stepson (through no choice of his own) into a "random boy". How cruel.

This.

GoldDuster · 06/09/2025 22:38

He's not random, not even to you. You've never met him and you know nothing about him? Ditto for him, you're the pregnant wife of one of his step dads who he lost touch with through no fault of his own.

DH rings the mother to find out what has been going on from her perspective, and then it sounds like he's a good responsible adult with experience of teens in trouble to keep an eye on him for now. He needs support, not your judgement, don't stand in his way.

Diarygirlqueen · 06/09/2025 22:40

Come on OP, you have children yourself, show some empathy!

Clarabell77 · 06/09/2025 22:41

Nostylequeen · 06/09/2025 22:27

This. Sounds like he is a whole lot of trouble. He is nobody to you or your dh actually, you don’t have to feel like you have to. He needs to be sent back to his parents.

Show quote history

He’s not “nobody” to her husband, what a nasty comment to make. The husband has had a parental-type relationship with the boy.

BruFord · 06/09/2025 22:44

I’d also be concerned that his Mum threw him out due to drugs (use and/or dealing) and that could have resulted in him being beaten up.

Could your DSD ring her Mum and explain that your DH needs to speak to her- and he can find out what’s going on?

thirdfiddle · 06/09/2025 22:45

His own mum has chucked him out and he's been in some kind of fight or beaten up and won't say who attacked him. He may be in need of medical help too.

All this together says to me without knowing a lot more about the situation I wouldn't want this person in my house overnight. If he's in debt to drug gangs or something you may find yourselves robbed blind.

Medical help if he's at all persuadable. Then police, who may also have better luck than you at persuading him. If nobody can get him to accept medical help, you may be able to get a better idea what's going on by talking to ex even if she's abroad and not going to be any help.