To not want a random boy to stay just because DH does?

[Geniusonit]

Sorry for the clunky title didn't know what else to write!

Long story short, been with DH for 7.5 years. He's got a 12yo DD, he has 50/50 custody of her although sometimes more if her mum goes away with her partner like atm. She has an older brother he's 19, DH isn't his dad, was sort of a stepdad figure when he was with his ex but since they split they didn't have contact and his ex made it clear he wasn't his dad so she wasn't going to allow it.

Anyway, yesterday her mum and younger siblings (toddlers so under school age before anyone asks) and mums partner went away leaving DSD with us and her brother on his own. DSD went back today because she'd forgotten something and then called DH in a panic.

He went round there and her brother was on the sofa sort of out of it and he'd clearly been beaten up, he had injuries on his face etc. DH managed to sort him out and he brought him back here with DSD, apparently DSD was anxious about him being on his own.

When I got back from being out with my sister he had gone back to sleep on our sofa. Hearing from DSD their mum had kicked him out so he obviously snook back when he knew they'd be away. The brother said he didn't know who beat him up but didn't want to report it, said he’d sort it which does sound as though he knows who it is. DH thinks he should stay as he doesn't want him getting into any trouble or hurt again, he doesn't think he's got a concussion but another injury to the face/head so soon obviously wouldn't be good.

I personally don't feel comfortable with a random boy here but he says he's his daughters brother. Am I being U or is DH being soft (for context, he is a head of year in a school and is quite soft on troubled teens especially as he thinks they need kindness not just discipline)

I'm not going to repeat myself RE “random boy” I've explained more than once. Maybe RTFT.

He told us his mum had lied and said he wasn't entitled to PIP after the renewal assessment which his mum spoke on his behalf. Then he found out she was still getting it, she was just stealing it.

He does having learning difficulties though they aren't automatically obvious straight away, his mum still hasn't answered DH’s calls. He's still saying he doesn't want to report it as the police (and the bank) will say it's his own fault and he's still saying he'll sort it himself which obviously won't go well as there's also more of them and only him and he's always been beaten up once

I’d let him stay til mum gets home, he can’t go back to his ‘friends’ who beat him up and nicked his card. My big worry would be if trouble finds him at yours. Is his biological dad not in the picture?

Hmm it sounds like this young man may be quite vulnerable. Has learning disabilities and sounds Iike he was "befriended" by some people who then exploited him, and now have been violent towards him, and he thought they were joking so it doesn't sound like he necessarily understands what has happened.

It's a difficult situation because if this is all the case, his parents probably need to be supporting him.

Making him homeless as it sounds like they have is clearly particularly risky if he is vulnerable to this kind of exploitation.

It's hard to know what to do... Maybe contact some youth/social services?

He needs support, ideally from parents but definitely from somewhere.

You're framing this arguing all wrong.

He's NOT a random person.
He IS your step daughter’s brother.

Why are you arguing over that? You're hardly going to win?

His behaviour indicates he's unsafe to be around children. This is your argument. What's your husband’s answer to that one? Perhaps you want the truth out of him first before you decide to let him stay? What if it's some sort of drug debt and you're about to have serious trouble at your door?

He’s hardly a “random boy” when he’s the sibling of your stepdaughter and your husband lived with him for a number of years.

I thought when OP updated is he being cuckooed for county lines?

Would have thought Adult Safeguarding ASC would be the most helpful first port of call?

Goodness, this is an awful situation. The only positive is that he’s not involved in drugs and your household will be safe.

But the situation with his Mum/his PIP is horrendous, how could she do that to him and then throw him out? With his SN, he was bound to be exploited.

It sounds as if your DH is prepared to advocate for him and get him some support.

How do you feel about having this young man stay for a few more days? Given his SN, putting him up in a hotel might not be a good idea, he may struggle to look after himself.

Why do you keep assuming "sort it himself" means violence though? I certainly wouldn't make that leap.

I don't blame him not reporting it to the police, especially if is returning to the same area.
How old was DD when they split up?
Why hasn't your DP applied for full custody, if the DM is not good, I'm surprised a future head teacher would have such bad judgement when he chose to have DC with her.

Apologies, edited as you were talking about his DD not DSS.

Also, very good point.

Assuming he received his income support too, I doubt he was penniless.
Sometimes handing a teenager pip on top their weekly drives them to drugs and other unsavoury things.

Obviously let him stay for the moment. He is your step-daughter's brother and she clearly loves him and worries about him. If you don't want her to hate and resent you in the future, you really have no choice.

Don't force his hand to report at this point - you have no idea of the situation he is in and the damage that could lead to. It would be wonderful if we lived in a world in which the police could magically protect everyone and make everything ok - but sadly, we don't.

If it's true that his mom steals from him he needs to stay away from her. It sounds like he needs some support - I am wondering about the extent of his SEND and whether he has a diagnosis? Whether any help would be available to him from SS as an adult?

I think I read your DH is a secondary school teacher - if so he can hopefully access advice from the SENCO and/or members of the safeguarding team in the morning.

Your husband and your SD sound like good, loving people - you too if this young man is still in your home and you are being nice to him. Nobody is suggesting you put him up forever - .that's impractical I imagine with kids of your own, SD and a baby on the way (unless your house and your incomes are huge!). But if you can just hold his hand for now, and move him on to the next step, that would be a bloody good thing to do, and will, I ak sure, earn your SD's love and gratitude forever.

(And it's OK to be streSed by the situation. Any sane woman would be, and you are pregnant which makes most of us more stressed, protective and anxious! But keep going, and hopefully it will work itself out.

If he has head injuries perhaps he should go to A&E for scan/Xrays

ffs, can we please stop being so fucking disablist. A vulnerable young man with disabilities and PIP is not an automatic risk for drugs, for county lines, or for violence.

Keep your stereotypes to yourself and stop trying to demonise this poor lad.

You are completely unreasonable for describing him as a ‘random boy’. He isn’t random at all. You are not being unreasonable to feel concerned about the whole situation.

Have you rtft? He is already being abused for his money, he's homeless, he has a learning difficulty, he hangs about with people who abuse him, he has been assaulted.

It's not disablist to acknowledge that vulnerable teenagers are often at risk to cuckoo gangs, for money, transporting or accommodation.

This young man has already been manipulated, not a stretch that his "mates" would steal his pip payment too.

being taken advantage of is NOT in the same realm as taking drugs/being violent.

I have to admit I would be a bit nervous about this too - given the circumstances. However, I hope I would be able to at least try this out, as this young man seems to be in need of some support.

Fucking hell. Why would you not help this young man who is your DH’s stepson? Jesus get a grip.

OP, while I understand that you're uncomfortable having a 19 year old in the house who you don't know and who has violent 'friends' that he has recently fought with, to my mind the only decent thing is to let him stay.

Call me 'soft', but I'd want to do that much for any vulnerable kid that I've got even a faint connection with if they've just been beaten up and cut loose by an anyway neglectful mother.

Of course that's not a long-time solution, and given the difference in attitudes, you may have difficult conversations in your future your DH's level of involvement. I hope there's a good outcome somewhere.

He isn’t dh’s stepson. He’s the child of dh’s ex. Dh knew him in the past, but hadn’t had any role in his life for several years, and hasn’t even seen him for years.

He’s not DH’s stepson. He is his ex’s son and when the relationship broke down she told DH she no longer wanted him in her son’s life. He hasn’t seen him since he was a child, he knows nothing about him as an adult and the circumstances he’s now in are far from clear. OP is pregnant and has other young children in the house and doesn’t know if this man poses a risk to any of them. If anything I think it’s DH who is being unreasonable here by imposing his wishes on OP and her kids without knowing the full picture. They can support him in different ways while moving him out into a B&B or hotel until his mum gets back.

Did you know he had learning disabilities before now? It seems extremely harsh to want to turf him out if so.