To not want a random boy to stay just because DH does?

[Geniusonit]

Sorry for the clunky title didn't know what else to write!

Long story short, been with DH for 7.5 years. He's got a 12yo DD, he has 50/50 custody of her although sometimes more if her mum goes away with her partner like atm. She has an older brother he's 19, DH isn't his dad, was sort of a stepdad figure when he was with his ex but since they split they didn't have contact and his ex made it clear he wasn't his dad so she wasn't going to allow it.

Anyway, yesterday her mum and younger siblings (toddlers so under school age before anyone asks) and mums partner went away leaving DSD with us and her brother on his own. DSD went back today because she'd forgotten something and then called DH in a panic.

He went round there and her brother was on the sofa sort of out of it and he'd clearly been beaten up, he had injuries on his face etc. DH managed to sort him out and he brought him back here with DSD, apparently DSD was anxious about him being on his own.

When I got back from being out with my sister he had gone back to sleep on our sofa. Hearing from DSD their mum had kicked him out so he obviously snook back when he knew they'd be away. The brother said he didn't know who beat him up but didn't want to report it, said he’d sort it which does sound as though he knows who it is. DH thinks he should stay as he doesn't want him getting into any trouble or hurt again, he doesn't think he's got a concussion but another injury to the face/head so soon obviously wouldn't be good.

I personally don't feel comfortable with a random boy here but he says he's his daughters brother. Am I being U or is DH being soft (for context, he is a head of year in a school and is quite soft on troubled teens especially as he thinks they need kindness not just discipline)

I wouldn’t go applying for mum of the year.

He also said he would "sort it himself" and OP has made it clear he meant he would sort out the person who attacked him himself. Listen to her, as she is the one who is in the situation, that's what she thinks.

The young man refuses to report it to the police, and he was also chucked out of his mother's house.

You are ignoring facts in order to defend a violent young man who is a total stranger to you.

You - and many commenters - should look at why you automatically defend men instead of caring about women's genuine, reality based safety concerns.

Her husband can put him up in a hotel, that way he's sorted the situation without imposing a violent young man on his wife in her own home without her consent.

What a nasty self absorbed post. Adults knowingly, selfishly create these situations where kids are shoved from pillar to post, deprived of security and stability, encouraged to get attached to parental figures and then have them torn away. Then when, entirely predictably, those kids struggle during adolescence and young adulthood and make poor choices, you think the adults (who are actively engaged in further complicating this already messy situation by adding more kids) should walk away, wash their hands of the situation and throw the kid to the wolves with a clear conscience?

And let us imagine the highly unlikely scenario that the violent young man turns out to be an angel sent from heaven who would never harm the wings on a fly, his mother threw him out because she's Cruelle De Vil and when he refused to go the police and said he'd "sort it himself" he really meant he was going to join a prayer group, pray for the attacker's soul and become a therapist to help violent young men to control themselves.

Her husband can still put him up in a hotel. That way he is still showing his care and concern without imposing his desire to be a white knight does not trump his wife's needs, she has nothing but reality based concerns and a right to sleep safely and comfortably in her own home.

There is no scenario here that means a woman should feel obliged - ever for any reason - to allow a man who shows signs of being violent stay in her home.

It is deeply concerning that so many women on this site are doormats for men who will do anything at all to bend over backwards to a man, while telling women to ignore their intuition and put themselves in deeply uncomfortable situations to please the menfolk.

You have literally nothing to say so instead resorted to vile personal attacks. What a nasty, self absorbed abusive attack on a woman who wants other women to be safe and not bend over backwards to the menfolk at her own expense. Your internalised misogyny is deeply harmful. Seek therapy.

so mum doesn't want him dad doesn't want him now you don't want him little wonder he is in with wrong crowd poor kid

Please do update us OP, I hope you are safe and have not been forced to take a violent young man who is not in fact your husban'd son, and who nobody has had any knowledge of over the past decade, into your home.

Obviously, he is not a child, a kid, or a boy at all, despite the attempts to rewrite reality by women on this thread who prefer that women are unsafe in order to kowtow to the menfolk.

If he is in debt to these violent people, he'll be desperate, you'll wake up to an empty house, people are very naively feeling angry towards OP.
Be extremely cautious.

Op partner/husband is not the 19yr Old's father.
He has a daughter with the mum that's on hols abroad.

not a random of the street then he is the step daughters brother and known to her partner she is throwing toys out of pram and poor kid is unwanted and trying to make his way in the world probably angry and mixed up s to why no one wants him unwanted kids are the ones who get into more bother then wanted ones

Please do elaborate on the “vile personal attacks”. I said your POST was nasty. It is. And I don’t think you understand the meaning of “literally”. I had plenty to say - you just apparently disagree with it and instead of putting forward a coherent rebuttal, resort to personal insults.

The former stepfather absolutely should be able to walk away with a clear conscience, yes. He isn’t the responsibility of OP’s husband, and is certainly not the responsibility of OP.

Yes, and that is just one of 20 bad scenarios that could come about.

Women demanding OP deny herself safety and ignore her rights and intuition are not just being naive - because that indicates they don't mean any harm.

Anyone telling OP to take a stranger who is a violent man (not boy, not kid, man) into her home who is being cagey about what happened is at best over privileged to the point they have no idea about reality at all and should just not weigh in on such matters.

And it's not those clowns who will wake up to the door being banged at midnight, or worse.

That still doesn't mean op husband has a duty of care for him.
As pp outlined he's been kicked out by his mum,he's going to sort the assault out himself.
Spare me I'll wager this kid ain't no innocent.

You had "literally" nothing to say to me that needed to be said as you were vile and completely wrong from start to finish. Really, actually, literally, nothing at all to say.

No, I don't need to repeat your vile personal attack. You have nothing to say, and you are wrong, and have realised how disgusting you were being and trying to backpedal to attempt to sound more reasonable.

If I tell you to fuck off and harass and abuse someone else will you whiningly report the post?

Lol. No, he isn’t her extended family. He isn’t even an in law to OP. Even if that were true though, it still wouldn’t mean it’s on OP to take him in. Fuck ‘expectations’.

Right, and her husband is actually not even his stepfather and has not seen him since he was a child.

But yep, even if he was a relative (which he was not) it is never a woman's job to coddle a man at her own risk and expense. Her husband can put him up in a hotel and go and visit him and try and sort it out, while keeping his wife safe and actually listening to her reality based concerns, if her husband so chooses.

I suspect if he did clear them out, to sort the people who have beat him up, pp's would be advising OP to let it go, don't report the burglary, give him another chance. 😅

I think YABU - his sister clearly cares for him, which suggests they have a good relationship - not something guaranteed between a 12 year old and a 19 year old. He's a kid who's got in a spot of trouble and by the sounds of it doesn't have anyone in his corner who he can turn to for support.

Now you want to turn him away too?

Your DH is right, troubled teens do need kindness. If everyone they could possible get support from turns them away, ofc they are going to end up in more trouble.

You think he's violent?? Because he said he would deal with it himself?? That is a massive assumption.

I understand you not wanting to bring trouble into your home, but being kicked out and being beaten up doesn't necessarily mean he's a bad person. Maybe he's made a few bad decisions but who hasn't? Maybe he doesn't get on with the step dad, which happens often in blended families. My 'step dad' would have kicked me out the moment I turned 16 if he could have, not that I was a bad kid. He just didn't like me.

Your DH sounds like a good man.

Adults who knowingly marry/have children with a person who already has children and step-children, and add more children of various parentage to the mix, should accept some level of responsibility for the children already in this confusing, unstable situation, and the poor choices those children make as a result of their turbulent upbringing.

Nope. Re read the OP's posts.

Who decided he was a 'violent young man ' ?

Or does it fit the narrative better ?

Well that escalated fast. 😂 What a bizarre uncalled-for foul-mouthed rant! Are you quite ok??
And you still don’t understand the meaning of the word literally.

I think the PP was right, this young man is/was the step child of her DH?

People will sing a different tune when they realise the 19 year old could be involved in something very shady and who knows who may come to the door. If there was some close relationship with DH then OP would have met the lad. OP is pregnant. If anyone is vulnerable right now, it is OP. At this time, a short stay is reasonable and then the ex (even though is abroad) needs to deal with it.

My MIL fostered a family who turned out to fleece her and put her through an emotional wringer, solely blaming her for all their failings. She is a lovely lady and it makes me sick thinking about it - the time and money and emotional support she spent. She spent her younger and older years supporting the teen she had fostered only to have him blame her for everything. His kid turned out to be a thug and once it was suggested by the thug’s dad (not MIL) that the teen stay with DH and I to straighten him out (as we are fairly square people). No thanks, didn’t fancy being held up with a knife at my throat (that one of his crimes) or have him steal our money (another crime).

I met the kid when he was younger (pre-teen) and then this suggestion was put forward a few years later, when the teen was a convicted criminal.