To not want a random boy to stay just because DH does?

[Geniusonit]

Sorry for the clunky title didn't know what else to write!

Long story short, been with DH for 7.5 years. He's got a 12yo DD, he has 50/50 custody of her although sometimes more if her mum goes away with her partner like atm. She has an older brother he's 19, DH isn't his dad, was sort of a stepdad figure when he was with his ex but since they split they didn't have contact and his ex made it clear he wasn't his dad so she wasn't going to allow it.

Anyway, yesterday her mum and younger siblings (toddlers so under school age before anyone asks) and mums partner went away leaving DSD with us and her brother on his own. DSD went back today because she'd forgotten something and then called DH in a panic.

He went round there and her brother was on the sofa sort of out of it and he'd clearly been beaten up, he had injuries on his face etc. DH managed to sort him out and he brought him back here with DSD, apparently DSD was anxious about him being on his own.

When I got back from being out with my sister he had gone back to sleep on our sofa. Hearing from DSD their mum had kicked him out so he obviously snook back when he knew they'd be away. The brother said he didn't know who beat him up but didn't want to report it, said he’d sort it which does sound as though he knows who it is. DH thinks he should stay as he doesn't want him getting into any trouble or hurt again, he doesn't think he's got a concussion but another injury to the face/head so soon obviously wouldn't be good.

I personally don't feel comfortable with a random boy here but he says he's his daughters brother. Am I being U or is DH being soft (for context, he is a head of year in a school and is quite soft on troubled teens especially as he thinks they need kindness not just discipline)

He’s not a random boy - your DH was his father figure for a while - show some compassion

He is absolutely not a random boy.

Could be a drug debt and that's why he's been thrown out. DH should go and stay in his ex's. It shouldn't be brought to your door and things could escalate. It's another address that people could be looking for him at.

He is not a random boy. He is a child your partner had a lot to do with once and is in bad place. Respect to him stepping up and wanting to help this kid.

As a short term plan it seems like a good one . It sounds like your DP is a good and kind man , I think you are being unfair

I wouldn't think of that as a random person; he's your stepdaughter's family member and once was your DH's as well. If you're specifically afraid of having him in the house then your DH should respect that, but otherwise it sounds like both DH and DSD are comfortable with him and no other children in the house (?) I think he should go when he's well enough to be on his own, but in the meantime it would be great if DH could take him to be checked out by a doctor. Finally, I may be way off base here but what you've written about his mother doesn't make her sound great; I wouldn't automatically assume he's been sent away for wrongdoing and I do think it's a good sign that his sister obviously loves him.

I think Yabu. He's not a random, he's your dh's child's brother.
I'd love my dh all the more for showing such a caring nature tbh.

If you have your own young children to think about, I wouldn't risk it whatsoever, and after all he does have his motbers home to go to anyway.
But if you only have DSD and she is okay with it I would let him stay.

YABU he is your stepdaughters brother and your husband was a father figure in his life. He’s also 19 so hardly a man- and certainly not a random. Just be kind… it’s not that difficult surely. Him saying he will sort it out doesnt necessarily mean he is violent.

YABU. He's a person who needs help. Yes, not your or your husband's responsibility but just be kind. You don't have to adopt him, just help him keep safe.

I’m a bit torn.

He’s not totally a random boy, but he is a stranger to you. For the sake of your dsd, who obviously cares about him, I would help.

However, the fact that his mother has thrown him out, and he’s been beaten up would send me alarm bells. Plus he admits he can be violent. That would worry me. Have you any dc living at home?

Whats his long term plans? Has he got somewhere to live? Does dh envisage he stays at yours short term to recover, or longer term? On one hand, you’ve got a young whos facing a hard time, but also you could consider you’ve got a young adult who could cause trouble.,

You are being awful. Do as your DH requested and leave him be - meanwhile try to find your compassion for everyone else involved. All you are doing is making a tough situation even more difficult.
He’s not random. Whether you like or not he’s part of the family you chose. And he needs some support right now.

I would assume he's been beaten up over drug debts, since he's cagey about it.

You are being awful, i agree. A random boy??

Yabu.

If DSD wants him there to take care of him then I would too.

He’s not a random boy! He’s a young adult whom your partner was a father figure to, not to mention a sibling to his daughter!

How come your DSD was on her own when she found her brother? I’d take him in for the night and your partner should contact his mum asap.

Totally agree with this.
please let him stay, and be supportive… for now at least.

But I do think your DH needs to get to the bottom of when and why he was kicked out of his mums house, and where is he living now etc?

And is he working, or at college?
It is wise to ensure drugs or gambling (or gang) problems aren’t following him to your house. Even if just so he can help him properly.

Despite your DH not maintaining direct contact over the last 7-8 years presumably he has talked to his daughter about him over the years? He must’ve been a big part of this young man’s life for at least 5 years (if not more) so he is definitely not ‘random’. Did they have a good relationship when your DH was with his mother? (Or were they both glad at the time to stop seeing each other?)
Either way - I agree you need to trust your DH, he sounds lovely… not soft!

Once the blending of families moves into a chain situation it becomes so potentially cruel to children imo.

I would let him stay, 100%. My DC have half siblings and I'd be there for them if they needed it, just like their mum would for my DC. And I'm glad to see others on the thread would also help out a young man in his hour of need. Its a shame that some people's default response is to assume he's violent, untrustworthy, on drugs and not deserving of a bit of support for a couple of nights. I'd cook him dinner, make up the spare bed and make him feel welcome.

"Random" doesn't mean what you seem to think it means. As others have said, just because you haven't met him before doesn't mean that he's a random boy.

Your DH sounds a very kind and caring man and his professional experience will help him to relate to this poor young man and to find ways to try and help him. Your dsd is clearly worried about her brother.

You are coming across as very uncaring. I think you should let him stay, for a few days at least.

THIS.

Sounds messed up as this boy is on his 3rd father and he’s only 19.

I understand your concern given the circumstances, but this isn't a random person. It's someone your husband and step daughter know and care about. I think your husband sounds very kind and I think I would want to help him too.

If your husband is a teacher at a secondary school he must know how to contact agencies that help vulnerable/homeless teens (if he doesn't personally there should be someone at the school who does).
I personally would let him stay at least the weekend and your husband can direct him to who can help him.
Ground rules -
He doesn't open the front door to anyone or let anyone in the house.
No drugs/smoking/vaping/drinks in the house.