To be at the end of my tether with this situation?!

[AutumnGirl21]

I have been with my girlfriend for just over a year, and obviously the more time we have spent together/sleeping over, I have noticed issues with her sleeping and I am just at the end of my tether with it all.

Firstly, she has to have background noise on to fall asleep. This is often the TV. I am the complete opposite, and I’m finding that even if I get into bed and I’m tired, the brightness/sound of the TV is then making me feel wide awake again.

Secondly, she suffers from bad dreams at times. Not her fault, but it’s how she handles it. Rather than getting up and sorting herself out/calming herself down, she will sit there and cry/sniffle until I basically wake up and ask her what’s wrong or comfort her. Then I’m usually wide awake and unable to go back to sleep. The same happens if she’s not feeling well.

I have currently been awake since 5am because I could hear her crying. Asked her what’s wrong and she said she had a bad headache. I asked her if she had gotten up and taken anything for it to try and help. Her response - no it would have been too noisy - but sitting there crying until I wake up isn’t? Magically, now that I am awake, it’s all stopped and she’s quiet again.

I have just gotten to the point where I think it’s fucking selfish on her part. If I have a bad dream (PTSD) or I don’t feel well, I get up and go into another room so I don’t wake or disturb anyone.

AIBU for feeling this way and giving her an ultimatum of she either doesn’t stay over anymore or if she does, she sleeps in another room and isn’t to disturb me anymore?

I feel like I spend the whole time she’s not here, getting into a really good sleeping pattern, and then the minute she stays here again - it’s all down the pan and it’s really affecting my energy levels.

Harder work than a three year old.
How old are you both?

The tv needs to go off. Does she let it play all night? We have just got a sleep aid for our DC, it's called a Morphee and it will read you a lovely relaxing meditation style story As you fall asleep, then switch off.
If the tv is on while she's asleep I'm not surprised she's having bad dreams, but honestly her systems are childlike so you need a child style solution.
Get the sleep aid.

Edited out because of double post

In our 30’s and pretty much all night, otherwise I have to put up with her tossing and turning all night which then keeps me up anyway. I have suggested things to help - like you can get eye masks that have speakers in so she could listen to something off her phone - but she never does anything about it, which is making me feel quite resentful and making me feel like I need to take control and give her the ultimatum - I feel like it’s passed the point of trying to help her and be sympathetic towards her now 🤷‍♀️

Separate bedrooms.

Separate rooms

Unfortunately I don’t have a second bedroom, so it will be the sofa in the living room for her - good thing it’s very big and comfortable!

You aren’t compatible, just end it and be free to find someone you sleep peacefully with.

Nah I couldn’t cope with this.

I’m not a heartless bitch, people have issues and if a partner of my mine was struggling I would of course support them - but you have to draw a line when it’s at a detriment to yourself AND they are doing fuck all to help themselves.

Crying because of a headache?! I would be livid. Get up like an adult and take some paracetamol.

Acting like a baby is deeply unattractive, as is being able to act like a grown up and deal with the matter at hand.

Equally, she’s selfish. Because she clearly doesn’t give a shit about your comfort.

Leave . It’s not going to improve. What is she like in her everyday life? Career? Children? Driven?

The thing that’s bugging me the most is I’m like 95% sure it’s for attention. Because when she has a bad dream or doesn’t feel well, she will cry loudly until I wake up and then once I’m awake, she’s magically fine again? She has also mentioned that previous partners have had issues with her sleeping and it’s making me wonder if it’s a bit of a toxic trait of hers 🤷‍♀️

I think you have hit the nail on the head with this post!

No children, she doesn’t like her job and complains about it constantly but doesn’t seem to do anything about it. I used to think of her being a really independent person who had their shit together but the more time has gone on, there has been things that have made me feel a bit differently

It sounds like you’re dating a small child. Is she this needy and immature during the day too?

Honestly, this just isn’t going to work. She sounds needy and hard work, and if she’s not willing to try and find an alternative resolution early on in the relationship then she’s not going to give two shits further down the line.

Personally you need to set very firm boundaries now, and if she’s not willing to even try to do something different then drop this relationship, because I’m sure some of these behaviours exist in her daytime life too, don’t they?

This was my first thought when reading your post.

I think even if you resolved the sleeping issues her behaviour is indicative of her personality all round…… more issues will surface with your little princess over time.

throw this one back 🐟

Yeah the behaviours I guess now thinking about it, are there in the daytime too. For example, we could spend 2-3 days together, the minute she’s leaves all she goes on about is how much she misses me, how much she struggles to be away from me, whereas I quite like having that time on my own and breathing space. So there’s that needy aspect.

I couldn’t cope with this behaviour, in my opinion she’s attention seeking- who cries regularly because they are unwell in their 30’s?

Personally this would be a huge red flag for me and I would end the relationship. In all honesty if you’re talking separate rooms before you have even moved in together I would be massively doubting the relationships longevity anyway.

Id throw this one back and get a sound nights sleep!

She's not only selfish and.childish but I'd also say she's borderline abusive, as she's doing this on purpose to ensure you're awake and giving her attention.

Ditch her, fast.

I would sit her down and have a serious conversation about this. This isn’t fair on you or her as you sound like you are fed up which can’t be good for your relationship.

Have you stayed over at hers? Does she follow this routine at home too? Or just when she’s not in her home environment?

This is quite selfish on her part and if staying over is making her anxious then she either stops staying over or sleeps in another room. Can she not listen to something on her AirPods that can help her relax before going to sleep?

I’d end it. She is acting like a small child, who needs that in their life?

You can end a relationship for ANY reason you want.

I would 💯 end this one.

I would never have the patience for her!

Another vote for ending it. This situation is not going to get better. She wants the attention and seems too childish to want to fix these issues.

YANBU. She sounds selfish, needy and controlling. You need less drama in your life. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture.

This sounds tortuous and incredibly unattractive. I feel annoyed on your behalf! What does she actually bring to the relationship? It sounds like you’re now experiencing the kind of shit you’ll have to tolerate long term.