To be at the end of my tether with this situation?!

[AutumnGirl21]

I have been with my girlfriend for just over a year, and obviously the more time we have spent together/sleeping over, I have noticed issues with her sleeping and I am just at the end of my tether with it all.

Firstly, she has to have background noise on to fall asleep. This is often the TV. I am the complete opposite, and I’m finding that even if I get into bed and I’m tired, the brightness/sound of the TV is then making me feel wide awake again.

Secondly, she suffers from bad dreams at times. Not her fault, but it’s how she handles it. Rather than getting up and sorting herself out/calming herself down, she will sit there and cry/sniffle until I basically wake up and ask her what’s wrong or comfort her. Then I’m usually wide awake and unable to go back to sleep. The same happens if she’s not feeling well.

I have currently been awake since 5am because I could hear her crying. Asked her what’s wrong and she said she had a bad headache. I asked her if she had gotten up and taken anything for it to try and help. Her response - no it would have been too noisy - but sitting there crying until I wake up isn’t? Magically, now that I am awake, it’s all stopped and she’s quiet again.

I have just gotten to the point where I think it’s fucking selfish on her part. If I have a bad dream (PTSD) or I don’t feel well, I get up and go into another room so I don’t wake or disturb anyone.

AIBU for feeling this way and giving her an ultimatum of she either doesn’t stay over anymore or if she does, she sleeps in another room and isn’t to disturb me anymore?

I feel like I spend the whole time she’s not here, getting into a really good sleeping pattern, and then the minute she stays here again - it’s all down the pan and it’s really affecting my energy levels.

@AutumnGirl21 - I think you can read the writing on the wall about this relationship- but can’t quite come to terms with what it says.
It is very unlikely to improve- the attention seeking and immature behaviour (plus sleep deprivation) will grate on you more and more and the relationship won’t survive. Best call it a day now. Sorry if this seems brutal- but I think you know this already deep down.

She's just manipulating you OP.

I guarantee 💯 that before you met she wasn't sitting up and crying all night long.

Leave ASAP!

This will just morph from one attention seeking fishing expedition to another.

Wait for the whole "I don't like it when you abandon me we we're out with friends".

I couldn’t be doing with that. I need my sleep.

However I imagine something bad happened, like she was raped by a burglar or something, which has really messed her up. Hence she has difficulties dropping off to sleep, especially in a different house I’d imagine, and nightmares.

She needs a lot of counselling and possibly medication. Nobody deserves to suffer. Neither of you. She needs to be proactive and get off her arse and seek help. The fact she hasn’t means it’s either too hard or she duesnt think it’s a problem. It is.

Id suggest you get to the bottom of it and if it was a bad experience you need to either dump her or support her in this journey. If the latter, Explain how exhausted you are and that seiarate sleeping arrangements will be required.

I think I’d prob dump and move on if you don’t have the energy to commit to this.

I am not exaggerating when I say, please end this relationship. Stay and you can be sure she will ruin your life. Could you even imagine having children with this woman? The pregnancy, and the dramas you would have to endure on a daily basis. Family life can be challenging enough with two stable parents, but it would be utter chaos with her.
She is showing you what she is, please end it today.

Just dump her and be done with it. It all sounds ridiculous. You will find someone far more compatible than her.

Could you imagine putting up with all of this for the next 50 years? If not then it’s time to live on. It will never work.

OP I literally just wrote something similar on another thread but….
Dating is about working out whether you are compatible. Whether the other person is a fully functional adult or not. Whether they are going to expect you to be a parent to them or a partner.

Are they fully independent, look after themselves, cook, clean, work hard and share your objectives.

Honestly, this one sounds like a child, this is no basis for a good adult relationship.

This. It's obviously annoying you and nothing will change.

Her behaving like a child forces you into a parental role and that’s going to kill the passion stone dead. I’d end it if I were you.

I think long-term it probably won’t survive if I’m being completely honest because it will either turn into housemates situation if we had two separate bedrooms this early on in a relationship, she will never be able to stay over in which case how will a relationship ever progress or it will cause too much resentment and friction which will breakdown the relationship anyway.

She does have traumatic experiences causing the bad dreams (not as extreme as PP has put) but the fact that it’s caused issues in her previous relationships (her ex made her sleep on the sofa because of it but she’s always villainised her ex for doing so) and the fact she’s not gotten any help to change that, screams selfishness to me and that she only cares how she sleeps and no-one else. I also have traumatic experiences but I’ve put myself through years of therapy to help myself rather than being detrimental to anyone else.

She had the audacity to come in the front room and ask if I was annoyed with her this morning and I’ve let her have it and she’s left the house.

You don't seem to like her anymore, let alone love her. You have found that the things you initially were attracted by are a mirage. Just split up. It won't change and I suspect she's not up for sleeping on a sofa.

I think I’d be issuing the ultimatum or just ending it.

I have to have background noise but I use my earphones and turn my phone screen off. It’s not fair to keep your sleeping partner awake. She’s not being considerate of you at all. Same with the headache, bad dreams etc.

I started having nocturnal panic attacks, which woke me up, and I’d never experienced that before. I woke my husband the first time because I was genuinely worried there might be something wrong (I’ve had panic attacks loads but not one that actually woke me from sleep) and he helped comfort me and calm me down. Once that first one was out of the way and I knew what they were, I just sort myself out now.

Sleep deprivation is awful and you don’t deserve that.

Read your update. You're both wasting each other's time at this stage. Just rip off the band aid so you can move on.

My problem is that it sounds deeply manipulative which makes her abusive.

I got the proper ick from your post and that alarm bell for emotional manipulation went off.

Free yourself now before she does you more harm.

Get rid and give her some useful advise if she wants her next relationship to survive

She sounds incredibly irritating.

Separate rooms is the answer to this. It works for me and I have been married 20 years.

🚩🚩🚩 all for attention and acting like a child. Run op!

I can't sleep in the same room as my DH, due to noise, restlessness, adhd sleep issues. I did indeed sleep on the sofa bed in the early days...

But I'm not needy and he does his best not to disturb me at night.

Sleep deprivation is a method of torture.

Yes, of course it's for attention. She sounds quite manipulative and childish.

You should sit down and have a talk with her about it all. If she really can't stop it then she might want to seek some professional help. But neither of you can keep going like this.

I'm a poor sleeper but wear ear plugs and sleep headphones if I need background noise.

If I really can't sleep I get up and go to another room (or go out if it is morning). It's not fair to push sleep issues on to your partner.

Tbh i'd separate

I need background noise on to sleep. Usually the tv or at best, the radio. Cannot sleep in silence, the tinnitus would drive me mad!

Laying there crying and sniffing made me laugh though 😅. She has some stuff to deal with, and needs to do so alone

Have you posted about her before? The sleep thing is very familiar
just end it, and don't feel guilty

Be honest. Tell her that her attitude is driving you apart. If she really cared for you, she wouldn't want you to suffer unnecessarily too, when she has a problem.

If she needs noise to get to sleep, she should wear headphones. Insisting on having the TV on is just selfish. If she has a bad dream or a headache, she needs to sort herself out. I suppose I can understand wanting comfort after a nightmare, but it’s not as if you can do anything to cure her headache.

She might be insulted but I can’t see what you have to lose. Is there really any future in this relationship as things stand? Even moving into separate bedrooms won’t change her selfish attitude to life, which I expect is also evident in other areas.

You have more patience than I would have had.
Too needy and selfish

My friend's.girlfriend always needed the tv on to sleep and he just looked permanently exhausted over time. If she needs the white noise element, she can get a fan or white noise machine which is less likely to keep others awake!

But it sounds like this is attention seeking behaviour. If she comes back from her strop, just say firmly to her that the nighttime dramatics need to stop, and she needs counselling to address the underlying issue. Otherwise you'll be sleeping separately from now on which will kill the relationship anyway.