To be at the end of my tether with this situation?!

[AutumnGirl21]

I have been with my girlfriend for just over a year, and obviously the more time we have spent together/sleeping over, I have noticed issues with her sleeping and I am just at the end of my tether with it all.

Firstly, she has to have background noise on to fall asleep. This is often the TV. I am the complete opposite, and I’m finding that even if I get into bed and I’m tired, the brightness/sound of the TV is then making me feel wide awake again.

Secondly, she suffers from bad dreams at times. Not her fault, but it’s how she handles it. Rather than getting up and sorting herself out/calming herself down, she will sit there and cry/sniffle until I basically wake up and ask her what’s wrong or comfort her. Then I’m usually wide awake and unable to go back to sleep. The same happens if she’s not feeling well.

I have currently been awake since 5am because I could hear her crying. Asked her what’s wrong and she said she had a bad headache. I asked her if she had gotten up and taken anything for it to try and help. Her response - no it would have been too noisy - but sitting there crying until I wake up isn’t? Magically, now that I am awake, it’s all stopped and she’s quiet again.

I have just gotten to the point where I think it’s fucking selfish on her part. If I have a bad dream (PTSD) or I don’t feel well, I get up and go into another room so I don’t wake or disturb anyone.

AIBU for feeling this way and giving her an ultimatum of she either doesn’t stay over anymore or if she does, she sleeps in another room and isn’t to disturb me anymore?

I feel like I spend the whole time she’s not here, getting into a really good sleeping pattern, and then the minute she stays here again - it’s all down the pan and it’s really affecting my energy levels.

Why would you want to continue the relationship with someone who you (understandably) think is attention-seeking at the expense of your comfort?

Crying because she has a headache and not just getting up quietly to deal with it is strange behaviour.

Unfortunately I don’t have a second bedroom, so it will be the sofa in the living room for her ..... good to hear chivalry is not dead!

@FlowersAndFruit at the risk of derailing this thread (🙈) can I please ask how you find the Morphee to help your little one to sleep? Thinking for my 9yr old DD who often struggles to fall asleep (she has anxiety and can ruminate when the room is in silence). Thanks!

Sounds like you are not compatible. I have trouble sleeping on and off and when I've shared a room with a light sleeper we both irritate the heck out of one another. DH and I are compatible as he is a heavy sleeper and isn't disturbed by my getting up in the night for a wee or having a night light.

There may be some negotiable compromises but she isn't likely to change her sleep style.

She isn't ready for an adult relationship. I would advise ending it.

I think you know this relationship is over...

Have the discussion and I guarantee you will sleep well tonight.

Be brave, good luck.

She wants you to parent her, and needs to get therapy to help her understand herself and change. Not your problem.

Sounds like anxious attachment style. I think the best thing would be for her to invest some time in dealing with her issues (but you don’t have any obligation to stay if it’s not working for you). Sounds miserable.

Just to be a bit more specific, it’s the thing about missing you as soon as she leaves that makes me think about anxious attachment.

The “crying loudly” thing has cemented it for me as attention seeking… it’s something I’ve been really noticing in children as they grow up into adulthood. I have a 7 and a 11 year old. When the 7 year old is told to do something they don’t like they wail about it (more akin to a baby crying with the “waaaah waaaah waaah” noise), but if my older one gets upset she’ll cry, but there are no dramatic accompanying sound effects. It’s something I’ve really been thinking about since I noticed it, and wondering to myself what age do we stop crying like a baby (with the sound effects) and start crying like a grown up (with tears but minus all the noise). The fact she does the loud noisy crying tells me it’s much more about the performance than about her really being upset. I couldn’t deal with it personally, you’re her partner not her parent. Maybe time to gently let her go and suggest some therapy might help?

@Mischance do we know that OP is a man?

She lies in someone else's bed sobbing and weeping until the other person wakes up? And needs the telly on all night to sleep?

She's relegated to the couch or spare room I'm afraid. In her house I guess you may need to be the couch dweller. But tell her you cannot sleep in the bed with her anymore.

How do you know the OP is male? That’s quite an assumption. Plus why should the unproblematic person have to be put out in their own home? Your assertion is bizarre.

OP I think you’ve had some really good advice here. My former partner had serious PTSD from his participation in Afghanistan and it particularly manifested at night - dreaming of helicopters crashing down etc.

Not only did he have therapy he was massively apologetic if he woke me because of profuse sweating or shouting out in his sleep.

Crying because of a headache (and deliberately until someone else wakes up) is ridiculous and someone who cared about you would take themselves into another room to minimise the disruption to your sleep pattern. This is a level up from
neediness - it’s selfish and self-centered.

I couldn't be doing with all the dramatic crying and attention seeking. There is no part of me that would stay in this relationship. It would be an easy LTB for me.

The fact she is fine when you wake up shows she is motivated by attention. For me, this would be a major red flag.

I would bet money that when she’s at home and sleeping in bed on her own that if she wakes up she does not lie there crying, getting louder and louder. She’s doing it do wake you so you comfort her but it’s not reasonable to be waking you in the middle of the night. I couldn’t be arsed with it, I don’t see how it will last.

A relationship can progress without staying over. But that is by the by. It sounds like she could do with some therapy, she does sound very needy.
The tv being on though, my wife is the same, I’ve got used to it over 20 years!

Childish attention seeking controlling and borderline abusive
Get rid

Aside from the fact that AutumnGirl is probably a woman, why on earth would she - or anyone - give up their bed to indulge a pathetic, attention-seeking partner?

I don't think chivalry is exclusively a male thing though it had its origins in knightly and courtly love.

Consciously or unconsciously, she wants you to mother her. If that's not a role you want to play, it's best to end it.

Yes, she is selfish, and not good at problem solving.
She is a grown woman who will never learn to sleep soundly if the TV is on. Blue light disturbs sleep; it activates the brain.
Remove the TV from the bedroom.
Suggest that she wears headphones and listens to radio or music.
Set up a soft light that she can switch on briefly when she gets a head ache, to drop two soluble Panadol into a glass of water. She needs to prepare like an adult. Does she need to see a Dr and sort out chronic pain?
You might never be compatible.

Out of interest, does she have a mother?

My dc have always had a music and stars thing, a polar bear toy by vtech but MIL just sent us the morphee. It's quite meditational in places and the woman reading the stories is quite intense - the stories are read in the second person present tense, but the DC love it. It also has a music mode which is very pretty. I wish it were the french version as maybe that would be more my cup of tea but I think MIL was trying to save on postage by ordering it from a local supplier!

I do recommend it overall, it's easy to use, and my DC take it on car trips too just as a screen free form of entertainment.

Do you think it’s a bit of attention seeking? I can’t imagine lying there crying, if my headache was really really that bad that it made me cry I would get up and go downstairs and take tablets. Sit in the living room with a blanket.
My partener needs complete silence to sleep, so I watch things on my phone with headphones. It’s a compromise.