To be at the end of my tether with this situation?!

[AutumnGirl21]

I have been with my girlfriend for just over a year, and obviously the more time we have spent together/sleeping over, I have noticed issues with her sleeping and I am just at the end of my tether with it all.

Firstly, she has to have background noise on to fall asleep. This is often the TV. I am the complete opposite, and I’m finding that even if I get into bed and I’m tired, the brightness/sound of the TV is then making me feel wide awake again.

Secondly, she suffers from bad dreams at times. Not her fault, but it’s how she handles it. Rather than getting up and sorting herself out/calming herself down, she will sit there and cry/sniffle until I basically wake up and ask her what’s wrong or comfort her. Then I’m usually wide awake and unable to go back to sleep. The same happens if she’s not feeling well.

I have currently been awake since 5am because I could hear her crying. Asked her what’s wrong and she said she had a bad headache. I asked her if she had gotten up and taken anything for it to try and help. Her response - no it would have been too noisy - but sitting there crying until I wake up isn’t? Magically, now that I am awake, it’s all stopped and she’s quiet again.

I have just gotten to the point where I think it’s fucking selfish on her part. If I have a bad dream (PTSD) or I don’t feel well, I get up and go into another room so I don’t wake or disturb anyone.

AIBU for feeling this way and giving her an ultimatum of she either doesn’t stay over anymore or if she does, she sleeps in another room and isn’t to disturb me anymore?

I feel like I spend the whole time she’s not here, getting into a really good sleeping pattern, and then the minute she stays here again - it’s all down the pan and it’s really affecting my energy levels.

I would have no patience for that behaviour and I think you've done well to stick it out this long.
I don't think you've been harsh or cruel at all, running out of patience and laying down the home truths are totally understandable.

It does sound selfish and attention-seeking on her part. If I frequently woke up crying and needed the tv to sleep I would volunteer to sleep on the sofa.

Separate homes. She sounds like she won't help herself. A cool quiet environment for sleeping is the most basic requirement.

Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for good reason @AutumnGirl21

Honestly she can train herself to fall asleep without the TV, and actually the TV might not be helping her nightmares. I still get night terrors as a mid 30s adult and usually when I've watched TV alte or looked at my phone too much before sleep. When you're sharing a bed consideration is needed and having the TV on with sound too let alone flickering lights would drive most mad. It's not even something as rhythmic or steady as white noise or ambient sounds, I can see why some fall asleep to that.

Her waking you with sniffling and crying is just indulgence on her part and again shows she's not working to solve what is a problem. Why is she crying over a nightmare once she's woken up? Usually you come to and are relieved to be awake. She needs to "put herself back to bed" like one would a toddler tbh, drink of water, lie down and think calm thoughts, breath in and out and go to bloody sleep 😅

I once cried when I had norovirus and it kept me awake all night but I certainly didn't want any attention! I only have my adult son with ASD living with me and I felt awful when he said he'd heard me, but I was just feeling sorry for myself. I actually don't like people being around me when I'm ill, I just like to be left alone. I also need a noise to help me sleep but if the fan isn't on I'll play a video on my tablet with the volume turned down low. Again, I don't have a partner so it doesn't affect anyone. Because I am the opposite of an attention seeker they wind me up. Get rid.

Denying someone sleep is an actual torture method it’s that bad. Any good and genuine person would see how bad it is and make changes to stop.
she’s doing it on purpose

JoyfulLife

"Untrained judgemental strangers"!! What a ridiculous comment.

This group is not for trained counsellors it for MUMs, many of whom like me, are older and have significant work and life experience. Mine happens to include counselling training and research.

OP you seem to have reached a good conclusion. Your GF behaviour seems attention seeking but possibly looking for someone to 'save' her and I hope she will seek the help she clearly needs. Good luck to you.

It doesn't sound like she handles herself well as she is always telling the OP how she doesn't manage when she is alone.

@AutumnGirl21 You have done the right thing. Neediness can be pernicious and you don't realise how bad it is until something like this causes you to have a moment of clarity. I would throw this one back too.

Get her some Soundcore ear buds so she can listen to relaxing music all night without having to have noise & lights disturbing you. I have them to block out my husband's snoring & they are very comfortable & great. It does sound as though there's some attention seeking going on as well so this may not solve the whole problem but it might be a start.

Your relationship may now be over but if she does come back and ask for another go, think carefully. Where is the good in this relationship? Maybe make a list together so that you can both be sure that this is a relationship worth working on.

The next list: What isn't working and how can we solve this?

She needs to know that sleep is important for your wellbeing and that your health and wellbeing should not be subservient to her needs as that is abusive.

Solutions:
If she is having a headache or feeling otherwise unwell, it will be far less disturbing to your sleep if she quietly gets up and takes some paracetamol or goes into another room to read a book until she is ready to creep quietly back into bed to sleep.

Of it is PTSD type of nightmare, she can quietly get up, go into the lounge or kitchen and write her diary or call Samaritans to talk it through. Point out that, unlike yourself, these are trained counsellors who have volunteered to be awake for a shift at night to provide this service and have arranged their lives so that they are getting enough sleep at other times. You are happy to talk it through with her but only after you have had a good night's sleep.

If she needs to listen to something to get to sleep in your bed then it needs to be through ear buds or headphones so that it doesn't keep you awake. If it has to be a screen, then she will have to be in the lounge or go home.

If you ever get to the point where you are thinking of cohabiting, then you will both need to cover the extra cost of a second bedroom or at the least a daybed in the lounge so no lie-ins beyond your wake-up time or mess left around in the day. She could climb into your bed daytime if she was genuinely unwell (flu, covid etc).

Make it clear that this is what you are asking from her going forward and that it is a condition of your continuing your relationship.

If she genuinely cares to be with you and wants to progress in your relationship, she will agree. If not, then you are finished. Hold firm.

Good luck, OP.

@AutumnGirl21 wonded no more. It is.

It's definitely childlike behaviour on her part. Either manipulative attention seeking or just that lack of awareness of others that children grown out of.

Last year I was on a school residential trip and a Year 8 girl came to my door with her friend at about midnight because she couldn't sleep. She had woken her friend up to tell her that and they'd then both come to me. She was a bit tearful because she was tired but there was nothing wrong with her that she needed to talk about, she just hadn't been able to fall asleep. After a couple of minutes, I could see the realisation dawning on her face. She looked embarrassed and said 'um, I think I should go back to bed and lie down and try again.' I asked her the next morning if she'd got to sleep and she said it had taken a while longer but yes, she had in the end. She was 13, not 30 and was able to learn and alter her behaviour herself.

For an adult to be unable to do that is either deliberately selfish or in need of professional help.

@DrBlackbird So sick of everyone diagnosing people on the internet with neurodivergence!!!!! You are the most infuriating type of internet user. And quite frankly doing the neurodivergent community a disservice. Bore off

Separate lives

You know when you have a toddler who is crying loudly, then they have a little peep to see if you are looking and if you are, they keep crying loudly and if you aren't, they cry a little more loudly to make you look?

Toddlers who aren't really hurt but actually just want you to pay them attention/give them a cuddle/say 'oh you poor thing....'
Yeah, that.

Think a split is absolutely inevitable. You sound a bit like me...and this behaviour she is determined to exhibit wouldn't wash with me either. There will be rows, many rows...there will be tears, accusations and manipulation and you'd end up exhausted and resentful.
She won't change.

Also, a year is long enough to listen to the 'ugh no' in your gut...but not so long as you've wasted a life stage on the relationship.

I think you’ve decided this relationship isn’t for you @AutumnGirl21 and I really think you’re right. She sounds like way too much hard work, everything’s someone else’s fault yet the constant factor here is her. Good luck OP.

I’m a sleep walker and talker when stressed and always feel really bad if I’ve been active in the night because it does ruin DH sleep when I do it (thankfully not every night!)
it sounds like she doesn’t really care if she’s impacting you or not which is never a good sign.
When I’m over thinking and feel myself getting worked up I tend to stay downstairs with the tv on and duvet so the only person I’m affecting is myself.
It doesn’t sound as you say that this is going to work long term, no one minds being woken up if necessary, I remember my DH waking me because he couldn’t open his eyes, they had stuck shut due to a bad case of conjunctivitis. He was so apologetic but it must have been pretty scary, I went and got the eye wash etc and made sure he was comfortable and then he went downstairs because he knew he wouldn’t get back to sleep after that.
It’s showing consideration for the people that you are meant to care for, which is pretty much a basic requirement in a relationship.
Getting woken up by a grown adult sniffling because they have a headache but haven’t done anything about it continuously would make me annoyed too.

I hate how every negative trait in now labelled ASD> I see nothing in OPs posts to suggest they have ASD, nor their girlfriend. And OP says not too.

Girlfriend has some trauma (as does OP) and has taken no steps at all to help themselves to address the trauma, just expects everyone to bend to her way of doing things and give her attention for it. That is not sustainable longterm, and its no excuse for fucking around and mistreating other people. Yes, trauma often comes with a whole heap of rejection sensitivity, but again, its not up to OP to accommodate that and pander to it to the extend that it affects them this badly.

OP says that they have reached the end - boundaries have been pushed and a line in the sand has now been drawn, its going to be up to the girlfriend as to how she reacts to that.

As an aside I DO have ASD and to say we are unflinching and stuck in our ways, and incapable of undertanding other peoples perspective is frankly insulting. I have recently had to deal with an emotionally similar situation with a longterm friend and I just had to completely change the way I would normally have dealt with it, as I was so used to understanding their perspective that I realised I was being manipulated and upset by it. And thankfully by changing my respense, it seems to have redrawn some proper boundaries. So not everyone with ASD is incapable of empathy, or changing their own behaviour.

It sounds as if OP has done the right thing. Only time will tell whether the gf wants to continue to play victim, or whether she thinks this is worth making the , understandbly, difficult process of dealing with her trauma and behaviour resultant from it.

She’s not a grown up yet.
She needs about 5 years of weekly therapy, but my guess she doesn’t think she has any problems and it’s.. your fault ?

Aw op, nearly a year? Id have been done with that in a week 😂 she sounds like an attention seeker. Like how dare you sleep when she needs attention. It's pathetic behaviour let's be honest. Sounds like you have a child not a partner. Do you want to live like this forever? I would suggest different rooms/beds but I feel like she wouldn't go for that anyway, how would she possibly get your attention from the other room! Id honestly call it quits.it would make me despise them!

This would make me end it. Haven't got time for it. I have chronic pain, CPTSD and other stuff and I would never do this to a partner. I know how much I value sleep myself so I don't need to ruin someone else's sleep if I'm having a bad night.

The problem for me would be that this type of selfish and dependent behaviour doesn't usually only relate to this one issue... it is likely that it spills over into other areas of life. I wouldn't want to risk that.

This SCREAMS attention seeking! Of course it’s that! Nobody would honestly sit there fucking sobbing loud enough to wake their partner but NOT take a fucking paracetamol because it will disturb.

bin her. This seriously won’t ever get any better.

well it certainly won’t while she thinks she can get away with this performance without consequences

stop sleepovers, end it.

shes irritating the fuck out of ME 😆

my oh had a habit of disturbing me with his loud sneezing fits which if I get, I take myself to the bathroom. Him? No, lies next to me sneezing at full volume. Gives me the rage and I had a go at him for his inconsiderate behaviour literally the other day. I think the message is sinking in.

I suspect this is almost entirely attention seeking behaviour. Seems there are a myriad of reasons for her to wake you up… its not adding up.

me and my wife have different sleep needs. I use a sleep app (better sleep) with a Bluetooth eye mask. Because it’s totally unreasonable to expect her to listen to my bizzare nature sounds and meditations as I’m falling asleep if she doesn’t want to (she doesn’t!) . She reads to sleep with a kindle rather than a book, Because if I’m not using my eye mask then I don’t want a reading light on. This is all basic courtesy when sharing a bed.

if I can’t sleep for whatever reason I try to be as quiet as I can , leave the room for herbal tea/pain meds/stretch etc then come back to bed as quietly as I can when I think I can sleep again. I would be kicking myself if I woke her , because I care about her and want her to be well rested regardless of my own sleep struggles.

it’s appalling behaviour to purposely wake you up . Abusive partners do this, as a form of control via sleep deprivation. Not saying she is abusing you per day… just saying this behaviour is manipulative, controlled and without a doubt purposeful!

I could not deal with that, so selfish