To be at the end of my tether with this situation?!

[AutumnGirl21]

I have been with my girlfriend for just over a year, and obviously the more time we have spent together/sleeping over, I have noticed issues with her sleeping and I am just at the end of my tether with it all.

Firstly, she has to have background noise on to fall asleep. This is often the TV. I am the complete opposite, and I’m finding that even if I get into bed and I’m tired, the brightness/sound of the TV is then making me feel wide awake again.

Secondly, she suffers from bad dreams at times. Not her fault, but it’s how she handles it. Rather than getting up and sorting herself out/calming herself down, she will sit there and cry/sniffle until I basically wake up and ask her what’s wrong or comfort her. Then I’m usually wide awake and unable to go back to sleep. The same happens if she’s not feeling well.

I have currently been awake since 5am because I could hear her crying. Asked her what’s wrong and she said she had a bad headache. I asked her if she had gotten up and taken anything for it to try and help. Her response - no it would have been too noisy - but sitting there crying until I wake up isn’t? Magically, now that I am awake, it’s all stopped and she’s quiet again.

I have just gotten to the point where I think it’s fucking selfish on her part. If I have a bad dream (PTSD) or I don’t feel well, I get up and go into another room so I don’t wake or disturb anyone.

AIBU for feeling this way and giving her an ultimatum of she either doesn’t stay over anymore or if she does, she sleeps in another room and isn’t to disturb me anymore?

I feel like I spend the whole time she’s not here, getting into a really good sleeping pattern, and then the minute she stays here again - it’s all down the pan and it’s really affecting my energy levels.

Fxxking with your sleep is textbook abusive behaviour.
An enormous red flag in my view.

To be honest I’m younger than you both so I’m not sure if I’m coming from a place of naivety or inexperience but I just couldn’t be bothered with this sort of relationship

there’s millions of people in the world but you’re with someone who is constantly disturbing your sleep and isn’t willing to do anything to change it? You suspect they’re performatively upset and are doing it for attention?

personally I wouldn’t want someone like that in my life, let alone my bed. Unless you’re absolutely desperate and genuinely feel you will be single for life- I’d leave this relationship. It’s not just about the sleep issue, it’s how she reacts to you trying to discuss it.

I agree it sounds as though your g/f is either needing some professional help (past trauma? / bad childhood?) or is like my exH (perfectly fine by himself, regressed to toddlerhood when around me, sadly just after we had kids)

It's unlikely to improve by itself as she will probably sense your irritation & cling harder & you will probably feel more irritated by that. I'd suggest some help to her & she how she responds. Some people will try changes, some won't.

Wear earplugs so you can sleep through the sniffing and weeping. See if she ramps up the volume to try and beat the earplugs.

She sounds quite hard work, I agree. Unless it is a migraine, headaches can be helped with paracetamol and sleep.

I agree with others that perhaps there's an element of neediness and anxiety. I recognise this in myself, and quite often if I am feeling ill and more vulnerable, I'm more likely to lean on my DH for reassurance. But of course, if it's the middle of the night, i will wait until morning unless it's very urgent or an emergency. It isnt fair to wake someone up

Definitely see if she can get some help for her anxiety. Is she able to get therapy or medication?

I sleep with an eyemask with speakers and listen to podcasts and audiobooks. I love it, especially the total darkness from the mask. I don't understand why she won't try it - or anything you have suggested.

It does seem like extremely needy and childish behaviour, almost as if she becomes completely dependent on you, or wants you to be like her mother.

It really can't be easy for you as she is utterly inconsiderate of how her behaviour affects you.

I'm sorry she's like that and I hope you can find someone you deserve.

This

You can end a relationship for ANY reason you want.

Yup!

Honestly Op if you think that she's doing it for attention that's game over really isn't it?

Personally, I think the sleep thing is a bit of a red herring. The real issue is that she needs your attention to be on her at all times, EVEN IF YOU ARE ASLEEP.

So she might well have issues with sleep. But as a result, she is awake in the night and she doesn't like to be awake without your attention. So she wakes up you.

This is also why she's whining and crying about missing you when you're apart - even if you are somewhere else, your attention is therefore on her and reassuring her tat you care, miss her too etc.

I bet she doesn't like you going out with friends, or choosing activities that exclude her - a trip to the gym, walking your dog, visiting family.

Turnin git on you when you get upset/frustrated/angry is also pretty classic. eg you snap after the 17th message you receive while having a drink with friends. She then sulks and cries because you were so "mean" to her.

I have actually assumed that you are a woman but it doesn't matter EXCEPT that I think that women tend to be the victims of this type of covert narcissistic behaviour more often than men. Huge generalisation, obviously, and certainly not true in all cases, but I think it's to do with the way men vs women are socialised. If you are a man or if you are a same sex couple that might consider children, even MORE reason to get out because this sort of behaviour by women of this sort tends to be even more dangerous and detrimental to their children. There is a reason that the tropes of the narcissistic man (with a female partner as victim) and narcissistic mother (with a child of either sex) are so common.

Are you on the wrong thread?

Like your straightforward style op. Too many people on mn twist themselves into pretzels trying to make someone else happy

I think ending things is definitely the sensible option here.
The crying until you wake up seems very attention seeking / manipulative. I think its a test, bizarre as that sounds.
You're supposed to wake up and attend to her.

I’m so embarrassed reading this thread because your gf reminds me of the terrible way I behaved in my first ever relationship. Crying all night, waking him up. Even pinching and bruising him. I feel so awful about it. He had to get up and go to work in a manual job and I would stay in bed and sleep

all I can say in my defence was it was totally about neediness, immaturity, wanting a parent to care for me. I had an unhappy childhood, trauma etc etc But I was totally selfish and self absorbed. I remember not understanding at all why he was upset with me. I was so spiteful. I’m very ashamed.

op I don’t think your gf is going to get the help she needs as this is not her first relationship struggle with same issue. I think you need to be clear that this is not going to work.

Op, she needs therapy. Crying after bad dreams when you’re in your thirties (and until someone wakes up and gives you attention) is not normal.

You might be younger than OP but you are very wise and mature.

I agree with everything you have said.

Life is too short to be with someone like this.

Crying or whining so loudly that it wakes the other person up is attention seeking.

She sounds exhausting and I would rather be single and find someone with less issues.

I think we’re also much more forgiving when it’s a woman.

I always say imagine if this was a man acting this way to you/your friend/sister, would it be acceptable then - if not, then it’s not acceptable the other way around or between same sex couples either.

She sounds needy, selfish and looking for someone to parent her as she doesnt seem to be able to take responsibility for herself. Lack of decent sleep is a killer for a relationship. Let her find that someone (else!)

She’s an absolute baby!

Sounds really needy! Sleep deprivation makes me really cross, even if it's the beloved cats 😄 I'm much less tolerant
If it's a person. I like sounds to go to sleep to, so I use audio books or sleep sounds - but with earbuds! I wouldn't dream of inflicting them in someone else. Tell her to use headphones, and have paracetamol nr bed if headaches are often a problem. Or, in other words, to just be a grown up 🙄

Wow well done👏

avoid! Seriously, @AutumnGirl21 , exit now.

Sleep in different rooms. You aren’t nighttime compatible.

She is needy and a princess.
Bin her

Please split up.

What would you feel if we waved a magic wand and you never saw her again??

Would you miss her /feel sorry/relieved?