To be at the end of my tether with this situation?!

[AutumnGirl21]

I have been with my girlfriend for just over a year, and obviously the more time we have spent together/sleeping over, I have noticed issues with her sleeping and I am just at the end of my tether with it all.

Firstly, she has to have background noise on to fall asleep. This is often the TV. I am the complete opposite, and I’m finding that even if I get into bed and I’m tired, the brightness/sound of the TV is then making me feel wide awake again.

Secondly, she suffers from bad dreams at times. Not her fault, but it’s how she handles it. Rather than getting up and sorting herself out/calming herself down, she will sit there and cry/sniffle until I basically wake up and ask her what’s wrong or comfort her. Then I’m usually wide awake and unable to go back to sleep. The same happens if she’s not feeling well.

I have currently been awake since 5am because I could hear her crying. Asked her what’s wrong and she said she had a bad headache. I asked her if she had gotten up and taken anything for it to try and help. Her response - no it would have been too noisy - but sitting there crying until I wake up isn’t? Magically, now that I am awake, it’s all stopped and she’s quiet again.

I have just gotten to the point where I think it’s fucking selfish on her part. If I have a bad dream (PTSD) or I don’t feel well, I get up and go into another room so I don’t wake or disturb anyone.

AIBU for feeling this way and giving her an ultimatum of she either doesn’t stay over anymore or if she does, she sleeps in another room and isn’t to disturb me anymore?

I feel like I spend the whole time she’s not here, getting into a really good sleeping pattern, and then the minute she stays here again - it’s all down the pan and it’s really affecting my energy levels.

I definitely haven’t got ASD - are we putting that label onto everyone and everything now? I can see other people’s point of view, in this case I’m choosing not to anymore. I am choosing not to anymore because I’ve spent months being sympathetic and trying to help her, and quite frankly I am worn down by my sleep pattern constantly being disturbed - especially when there is that niggling suspicion that she is doing it intentionally for attention. I have already suggested things to help in the past, she hasn’t listened or tried them, everyone has their limits and boundaries and I wasn’t a doormat the last time I checked.

However, you both sound somewhat self referential, she (and you) is likely ASD.

WTF?

In that case I guess everyone in their teens and twenties - plus pretty much everybody else when talking about a situation they're directly involved in - must "be" ASD then. 🙄

She’s a selfish childish drama queen. Get rid of her. Who the hell cries over a headache! Jeez. If you stay with her she will move in, give up her job and expect to be looked after like a little princess diva.

This would absolutely do my head in and i am a supportive understanding person.
There is a limit and if she doesn't help herself then i think its a dealbreaker you can't go on like that.
She needs proper help.

I agree with you. Your girlfriend is needy is needy and selfish, which means that sadly, she isn’t the right person for you to have a relationship with. She has failed to address her sleep issues or to apologise for her behaviour towards you. You have correctly decided that you need undisturbed sleep more than you need this person in your life.

You have been far more patient than I would have been!

Totally agree with others she knows what shes doing, shes being a drama queen and playing the victim and doing it for attention, do not have children with her as she will continue to play these games, shes acting like a child crying till mummy comes and comforts her, lay down strict boundaries ie TV off and if she has a bad dream she gets up quietly and sleeps on sofa, if she wont do this say she either cant stay or sleeps on the sofa, say she is ruining your sleep and it cant continue or the relationship will end, i will say im sure she wont change as shes playing games and being a child and has no intention of being an adult, good luck!

For goodness sake get rid of her.
If you were my son I would be so upset that you cannot see what a drama llama shit show you have on your hands with her.

She is utterly and completely selfish.
Get away from her and do not look back.

NO ONE, man nor woman, is worth messed up sleep.

I like my alexa on quiet to sleep and put it on timer, a nurse in hospital was telling me amazon do sleep masks or head bands and connect to alexa via blue tooth so no one else can hear the music

She does need help but not the kind you can offer Op, she needs a professional to help with her neediness and anxiety. Since she's already lost partners but done nothing to change I don't see how this can work out for either of you.

I’d have had the ick a long time ago…

For goodness sake what bloody drama. I have CPTSD and listen to podcasts to get to sleep. With earphones in. I don't want to keep the neighbours awake with the tv. The walls are very thin. I also wake up unexpectedly with panic attacks. I go downstairs, make a cup of tea and read until I've settled down, its not hard. I'd be pissed off if someone kept waking me up snivelling. How old is she?
I think you two need to talk about this and set some boundaries.

You’re not compatible move on

Omg 🤣🤣🤣🤣

OP you have great boundaries and assertiveness 💪🏼
if everyone could communicate as well as you there would be a lot less miserable relationships around!

I think you did really well with this.

It'll probably mean your relationship is over. BUT hopefully, your telling her this will make her think and will mean she doesn't act quite as selfishly in her next relationship.

Good for you, is is a massive red flag and I would assume a very high maintenance partner in other areas.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her? Is she the girl of your dreams and love of your life? Can you live without her? The answers you give will answer your question. You are young, you have choices, you have the chance to live your best life - seize these gifts with both hands while you can.

Omg this is exactly the sort of pseudo therapy speak trying to twist things round I’d expect from someone as self involved as the OPs (hopefully STBX) girlfriend.

I couldn't be dealing with that level of neediness! And it's controlling behaviour too. As others have said, it's very childlike- as in a three year old. She needs some therapy. Meanwhile she can sleep on the sofa.
I wonder how she handles herself when she's sleeping alone in her own place?

Deliberately disrupting someone's sleep in a pattern like this is abusive. I don't like to jump to 'abuse' and maybe she's not aware that what it is, but that's what it is.

Also getting out of bed to go and take a paracetamol isn't the same thing as sitting sniffling til someone wakes up, whereupon you're magically fine. It's not in the same 'disruptive' ballpark at all.

God, even before your last update I was going to advise you to move on, because she's never going to change this behaviour. But turning it on you is making this an easy ditch.

When I first met my husband, he slept with the radio on and initially attempted to keep the habit going, with me in the bed too. This wasn't going to work for me at all. He started listening to the radio with headphones, and has now weaned himself off that too, but if he'd have kept the radio on - or, even worse, slept with the TV on - I think we'd have to have split up.

You don't sound very compromising or sympathetic OP. Very rigid. And I get it I do. You're shattered and that brings out the worse in you. Or that you really like her? That could just been the sleep deprivation edge I'm getting from your post though.

Do you think she is looking for comfort, you're responses seem really practical and non emotive. Have you a conversation and explained what you do and why when you can't sleep to not disturb her? Have you explained your PTSD and the importance of sleep for your brain? Have you asked her to try and support your sleep as you are hers?

I promise I'm not having a go. She does sound a bit woe is me, I need someone to look after me....I need attention...

But there are two options,

Try and compromise.
Either she goes to another room or you go in a separate room, when she's disturbing you. You setup a telly in the other place so she has that option.
You try and resettle together snuggling comfort. You try earplugs and eye mask. (Or anything else you both agree to try for each other) If there's genuine love there, you'll try right?

Or,

It's too much hassle for a new relationship. You're just not compattable and you've got some big decisions to make. Ultimatums rarely work, and aren't the basis of a good relationship. If you can't handle this stuff when it's new and you're supposed to be loved up, will you ever? Saying don't sleep here isn't a long term solution if you're never going to be able to find something that works. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Fuck that, wanting your attention in the middle of the night like a child. Nah, way too much like hard work for me.