To be at the end of my tether with this situation?!

[AutumnGirl21]

I have been with my girlfriend for just over a year, and obviously the more time we have spent together/sleeping over, I have noticed issues with her sleeping and I am just at the end of my tether with it all.

Firstly, she has to have background noise on to fall asleep. This is often the TV. I am the complete opposite, and I’m finding that even if I get into bed and I’m tired, the brightness/sound of the TV is then making me feel wide awake again.

Secondly, she suffers from bad dreams at times. Not her fault, but it’s how she handles it. Rather than getting up and sorting herself out/calming herself down, she will sit there and cry/sniffle until I basically wake up and ask her what’s wrong or comfort her. Then I’m usually wide awake and unable to go back to sleep. The same happens if she’s not feeling well.

I have currently been awake since 5am because I could hear her crying. Asked her what’s wrong and she said she had a bad headache. I asked her if she had gotten up and taken anything for it to try and help. Her response - no it would have been too noisy - but sitting there crying until I wake up isn’t? Magically, now that I am awake, it’s all stopped and she’s quiet again.

I have just gotten to the point where I think it’s fucking selfish on her part. If I have a bad dream (PTSD) or I don’t feel well, I get up and go into another room so I don’t wake or disturb anyone.

AIBU for feeling this way and giving her an ultimatum of she either doesn’t stay over anymore or if she does, she sleeps in another room and isn’t to disturb me anymore?

I feel like I spend the whole time she’s not here, getting into a really good sleeping pattern, and then the minute she stays here again - it’s all down the pan and it’s really affecting my energy levels.

I couldn't cope with the neediness /immaturity... And deffo not the lack of sleep!

Doesn’t sound like it’s going to work long term
you have a decision to make

Separate bedrooms or split up

Wtf is she crying about all the time, I’m embarrassed for her.

Does she cry a lot during the day too?

There is no future with this woman get out while you can and meet someone who is willing to listen to you and fix issues it sounds draining tbh. No point dragging it out.

Think you need a new girlfriend tbh. Sorry.

If dh woke up crying because of a headache I would call an ambulance, I don’t think it’s particularly normal to feel so unwell that it wakes you up crying so often without there being something seriously wrong.
Get some earplugs and see what she does when you can’t hear the crying

Is OP a man? Nevertheless, the girlfriend is the one keeping her partner awake.

I mean, I did cry about a bad dream I had a couple of months ago because it involved DS and it was horrific. But I went and cried in the living room because I didn't want to wake him up. I have more respect for my one year old than this woman has for her girlfriend.

You don't actually sound like you like her at all, so why don't you break up?

I can't imagine a loving partner not comforting someone after a nightmare tbh. Time for you both to find a better match.

She sounds very needy OP, and it's clearly a recurring issue with her if her ex had the same negative experience.

I'd say end it.

Yeah she's setting you up to make sure your life revolves around her even when you're not physically together.

She struggles to be away from you? Who wants to hear that from a supposed adult partner with whom you do not live?
She will think of it as hopelessly romantic and representative of her 'love' but it's not...it's cloying. Her notion of love is possession. Ugh.

The sleep incompatibility is bad enough, but the rest of it just sounds manipulative. She has a lit if issues, which absolutely do not have to be yours. Time to end this relationship.

I would end it. It sounds like she has ADHD. My daughters sleep pattern is insane too. Has to have sound and light to sleep. Can't follow through on tasks even though she wants to. She has been diagnosed and is getting meds. You cant live like that. If she won't help herself I cant see you have any other option.

Don’t you mean ex girlfriend? Life is too short to live it with someone like this. Free yourself up so you can find the right person for you.

I think sleeping together isn't really an option. The waking you up is the bit that I think is impossible if you're in the same room. The background noise I've solved by having a Snoozeband (headphones in a headband), as I have tinnitus and need noise to block it out but I don't want to bother my BF when I stay at his, so I listen to the radio through that. That would help with that issue, but the other issue sounds like the bigger one.

What does she do when she’s sleeping alone and has a headache? Does she cry then? She should do whatever she would when she’s alone, which is presumably self-comfort.

Thankfully, you don’t live together by the sound of it. Suggest you don’t spend the night with her until you’ve caught up on your sleep. Once you’re less tired, decide if the other aspects of the relationship are worth compromising for.

Needing constant comfort, crying until you wake, or refusing to take simple steps (like painkillers for a headache) may point to underlying anxiety or emotional dependency.
That’s not something you can fix for her — it’s something she may need to reflect on or even get professional help with.

God this would also drive me mad! my DH needs noise so uses ear pods / phone - so doesn’t bother me. If he can’t sleep he goes to the skate room, sane if I’m being noisy in my sleep
your GF sounds high maintenance, needy, clingy and selfish! I’d be inclined to ed to tell her things need to change or you’ll be inclined to finish with her as this can’t go on - good luck!

I'm sorry, but this does sound like it's for attention (which is a whole other issue, but not something you're obligated to indulge). Buy sleep aids and tell her either she uses them, or she can't stay over anymore/needs to sleep on the sofa. She has to compromise (as do we all, in relationships).

I have a toddler and my husband and I often sleep separately (so one of us gets sleep if she's waking in the night). Husband uses in-ear headphones during the night as they're noise-cancelling and I've used loop earplugs in the past, as they're comfortable for sleeping.

If one of us has a bad dream in the night we hold the other's hand - sometimes wakes us up but it's straight back to sleep without disturbance. We keep antacids in the bedside table as my husband has heartburn.

When my daughter sleeps in our room, we listed to rain sounds on our Google home device.

There are ways around it, so if she won't try those then it's time to move on.

Thank you everyone for your help and advice! So, she’s still here because we had some things planned with my family and it would be easier to have her there than air my dirty laundry and explain her absence at the moment. However, since that conversation she has slept on the sofa every night and I’ve not given in and invited her to sleep back in the bedroom. Since sleeping in the bedroom she’s magically been able to sleep without the TV on - I don’t really know what to make of that but it seems like the quickest change to sleeping habits on the planet. She has also been quite sulky and quiet in the mornings, letting me know she’s not happy about the sleeping arrangements but I’m past the point of caring tbh. She has also made comments about how she misses me at night time and been extremely clingy (asking me for cuddles all of the time, which I’ve rejected and said no to).

I think for me though, something has fundamentally changed in how I see her, feel about her and the relationship and long term after our last conversation, and I don’t think it’s for me so once this week is out of the way, there will be serious conversations to be had.

You just need to end it. I actually think most of the replies on this thread are sorely lacking in empathy and ignorant to the realities of developmental trauma. It sounds like she is regressing to a childlike state and needing care during these times at night; it’s a trauma response. It’s not as simple as just ‘wanting attention’.

Anyway her issues aren’t yours to solve OP and it’s very clear from your posts that you’ve had enough of her, so best to end things asap for both your sakes.

OP, she has shown you who she is.
Believe her.

Don't waste your time being talked around.

She isn't an adult. She's an immature burden.

Not someone to share a dog with, much less a child.

There will ALWAYS be some issue, problem and drama with her.

Move on. If you were my son, I would be telling you get out of this asap and don't look back.

She's a nasty little madam, I still think you should get rid.

She’s taking you for a ride!!
You deserve better