To be at the end of my tether with this situation?!

[AutumnGirl21]

I have been with my girlfriend for just over a year, and obviously the more time we have spent together/sleeping over, I have noticed issues with her sleeping and I am just at the end of my tether with it all.

Firstly, she has to have background noise on to fall asleep. This is often the TV. I am the complete opposite, and I’m finding that even if I get into bed and I’m tired, the brightness/sound of the TV is then making me feel wide awake again.

Secondly, she suffers from bad dreams at times. Not her fault, but it’s how she handles it. Rather than getting up and sorting herself out/calming herself down, she will sit there and cry/sniffle until I basically wake up and ask her what’s wrong or comfort her. Then I’m usually wide awake and unable to go back to sleep. The same happens if she’s not feeling well.

I have currently been awake since 5am because I could hear her crying. Asked her what’s wrong and she said she had a bad headache. I asked her if she had gotten up and taken anything for it to try and help. Her response - no it would have been too noisy - but sitting there crying until I wake up isn’t? Magically, now that I am awake, it’s all stopped and she’s quiet again.

I have just gotten to the point where I think it’s fucking selfish on her part. If I have a bad dream (PTSD) or I don’t feel well, I get up and go into another room so I don’t wake or disturb anyone.

AIBU for feeling this way and giving her an ultimatum of she either doesn’t stay over anymore or if she does, she sleeps in another room and isn’t to disturb me anymore?

I feel like I spend the whole time she’s not here, getting into a really good sleeping pattern, and then the minute she stays here again - it’s all down the pan and it’s really affecting my energy levels.

OP I think a lot of others have nailed it. My further point is consider the future. Would she cry because the heating didn’t come on or because the Wi-Fi stopped working etc? And what if you had children - thats hard enough as it is. You can’t rely on her as a partner because her emotional maturity is so poor. What if something really goes wrong?

I know someone that married someone like this and regretted it thinking it would get better and it didn’t.

An adult crying over a headache or bad dream isn’t normal. In fact it’s extremely childlike.

If you truly care for her by all means sit her down and be very very clear - but also know people tend to resort back after they ‘try’ for a while.

Good luck.

My partner uses a sleep band (£15 or so) to play podcasts or audio books to himself as he sleeps. He checks I can’t hear it at all. Thats what a considerate partner does.

Not only is the behaviour childlike, but she's looking to get attention from you OP- that puts you in an parent/carer role. I have kids and dated someone in the past that was like this and it gave me the ick so severely I'm surprised my insides ever unclenched again.

We all need a bit of support and looking after from time to time, but dating someone that was crying loudly when they had a headache to activate my superpowers in the Applying Paracetamol and a Forehead Kiss sphere would gross me out. I think when someone sees themselves as vulnerable and childlike, they never step up, they don't achieve growth. There are excuses for everything, layers of them, all tied to their self-image. They need therapy.

This not normal behaviour, it's attention seeking bollocks which is manipulative and is likely to escalate. Run a mile while you still can.

It’s interesting that when she can’t sleep, she appears to make an active choice disturb you. I wonder how she would react if you broke her sleep… badly, I suspect.

Sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason, and while I hesitate to throw an accusation of abuse, I do think that what she’s doing is, if not abusive, actively harmful to you.

She’s flying some pretty red flags here, and her behaviour sounds utterly ingrained. In your shoes I’d end things and cut all contact.

I think you’re particularly irritated because of the lack of sleep - which is understandable. What are her good points? you must like her to have put up with this.
I think dumping her is a bit hasty. If the positives outweigh the negatives, I would try to find a solution. I do appreciate that sleep is a massive problem though and needs to be dealt with.
With my partner, when he wakes up in the night he sits and reads or listens to a podcast in his headphones. I love waking up to him already awake reading actually but occasionally it disturbs me in the night and I struggle to get back to sleep so now I wear an eye mask and earplugs.

My partner and I have snoozebands for background noise if we need it, or just fancy a podcast in bed that the other doesn't want to listen to. The one with the eye cups is great for blocking out light too.

We don't have a TV in the bedroom but he had a tablet on his bedside unit that he'll sometimes watch, but with the brightness turned right down so it doesn't disturb.

The crying thing is bizarre though, I couldn't deal with that.

Your sleep and general sanity are more important than prolonging this high maintenance partner. Ditch

@FlowersAndFruit the word is generally used when referring to men.

Yes, generally but not exclusively.

Yes I’d definitely end it. She sounds extremely needy and childish. Who cries and wakes up their partner in their 30’s because of a headache? I’d have sympathy for a temporary situation like a close relative had just passed, but otherwise it’s rather ridiculous and incredibly selfish.

And the TV on going to sleep would drive me mad. The fact she won’t do anything to change things is again, selfish.

Ultimately, if you’re thinking about separate rooms in your 30’s before you’ve even moved in together, it’s not a good sign, and you should both just move on (/she should get therapy).

Oh god dump her. She's a big baby. Doesn't sound like you have much in common.

I agree and almost exclusively I would say and certainly in the context of the saying ‘chivalry is not dead’. Chivalric qualities have origins within knighthood which is inherently male. More than a bit disingenuous to suggest otherwise.

She is a selfish narcissistic bully. Imagine long term: kids, money stress, long term illness. Not a chance she will improve.

Throw this one back.

Thank you for all of your responses - the fact that you all seem to have the same sort of general consensus is really helping me to open my eyes about the situation.

She did come back, and asked for a chat when she got through the door. She basically tried to blame the entire thing on me - how she didn’t get up to treat the headache because it would have woken me up and pissed me off and how I make her feel bad every time she disturbs my sleep because of my reaction (being tired and grumpy) and how she never does it on purpose.

I gave her a good few home truths - how she has disturbed other partner’s sleep before me so she knows what the issues are but has never done to solve it, because she’s being selfish and wants everyone to adapt to her way of sleeping instead. I also said that I wasn’t sharing my bed or bedroom with her anymore when she stays over so she’s welcome to take the sofa or go home and sleep, but ultimately I think I’m done here anyway after the way she tried to villainise me for it 🤷‍♀️

Focusing on sleep aids is not going to solve the issues here.
Your GF, from what you describe, very likely suffers from trauma, and when she makes the noises she is seeking your attention, this could be a subconscious mechanism.
She could benefit from seeing a good trauma therapist as very likely these patterns show up in other areas of her life as well.
Meanwhile nothing wrong with sleeping separately, good quality sleep is extremely important for good health and functioning.

Good for you for setting out your boundaries - she either accepts them or else she essentially is absenting herself from the relationship - her choice, unless you decide to definitively pull the plug now.

She sounds very needy and also selfish, tbh needs to help herself, get therapy etc before she can be in an equal relationship.

Well, when someone feels attacked they would go in defensive mode. The problem is you do not understand what is beyond the patterns of behavior (and I don't blame you as not many untrained people do) but please take with a pinch of salt advice from judgemental strangers on the internet.

If you don’t like the opinions of untrained and judgemental strangers on the internet, then why are you on this site?

I have tried understand the reasons why for the patterns of behaviour for many months now, now I’ve snapped and had enough of having my sleep compromised so much of the time when nothing is changing on her end and I still need to function on a daily basis.

Patronising much?

Every other reply said leave the bitch, but here is one additional thought. After a year together there must be good things about the relationship. However, you both sound somewhat self referential, she (and you) is likely ASD. This means you both struggle to see each other’s perspective (good home truths). She is also likely to have anxiety. Maybe she wasn’t necessarily trying to blame you but just stating a fact. That she can’t win in terms of not disturbing you no matter what she does. If you still have feelings for her, then you can say what you say in a non accusatory tone and see if she’s capable of self reflection. Tell her what would work for you not to disturb your sleep. But to say she has to sleep on the sofa like a dog means you might as well call the whole relationship off. That’s a pretty horrible response.

I agree. It will only get worse. She is one of those people that complain but don’t do anything to help themselves.

All the best getting rid of this attention seeking baby, do it fast and cleanly and run. Good luck x

Raped by a burglar?? That's a reach!

To me this screams developmental trauma and attachment issues. She needs therapy to address this. It doesn’t sound as though she is able to get her emotional needs met in a healthy way, and instead ‘acts out’ at night. She is essentially stuck in trauma responses.

I have empathy for both of you. She won’t be able to function well in a relationship until she works on herself.