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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Date’s messy house and not my style

221 replies

lostinbigcity · 06/09/2025 00:19

We are still early on and it was my first time at his house. He divorced a few years ago and stayed in the house they lived in together with his ex-wife. No children. He is lovely and I like him a lot. The house is amazing location and size-wise. And it’s relatively clean, because he has a cleaning lady coming once a week. But it’s messy to my standards. It looks like a single man’s flat x5. Nothing horrible, but I'm quite an organised person, and it’s very below my standards or what I’m used to. Also, I don't particularly fancy some furniture and style. It’s his house and his choice - no judgment, but I'm thinking how I would take it long-term.

Does it change if men are in relationship? I don’t think I ever faced this kind of a situation. I don’t think I can or should address it, but what would your strategy be in this case? I had a previous history of moving in with a man who was very controlling over how things go in his house. Don't want to repeat it.

OP posts:
booboohoohoo · 06/09/2025 00:23

What is the style that you do not like?

QPZM · 06/09/2025 00:24

Sorry, what?

Why would he give a shiny shite about your standards when this is his house you're judging?

Never mind the fact you haven't been dating him long.

Valhalla17 · 06/09/2025 00:27

You're dating him. You're not moving in. Please dont mention it to him or devise a "strategy". Just enjoy the relationship at this early stage!

Iwiicit · 06/09/2025 00:31

For early days you are jumping the gun by a country mile. Weird.

QPZM · 06/09/2025 00:32

Does it change if men are in relationship?

What do you actually mean by this? ^^

I don’t think I ever faced this kind of a situation.

You're not facing any kind of 'situation'. You have a boyfriend who chooses to live as he pleases in the house he wants to live in.

Just as I'm sure you do in yours.

MeganM3 · 06/09/2025 00:35

I don’t think it’s something to worry about. It’s just a different style. Not dirty. People are different.

lostinbigcity · 06/09/2025 00:42

booboohoohoo · 06/09/2025 00:23

What is the style that you do not like?

I’m not sure how to describe it to be honest. Something with some of red, golden and plush. I’m not sure even though I've been to furniture design shows… I wouldn't say there's a distinctive style, it's a bit random in my opinion.

OP posts:
Pissenlit · 06/09/2025 00:42

What makes you think you get a say in his interior decor ‘longterm’? You barely know this guy. You’re still auditioning one another! He may think your furniture is hideous.

lostinbigcity · 06/09/2025 00:45

Valhalla17 · 06/09/2025 00:27

You're dating him. You're not moving in. Please dont mention it to him or devise a "strategy". Just enjoy the relationship at this early stage!

Thank you! Yes, I agree, especially so early on. But I'm a bit of an overthinker. I do evaluate men based on out potential compatibility. I continue dating only if I think I could live with this person.

OP posts:
QPZM · 06/09/2025 00:47

lostinbigcity · 06/09/2025 00:45

Thank you! Yes, I agree, especially so early on. But I'm a bit of an overthinker. I do evaluate men based on out potential compatibility. I continue dating only if I think I could live with this person.

You also need to ask yourself if he could live with you.

From all the overthinking and judging you're doing about his home, my guess would be probably not.

Also, why have you got your eye on his home?

Are you sofa surfing at the moment?

Pissenlit · 06/09/2025 00:47

lostinbigcity · 06/09/2025 00:45

Thank you! Yes, I agree, especially so early on. But I'm a bit of an overthinker. I do evaluate men based on out potential compatibility. I continue dating only if I think I could live with this person.

And you judge potential compatibility on furniture?

lostinbigcity · 06/09/2025 00:47

@QPZM you are totally right. He shouldn't care about my standards and he can live as he wants. I’m evaluating him as my potential partner and how you live is important (to me at least).

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 06/09/2025 00:49

If you ever reached the stage of cohabitation, the two of you work together to find a compromise with your preferred styles.

If I lived alone, my home would likely look different than the one I share with my husband. I would much rather share with my husband

lostinbigcity · 06/09/2025 00:50

Pissenlit · 06/09/2025 00:42

What makes you think you get a say in his interior decor ‘longterm’? You barely know this guy. You’re still auditioning one another! He may think your furniture is hideous.

Absolutely. But dates for me are a potential long-term. Otherwise, why would I spend time with him?

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 06/09/2025 00:52

He may have furniture etc that he could afford post divorce, that doesn’t mean it’s his style. But in any case if things did progress you’d negotiate with each other on things like how your home looks and standards of tidiness. You’re way to early to be worrying about how he lives in his own home.

QPZM · 06/09/2025 00:52

lostinbigcity · 06/09/2025 00:50

Absolutely. But dates for me are a potential long-term. Otherwise, why would I spend time with him?

How long have you been dating and why do you have your eye on his house, rather than thinking he might move into yours?

Jellycatspyjamas · 06/09/2025 00:53

lostinbigcity · 06/09/2025 00:50

Absolutely. But dates for me are a potential long-term. Otherwise, why would I spend time with him?

To get to know him, to enjoy his company, to have some fun and companionship?

NeedToAskPlease · 06/09/2025 00:54

Good grief. Are you always this intense? I'd run a mile if l was him.

He might not actually want to live with you ...or anyone ....in the future.

lostinbigcity · 06/09/2025 00:56

QPZM · 06/09/2025 00:47

You also need to ask yourself if he could live with you.

From all the overthinking and judging you're doing about his home, my guess would be probably not.

Also, why have you got your eye on his home?

Are you sofa surfing at the moment?

I don’t need to ask myself if he could live with me, he needs to ask himself. And if not - it’s fine. I have my place, I’m not sofa-surfing. I just want to be comfortable and I value myself enough to pick what I think is best for me. I do agree it might be very early on, that's why I'm asking other lovely ladies for their opinions 🤗

OP posts:
mmsnet · 06/09/2025 00:57

let him go

he deserves better than you

Mewling · 06/09/2025 00:58

It’s not about valuing yourself; sounds like you’re valuing his home. Bit cock lodgery, mate.

QPZM · 06/09/2025 00:59

Are you going to say how long you've been dating him?

Miaminmoo · 06/09/2025 00:59

Are you looking for a relationship or a new home?

Pissenlit · 06/09/2025 00:59

lostinbigcity · 06/09/2025 00:50

Absolutely. But dates for me are a potential long-term. Otherwise, why would I spend time with him?

I don’t know. A passing fancy? A quick shag? You felt like company? You have an insatiable curiosity about other people’s houses?

whatflite · 06/09/2025 01:01

Some days I worry that Mumsnet is just not as batshit as it used to be. Then I read posts like this and it restores my faith in it