Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Date’s messy house and not my style

221 replies

lostinbigcity · 06/09/2025 00:19

We are still early on and it was my first time at his house. He divorced a few years ago and stayed in the house they lived in together with his ex-wife. No children. He is lovely and I like him a lot. The house is amazing location and size-wise. And it’s relatively clean, because he has a cleaning lady coming once a week. But it’s messy to my standards. It looks like a single man’s flat x5. Nothing horrible, but I'm quite an organised person, and it’s very below my standards or what I’m used to. Also, I don't particularly fancy some furniture and style. It’s his house and his choice - no judgment, but I'm thinking how I would take it long-term.

Does it change if men are in relationship? I don’t think I ever faced this kind of a situation. I don’t think I can or should address it, but what would your strategy be in this case? I had a previous history of moving in with a man who was very controlling over how things go in his house. Don't want to repeat it.

OP posts:
fivetriangulartrees · 06/09/2025 11:41

I haven't RTFT but I assume after 8 pages everyone's accusing each other of something. Anyway...

I met my DP on a dating site and we matched on all our values and hopes for the future and every other seemingly important opinion. Lovely man etc. I don't remember it asking us, "Are you a maximalist who will fill every inch of space in your shared house with clutter?"

So now I'm hiding in the bathroom to avoid a panic attack after he's come home with several more bags of shopping.

The environment you live in matters is my point, although it's probably already been made numerous times in the thread, apologies.

TheClaaaw · 06/09/2025 12:07

TalulaHalulah · 06/09/2025 08:21

No, it’s usually because they have or think they have more important things to do than clean, which is why it is usually women’s work.

I mean, my comments are influencing by my xH who saw me once on my hands and knees cleaning something and said, ‘why are you doing that? It’s demeaning’.

Of course not everyone thinks like that, but some do.

So women don’t hire cleaners? Ridiculous comment.

TheClaaaw · 06/09/2025 12:16

FattyMcFattyArse · 06/09/2025 10:52

You do realise that this rigidity and obsession with style/decor is what you are doing to him?

I think you need therapy to unpick this and deprogramme you from your previous relationship trauma.

There aren't enough good men in the world. If this one is decent, then for gods sake snap him up and build a life with him, and just suck up his penchant for a tacky sofa.

In the grand scheme of things, what is REALLY important in a life partner?

You are getting stuck on petty shit and potentially sabotaging your own future happiness. Why would you do that? (answers in therapy)

You do realise that this rigidity and obsession with style/decor is what you are doing to him?

Shhhhhh…. 🤫 The OP is adamant that there is absolutely no cognitive dissonance here and will make nonsensical accusations that you are “egocentric” and have “confirmation bias” if you point out her cognitive dissonance. Apparently someone trying to control her choices in decor/ furnishings is controlling and abusive but her doing the same to a man she barely knows is fine. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Pissenlit · 06/09/2025 12:33

TalulaHalulah · 06/09/2025 08:21

No, it’s usually because they have or think they have more important things to do than clean, which is why it is usually women’s work.

I mean, my comments are influencing by my xH who saw me once on my hands and knees cleaning something and said, ‘why are you doing that? It’s demeaning’.

Of course not everyone thinks like that, but some do.

I’m female, and I have way more important things to do than clean. And my cleaners have been a mixture of male and female.

theresapossuminthekitchen · 06/09/2025 12:53

zaazaazoom · 06/09/2025 02:54

My beautiful warm hearted, amazing father to my children, who provided well, amazing cook, lover, cleaner, diy expert, sound board, joke maker, often annoying but apologetic ball of loveliness....has fucking terrible taste in furniture. But 25 years that isn't the smallest of issues
That doesn't matter. Its irrelevant compared to the big stuff

Absolutely. Yes, being controlling would be an issue, and being excessively messy might be an issue if you’re particular about tidiness, but that’s not what you’ve focused on OP - you’re bothered about his sense of style. I suppose if design is a particular hobby of yours, then it might be a deal-breaker for you, but you could end up missing out on a wonderful man who would have been an amazing companion/lover/best friend for the rest of your life because he would pick a different sofa to you... It seems an awfully shallow way to be thinking at this stage of the relationship.

Neemie · 06/09/2025 13:02

I think you might have jumped the gun just a bit!

hydriotaphia · 06/09/2025 13:24

What are you looking for on this thread? Yes, if hypothetically you ever moved in in future, you might move into his house (and would not reasonably be able to redesign it completely according to your tastes), or even if you moved somewhere new he would have a say in the interior design of your shared residence, and wherever you live he would still be messy. So if you want to dump someone because you don't like their taste in interior design or you think they are messy, then of course you can. Only you can say if this is important enough to you to go ahead and do.

intrepidpanda · 06/09/2025 13:34

dodobedo · 06/09/2025 10:22

No it wont change if you move in together he will just expect you to do it all.

Men don't think they should do domestic chores if there is a female living in the same house. They would rather lose half of their assets and see their kids once a week than do a house-keeping chore when there is a woman living in the same house. I don't know where it comes from I really don't.

It comes from women enabling it.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 06/09/2025 13:37

I moved in with DH and his house was quite bachelor pad style…. I brought my stuff with me and had a mix of his stuff, my stuff and some new stuff.

over the years we’ve moved house, redecorated, bought new stuff etc.

so for us it’s been an organic process over time and we got things that we both like.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 06/09/2025 13:40

In terms of mess and organisation, that’s just an individual thing I think. DH has far higher standards than me and does more cleaning and tidy than me.

im not gross but im also not bothered by a bit of mess etc.

Opinongated · 06/09/2025 13:44

When I met my DH he was living on a mattress in his brother’s spare room. It raised an eyebrow but he is the most wonderful man I’ve ever met. Now we live very happily together.

However, had he not been so wonderful, I may have cared more. Could it be that he isn’t the man for you?

Greenwitchart · 06/09/2025 14:08

I would run a mile from someone like you.

You sound like you are more interested in getting yourself a free house than anything else.

HevenlyMeS · 07/09/2025 14:22

Yes & I feel she would like to feel she's spending her time with someone she can see a future with
Numerous souls I've known, only wish to spend their time with someone they can see themselves with, long-term

Pissenlit · 07/09/2025 14:41

And this is based on (1) his furniture and (2) his tidiness.

Bluedenimdoglover · 07/09/2025 15:08

If you're having doubts now, why waste your time? If you have your own place stay there and just enjoy the.benefits of having a partner. If he asks you to move in, explain what your doubts are. Be honest with him.

JohnTheRevelator · 07/09/2025 15:10

Some of his furniture is not your style? I'd this a joke?

Nicepinkpanther · 07/09/2025 15:20

It's his house so, it's his choice of furniture. Some people can't live with a place for everything and everything is in it's place.You can't wait until you go a step further with him so, tell him now before you both get hurt. Have you taken him to yours? I recon he has noticed or will notice pretty soon. Just let him be himself and just write I like u in the dust.

Menomidge · 07/09/2025 16:04

Do you think you are a bit quick off the mark to judge his house? Possibly cant afford nice new things yet but on his radar to redecorate later. After all general bills are through the roof as we all know

Maybe consider how he managed to buy out the ex wife so that he could stay in the house, then add cost of actual divorce . Possibly he is paying off extra loan as a result so that he could pay her off and still have the house.
Not that he is going to spill everything in the first few months.
Leave things as they are till xmas see how things are then ( if he decorates for xmas etc ) New year new start speech etc etc, this will give you dome ifea by then

EuclidianGeometryFan · 07/09/2025 17:55

And it’s relatively clean, because he has a cleaning lady coming once a week. But it’s messy to my standards. It looks like a single man’s flat x5. Nothing horrible, but I'm quite an organised person,

@lostinbigcity

The furniture is irrelevant - if you got together long term you could compromise on finding stuff that you both are okay with.

The messiness is a deal breaker.
This is who he is - and you would hate living with him.

He does not do his own cleaning - he has a woman do it for him. This means that if you got together he would expect you to do the cleaning and tidying up after him, and/or you would have to continue having a cleaner come in.

In my opinion, a person who does not do their own cleaning (just because they are male?) is lazy and immature, and not someone I could be with.

Pujamooja · 07/09/2025 18:43

Agree with @Imbrocator and @McMumster and others...seems a very logical thing to consider? If you're not dating for FWB or intentionally living separately then blending lives is the natural outcome to consider for men and women.

If you meet someone super young or at university and grow together, it's different from starting to date someone from fresh who may be a bit more set in their ways (as are you).

Your home environment is important, your "social style" and tastes and what you choose to spend your money and time on are important (whether it's a cleaner or cleaning or just checking out of your home environment apart from to eat and sleep).

I like a frugal minimalist look, although I'm not super super domestic. A big pleasure in my life is sitting down in a clear flat with everything put away and a "hygge" atmosphere.

Clear sink and kitchen before bed most nights. Definitely not immaculate or a show home but it's calming.

If you continue dating longer term presumably you end up hanging out at home a lot.

I dated a very attractive and attentive guy who thought if we were hanging out at his, we'd just work round clutter.

He definitely wasn't living in squalor or a major hoarder (regular cleaner) it was a nice flat, but I wouldn't have wanted to live with him without addressing the issue. He wanted to see me happy, but he clearly just had different habits.

I stayed over after he'd hosted a house party and he simply hadn't thought to do any clearing or tidying (I did insist he did it but maybe not our finest moment).

It's actually sexist to assume that a man will give a woman control of the home environment at some point if they blend lives.

As pps say it may be a transitional thing or he may be happy to take the lead from a live in girlfriend. So I'd talk to him about it if you REALLY like him enough. He may be amenable to having a clear out or a home makeover.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 08/09/2025 12:44

My queerplatonic partner has been to my flat when it was an absolute tip bc I have terrible executive dysfunction and I was at work so he met me there. He didn't say a word, he's lovely. I, similarly, wouldn't judge his flat if it was messy, and certainly not on the decor style. Why would I care?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread