Date’s messy house and not my style

[lostinbigcity]

We are still early on and it was my first time at his house. He divorced a few years ago and stayed in the house they lived in together with his ex-wife. No children. He is lovely and I like him a lot. The house is amazing location and size-wise. And it’s relatively clean, because he has a cleaning lady coming once a week. But it’s messy to my standards. It looks like a single man’s flat x5. Nothing horrible, but I'm quite an organised person, and it’s very below my standards or what I’m used to. Also, I don't particularly fancy some furniture and style. It’s his house and his choice - no judgment, but I'm thinking how I would take it long-term.

Does it change if men are in relationship? I don’t think I ever faced this kind of a situation. I don’t think I can or should address it, but what would your strategy be in this case? I had a previous history of moving in with a man who was very controlling over how things go in his house. Don't want to repeat it.

Thank you @Ponderingwindow . That’s what I’m hoping for. I think I had a very unfortunate experience with a person who was very rigid about the way his house was supposed to look. So it might be my trigger point, especially if I see something that doesn't seem compatible with what I prefer.

Sorry but this sounds like a "should I carry on dating him because I don't like his sofa" post 🙈😂 I think if he has a cleaner once a week, the house is being kept on top of cleanliness wise! The rest is just down to personal preference!

If a date came here (not going to happen as I am not dating and dont want to but...) I am sure that he would be horrified as I have it as it works for me.

But when I was living with my ex, it looked differently as we worked together on the decor. There were things of his I truly loathed, but that worked the other way too. So his superhero model collection was cheek by jowl with my antique book collection.

Sure. With what purpose? I’m dating to find a long-term partner. And things you are mentioned come by default. On top of that people have lots of compatibility issues they get shocked about years after they got married because they did not actually think of them well beforehand. In fact, you can see that from the start. And I believe you should not try to change someone dramatically. That's why my question was: do you ladies think it’s just a normal thing overall which people negotiate when they are in a relationship (meaning later on)? I don't want to think we are super compatible and then after 10 years say “I hate this sofa and your style, and you on it”.

If all you're looking for is a long term relationship leading to living together in relatively short order, then I think it's sensible to be wondering about this sort of thing.

In my experience men don't get tidier if they start living with a woman. Some men get messier, expecting women to do the domestic stuff, but they don't get tidier. And a new partner not bothering to make an effort and a good impression the first time you visit suggests someone who does not have tidy on his radar. Which is fine for him, but if it's not for you you're probably going to be incompatible in terms of living together.

If you're mainly after a good time and will let things develop at their own pace without too much concern if you end up splitting up in, e.g., 18 months having had a great 18 months together, then don't worry about it.

I had a previous history of moving in with a man who was very controlling over how things go in his house. Don't want to repeat it.

God forbid he should want things his own way in his own house…

That's why my question was: do you ladies think it’s just a normal thing overall which people negotiate when they are in a relationship (meaning later on)?

It was the consistent use of “you ladies” that gave it away…

I agree. I wouldn’t date anyone where what we found beautiful differed.
We both need to love the home we live in and find it beautiful. I don’t want to force my sense of style on anyone.

OP, I think I get what you are asking. You don't want to waste your time potentially getting emotionally close to someone who you may not be compatible with in the long run, and trying to spare yourself an unnecessary heartache.

I would say people don't generally change. They can compromise with the ones they love to achieve a common purpose, but fundamentally they don't change. So a messy person won't miraculously turn into tidy neat one just because they are in a long-term relationship.

I am an organised tidy person and my husband is not and never was, and it was evident from our first dates. I have to say, it is now an irritation in our marriage, especially once the kids came along.

I'd say see how it goes, enjoy the relationship for what it is at the moment, and cross this bridge once things get to a more serious moving-in stage.

Edited for typos

Seriously? When people move in together? I feel very sorry for your relationship history.

I’m never usually on the side of very tidy people, being pretty disprganised myself. But I think you’re getting a rough time here, OP.

It’s not just his style you’re put off by, by the sound of it, it’s his tidiness and disorganisation. if that is really important to you, and his environment feels chaotic enough to make you uncomfortable and a bit alarmed, then you are absolutely right to take this into consideration when thinking about whether this relationship goes any further.

MN posters are always banging on about how you have nobody but yourself to blame if you settle down with someone who turns out to be a slob. I wonder if they’re the same ones telling you to lighten up. You can’t do right for doing wrong on here sometimes!

I’m very curious what you mean by this. English is not my first language, so I could miss out on some things.

Thank you! That's exactly what I was trying to say in my own clumsy way ♥️

“I'd say see how it goes, enjoy the relationship for what it is at the moment, and cross this bridge once things get to a more serious moving-in stage.“
That’s just wasting her time and his when it’s clear they are not compatible.

@McMumster thank you for your kind comment! Yes, that’s what I was trying to get my mind around. I totally agree, it makes sense. I guess I just need to understand how critical it is and keep exploring general compatibility.

YABU your only dating him he’s not asked
you to move in with him. It really doesn’t matter what you think of his house when you’ve been on a handful of dates.

God who the fuck cares

And then women moan they can't meet men!!

@Newfigtree I’m not sure we are not compatible yet, but I agree, I don’t want to waste too much of my time if we are not. I’m just trying to understand how to figure out whether we are as soon as possible.

i don't understand why it matters. If he is nice and you are enjoying each other's company, why worry? You don't live there, you have your own place which you can keep pristine if that is your style. He has his and you say it isn't actually dirty.

@Newfigtree but you are totally right! Waiting until then “move-in” stage could be a total waste of time.

@lostinbigcity OP if you tend to analyse things such as this to evaluate if he has long term potential as a partner then I think what you need is to understand if he minds to live in a house not decorated by him. For him it might be merely functional and not a conscious or important choice if that makes sense.

Thank you for your comment. Ok, so in your opinion when should it start matter what I think of his house?

Why don’t you discuss this with him? It might be that he doesn’t think his furniture is beautiful, he might have been given it. He might not care about furniture at all and be more than happy for you to buy what you like. Or he might find your thoughts on the subject or your taste repellent and want nothing more to do with you. But it would solve your dilemma

But you are the one sounding very rigid about how your house should look now.
After his breakup and half the furniture leaving with the ex, he probably took that opportunity to express his personal taste while he lives alone.
I done similar after a break up many years ago, couldn't express too much due to funds, but there was a lot of pink flying around until I got it out of my system 😂
If you get that far then discussions can be left until further down the line about how you would merge styles

lol so your dissing his taste ??? lol I think you need a reality check