Date’s messy house and not my style

[lostinbigcity]

We are still early on and it was my first time at his house. He divorced a few years ago and stayed in the house they lived in together with his ex-wife. No children. He is lovely and I like him a lot. The house is amazing location and size-wise. And it’s relatively clean, because he has a cleaning lady coming once a week. But it’s messy to my standards. It looks like a single man’s flat x5. Nothing horrible, but I'm quite an organised person, and it’s very below my standards or what I’m used to. Also, I don't particularly fancy some furniture and style. It’s his house and his choice - no judgment, but I'm thinking how I would take it long-term.

Does it change if men are in relationship? I don’t think I ever faced this kind of a situation. I don’t think I can or should address it, but what would your strategy be in this case? I had a previous history of moving in with a man who was very controlling over how things go in his house. Don't want to repeat it.

Most men ime are indifferent about decor and happy to defer to his lady.

However, if you feel he has a particular taste in things that he is wedded to and unwilling to compromise on - then you are right to see this as a potential issue. Has he indicated this might be the case. Otherwise his decor is probably incidental and it hasn't had much thought.

Oh, my dear, you really chose a wrong person to ask. Better google Attribute substitution bias. It will be much more useful.

hahahhaah he should absolutly run. You sound like your wanting to take his house out.lol Wonderful knowing their are crazy minds out there.

"I had a previous history of moving in with a man who was very controlling over how things go in his house. Don't want to repeat it."

1. Why not just continue to live separately and live in your own houses for now?
2. Ultimately could you not look to sell both houses and buy one together, in which case you can decide on decor etc together?

Also, @TheClaaaw did you mean confirmation bias? I really can’t understand how cognitive dissonance can be relevant to any part of this discussion. I can help you with the theoretical part of you are struggling.

lostinbigcity · Today 03:21

TheClaaaw · Today 02:42
Have you ever heard of “cognitive dissonance”?

Also, ** did you mean confirmation bias? I really can’t understand how cognitive dissonance can be relevant to any part of this discussion. I can help you with the theoretical part of you are struggling.

(Snigger). Q.E.D., I believe.

Hilarious, but clearly misplaced I’m afraid, as your post evidences.

@pollyglot 😂 My apologies. 🥂

I haven't read the full thread but think you are getting a hard time OP.
i remember one date where I first visited a potential partners house unexpectedly early (date 2) and it was shockingly filthy. I walked out and ended things pretty much straightaway as I couldn't face the idea of someone willing to live in absolute squalor. (And I would consider myself fairly chilled about cleanliness, tidiness and hygiene).

less extreme than this, in my time I have dated (and lived with) some very clean and tidy guys, and some who are messier. Each time, the way they lived when I met them, reflected how they were long term and in life. I definitely don't think it's a bad thing to consider longer term compatibility. Obviously there will always be a certain degree of compromise and negotiation if you do move in together, but it's unlikely someone will change hugely - even if you meet when young, and it's fair to say you don't want to turn into their mum nagging them to tidy or clean, or worst case scenario taking on the cleaning duties as you always want it cleaner / tidier than they do.

if you really like a potential partner / they like you, then there might be some flex on this but don't think you are wrong considering things in this way. Not sure why so many people took so strongly against what you said.

Errrr…. No.

My post was a response to the (quoted) comment from the OP stating “I think I had a very unfortunate experience with a person who was very rigid about the way his house was supposed to look”.

Given that she’s just posted an entire thread about her very rigid demands about how another person’s house should look, this is the definition of cognitive dissonance.

How embarrassing that she attempted to correct me when “confirmation bias” is not remotely relevant and this demonstrates she doesn’t understand either term, and even more embarrassing that your reading comprehension is so poor that you have posted to agree with her lack of grasp of English and apparently “sniggered” like a school child about your joint incapacity.

QED, indeed.

1. I found it out after we moved in together. He has been abusive in many other things, so it was rather a string to pull for him.
2. Unfortunately it was not an option.

So your ex was physically and emotionally abusive and you are worried about this lads house!?
I think you should be more concerned about repeating past traumas and looking for coercive control behaviours.

Have you sought therapy over your ex? You yourself sound very anxious and controlling which is not an unusual trauma response.

His house being a bit messy or not to your taste is not a red flag. He is a man and single one, they don’t usually give a shit.
If his house is a dealbreaker you may not be ready to date yet.

Perhaps you should stop trying to move in with, or envisage moving in with, every man you date for a few weeks?

heClaaaw · Today 03:32

pollyglot · Today 03:23
lostinbigcity · Today 03:21
TheClaaaw · Today 02:42
Have you ever heard of “cognitive dissonance”?
Also, ** did you mean confirmation bias? I really can’t understand how cognitive dissonance can be relevant to any part of this discussion. I can help you with the theoretical part of you are struggling.
(Snigger). Q.E.D., I believe.
Edited
Errrr…. No.
My post was a response to the (quoted) comment from the OP stating “I think I had a very unfortunate experience with a person who was very rigid about the way his house was supposed to look”.
Given that she’s just posted an entire thread about her very rigid demands about how another person’s house should look, this is the definition of cognitive dissonance.
How embarrassing that she attempted to correct another me when “confirmation bias” is not remotely relevant and that your reading comprehension is so poor that you have embarrassed yourself by agreeing with her ignorance and apparently “sniggered” about your own incapacity to understand English.

You have completely misunderstood my meaning, @TheClaaaw.

Did you not read my comment about the Academic Snobbery Brigade? The (snigger) and Q.E.D. were in reference to the reinforcement of my comment. In no manner was I being derogatory to you, and such vehemence in your eagerness to denigrate me has somewhat altered my perspective of you.

Sheeeeze, mate.

She’s just been to his house for the first time. They’ve only just started dating and are pretty much strangers still based on her posts.

I expect he’d run very far away if he realised that she was already getting stressed about whether he will be amenable to her preferences for furnishings for their joint home to the extent that she posted a thread about it on the internet. 🤣

before you start picking out decor and deciding how you would decorate someone else’s home have you ever stopped to think that he may not ever want to live with anyone else after 1 failed marriage he may be happier you living in your home (decorated the way you want) and him living in his home. That of course is only if your relationship gets that far maybe just slow your roll a bit.

I would also say (further to my message above) that the best 'tidy / clean' balanced guy I lived with I had to leave due to infidelity. (Still don't regret living with him on housemate terms)

one I dated but didn't live with was extremely rigid in his lifestyle - fitness, clean living and totally minimal house - was ultimately too unbearable for me.

my DH was messy when I met him. Thought over time he would improve. That didn't happen. I wish he was tidier / cleaner / more proactive although luckily for him he has other qualities which go in his favour.

I guess I have seen all sides and made my choices each time. Tidiness, cleanliness and individual style isn't the be all and end all but agree it can tell you a lot about a person and your long term compatibility and don't think you are unreasonable to consider this against other factors. 🤷‍♀️

My apologies. It’s been a very long day today. I have made myself laugh now with my comment to you about reading comprehension then totally misunderstanding your posts due to lazy skim reading. Mea culpa!

With the OP’s comedy and my own contribution in response to you the thread is descending into quite an amusing level of farce almost worthy of a comedy script. Perhaps this was the OP’s intention (we must hope, for the sake of the man involved, that he is merely an amusing fiction for very late on a Friday night).

Well said, @TheClaaaw ! I appreciate your explanation...It's Saturday afternoon here, i've had a (very) large G&T so quite understand your thinking...
Kia kaha ehoa
x

@TheClaaaw honestly, I’m not here to argue, I’m here to get other women’s perspective. You’ve been nothing but mean to me and you completely don’t understand the terms that you use. Nothing that I said is a definition of cognitive dissonance. It’s just ridiculous. And I never said I have any demands on how someone else’s house should look. Did you read my post at all? You do have confirmation bias in my opinion because for some reason you see in my post what you want to see, not what I say. You have your own opinion on topic that is somehow relevant to what I asked and without even reading what I said you make your judgements. And you are just trying to find confirmation of your beliefs in what I write even if I say the opposite.

So 2 things to look at if he’s untidy and messy that’s something you either learn to live with and accept or not. Most untidy people don’t notice the mess around them and get on with life and trying to change that can be impossible. Is it untidiness that you could potentially live with? If not then it will become a huge problem later in the relationship.

as for the decor and furniture it could just be what he was left with after the divorce/what he could afford at the time/second hand things from friends and family etc. this can all be changed easily enough and what should be discussed between both of you if you get to the stage of living together.

Please don’t worry about my mental health @Summerlilly . I've been in therapy and I'm ok. But I do look for compatibility early on (it’s not a guarantee, I know). I don’t think that my post has any indications of me being controlling. I needed different opinions, but what I got here is absolutely shocking.

I really do think you’re grossly overthinking.
Proceed with this relationship if the man is kind, respectful and you have shared attitudes and values (to important things not decor!)
If it comes to the stage of moving in together then you make the arrangements for how you will style, renovate and decorate etc.
My DH have really quite different tastes but after 13y of cohabitation we now have a blend of what we both like.
Also, compromise is a must for any successful relationship

Oneof my posts even explains for you why what you’ve written is the definition of cognitive dissonance.

I’m sorry you think it’s “mean” but genuinely, posting a thread like this about the soft furnishings of someone you’ve known a couple of weeks and getting worried about how your house would look if you live together is bonkers.

It very strongly suggests that you should not be dating at all at the moment and need to get some stability yourself first so that you aren’t viewing men you barely know as potential cohabiting partners/ husbands.