Date’s messy house and not my style

[lostinbigcity]

We are still early on and it was my first time at his house. He divorced a few years ago and stayed in the house they lived in together with his ex-wife. No children. He is lovely and I like him a lot. The house is amazing location and size-wise. And it’s relatively clean, because he has a cleaning lady coming once a week. But it’s messy to my standards. It looks like a single man’s flat x5. Nothing horrible, but I'm quite an organised person, and it’s very below my standards or what I’m used to. Also, I don't particularly fancy some furniture and style. It’s his house and his choice - no judgment, but I'm thinking how I would take it long-term.

Does it change if men are in relationship? I don’t think I ever faced this kind of a situation. I don’t think I can or should address it, but what would your strategy be in this case? I had a previous history of moving in with a man who was very controlling over how things go in his house. Don't want to repeat it.

Or he thinks cleaning is women’s work.

Who said his cleaner is a woman?

I mean it's more likely than not, but it's not usually the reason why people get a cleaner.

I think you're better off single. No man will live up to your standards. I surely wouldn't and I'm a woman.

1. How messy is messy? I couldn't live in someone else's mess so this would be a deciding factor. However, if I really liked him I would consider staying with him but living separately. However, you say you definitely want to live with someone so I would end it now if the mess is too much for you because they don't change.

1. The style of furniture: surely if you decide to live together you would decide together how to decorate and the best thing to do would be to move into a new property together which you can decorate and furnish together. But it sounds like you want a ready made place to move in to, in which case you should end it now.

1. You are overthinking far too much at this stage. It's too much too soon. There are other much more important things to consider first such as views on children and how to bring them up, financial compatibility, politics, religious compatibility etc.

why are you assuming you’re going to move in there? Can’t he move in your house if you can get over your icks about his furniture?

I wonder why so many people are focusing on the furniture style which is only part of the ops concerns. She said the house is messy and she likes things being organised, that’s a potential red flag for compatibility. She also said she’s not keen on his furniture style. Of the two, the furniture can be changed so I’m not sure why so many posters are making it “the” issue and ignoring the first concern. In my experience, a messy person stays a messy person and rarely changes or even sees any need to change. The tidy person ends up with a life of irritation at best. The incompatibility here is the issue. The furniture is only an issue if he is adamant that this is the only furniture he will accept and won’t compromise. I think this is where the op is coming from when she mentions her previously abusive relationship.

Op I think you would need to give this relationship a little more time before you can know if this is a man you could have a long-term relationship with. I understand you don’t want to waste time but on the other hand if you see potential in him as a partner, then my advice is to proceed with caution and decide after you’ve gotten to know him better. I stand by my own lived experience though, messy and untidy adults rarely change!

Messy - hard to change.

Taste - easier to influence.
Do you think he’s the type to care about house stuff (DH doesn’t give a shit)? Or does it look like it’s just leftover from what his ex picked? Does it look dated?

That’s not what the original poster was saying.
It wasn’t about “quality”. It was the lack of imagination to shop anywhere else.

Please don't date a relative of mine! I do judge a person who is focussing on superficial things when looking for a partner. It tells me something about that persons maturity and values in life.

If I was him I would be running a mile and I say this as a tidy person

Agreed.

Maybe next time before agreeing to a date ask for a portfolio of photos of their home. God forbid you date someone with a shag pile carpet…shudder…

No, it’s usually because they have or think they have more important things to do than clean, which is why it is usually women’s work.

I mean, my comments are influencing by my xH who saw me once on my hands and knees cleaning something and said, ‘why are you doing that? It’s demeaning’.

Of course not everyone thinks like that, but some do.

I’m sorry op, but the reason you’re getting the responses you are is because this is quite simply odd behaviour, to be eying up his home, the location, Size and his furniture early in the relationship and wondering if you should address it. The man has not proposed, marriage or moving in, you barely into a relationship with him, it comes across very materialistic. I suggest you don’t mention it to him, as you will be single again very quickly indeed.

If I was him and happy in my environment I'd be showing you the door.

It's his home. If you were in a position to live together you'd be discussing how and where you'd be living. Ideally a new start somewhere else where you would furnish and style your home together. Together being the operative word.

PS but you're not.

@lostinbigcity you don’t think you sound controlling ? Thoughts of living together and changing all his stuff .lovely .

I get you OP.

If someone lives chaotically, with no organisation then they're not going to suddenly start doing so if we ever lived together. I'm all about helping DH get organisedn if he asked for help, but I'm not mothering anyone into the basics. Asking whether you can live like that early on is a good idea.

Regarding furniture, it's a bit like clothes. I wouldn't date someone who only dressed in football shirts etc. I wouldnt date someone who insisted on a ugly pleather couch monstrosity and a 100" TV in our front room. However, there could be many many reasons why someone has awful furniture. Post divorce it might be what was available and cheap at the time. So I think you need to get to know their underlying tastes as well as their openess to collaborate in general if the relationship gets that far.

I don't think this is something I would worry about to much.
My house for example is probably below your standards. It's got a miss match of furniture, some new and some second hand. I don't love all the second hand bits or indeed some of the new bits but there just not a high priority to replace. If I was moving in with someone I would expect it to be our house and for us to choose what we both wanted, hopefully to pool the best of what we both have and to buy more that we loved together.
My exH is completely different from me. When moved him with his now wife, they sold all there furniture to buy everything brand new - my daughters tells me it a John Lewis show home.If he were single I think he would be much harder to convince to change he's pretty firm on what he will and won't have in his house.

If you have a few more dates, and you get on and like each other as people, you could perhaps bring it up casually, "Did you pick all this furniture?" which could open up a conversation about what style and designers you like, your ideal home and furnishings, location and money no issue. And have a broader conversation.

If he is anything like my H he inherited or was donated a lot of that stuff, which he has cobbled together and doesn't really care what it looks like as long as it serves it's purpose. To be fair I am a bit like that, we got given our first set of sofas when we first bought a house, toddler, baby on way, one wage, we couldn't afford to be stylish. We only bought a new sofa 14 years later and by that time his choice was important I wanted him to like it. We both basically agreed on "no neutrals we want a colour" and took it from there.

H has come on in leaps and bounds so much not too long ago he was plumping £50 cushions in John Lewis, I was drop mouth saying "get whatever cushion you want" - we didn't buy a cushion because the one he liked there was only one and we needed two apparently! Never in my days could I have imagined being in a soft furnishing department with H expressing any sort of opinion but there you go. "I don't want the cushions to match" "ok well how unmatching are you thinking, opposite colours or complementary?" People change!

If you want children there is no point in being stylish until they are at least 8, at least, they make things sticky and messy.

I think for a long, happy, healthy, fun relationship you are honing in on all the wrong qualities OP. A house can look stylish and be utterly full of misery, or can be a mismatch of chairs and armchairs and be full of fun and love.

To be honest it sounds more like you are interviewing for a job rather than just seeing if love blossoms and you could grow together and be a partnership. "Don't worry about the house and kids and me go and look after your mum I've got this" is far more important than his interior house style.

I couldn't live with someone who was messy. My ex was messy and it caused no ends of arguments, he was also lazy. When we separated his flat was a health hazard.

Out of all the male houses I've been to, only two were actually to my standards of cleanliness and tidiness. And the last one was to my taste furniture wise.

Furniture style is subjective, I'm sure some might find my monkey lamps naff, or my wall art not to their taste and my Persian pub carpet rugs pretentious. But then I don't like mirrored furniture or crushed velvet or rather bland and boring modern lamps.

This thread reminds me of the current Ebay advert when the couple are moving in together and he has that Tiger lamp though😂

Wowwwww. A lot of very nasty comments. The lady is just asking for advice not an assination attempt. Just answer the question without the snideness bullytactics network. Why the ' Mean Girls' mentality ?
All of you that have made the unnecessary response are 100% liars because you would have an impression on a person's house the first time you went to it. Whether you are in the beginning of a relationship or not.

Does it change if men are in relationships?

When you cohabit with anyone (partner, friends, children), you have to compromise. However, if taste and style in decor are very important to you, then if you have v different tastes, it may be hard to find a compromise you both feel comfortable with.

But, as others have said, you seem to be approaching a relationship like going shopping, with a checklist of what you need long-term. IMHO, this means you’re setting yourself up to fail. Imagine if you met a new friend (e.g. at work) and immediately started to decide what kind of friend they’d be in 5, 10 or 20 years when you needed a lot of support. Rather than enjoying their company in the here and now and allowing the friendship to develop organically and see what happens.

Life is so wonderful because people come in and out of it. Some stick around for years, others are more fleeting and you never see them again. You can’t predict which will be which. But they all add to make life a richer experience and you carry this with you.

You can’t control and plan for how relationships will be. They’re not a work project. That’s the magic. I always think of life as a long trek, through various landscapes (mountains, wood, valleys, plains). People join you on the road. Some just for an hour or day, some for years. Some in good times, some in bad. But they all make the journey richer and more interesting. Some people might walk the whole journey with you and still be there when you leave, but sometimes that can mean you get confined to them and miss out on the company of others.

So, IMHO you should enjoy dates and see what happens. Sure, you need certain red lines for your own self-respect. People who show signs of being abusive, disrespectful or controlling are best left at the crossroads. But, other than that, the magic and beauty of life is seeing where it takes you - and who you meet along the way.

Character and values are more important than tastes in someone you walk with for a while. Believe me, when a baby is crying at 3.30am, perfectly aligned tastes in scatter cushions won’t matter a jot. It’s the man who gets out of bed, brings the baby to you to be breastfed and fetches you a cup of tea, all with kindness and humour. A stylish backpack counts for nothing when you’re lost in the woods in the rain.

His house will remain a state until the next skivvy wife comes along.

I can understand that you are concerned about long term compatibility but if you view all dating as a selection process for a life partner you risk missing out. Missing out on some enjoyable dates, missing out on today because your headspace is taken up with tomorrow and potentially missing out on a partner where you both might adapt a bit as a relationship naturally progressed. Being worried about untidy when that isn’t you is understandable, worrying about style choices when you don’t even know that he made the choices is not.

Maybe his ex took all the "nice' stuff and left him with gaps to fill. Some people just army that into interior design .....

If the time ever comes that you're moving in together, start afresh, new house new furniture. He's probably like most guys and doesn't care. The furniture is probably his exs taste. If he's messy, it's his place. Just enjoy the relationship for now.