Date’s messy house and not my style

[lostinbigcity]

We are still early on and it was my first time at his house. He divorced a few years ago and stayed in the house they lived in together with his ex-wife. No children. He is lovely and I like him a lot. The house is amazing location and size-wise. And it’s relatively clean, because he has a cleaning lady coming once a week. But it’s messy to my standards. It looks like a single man’s flat x5. Nothing horrible, but I'm quite an organised person, and it’s very below my standards or what I’m used to. Also, I don't particularly fancy some furniture and style. It’s his house and his choice - no judgment, but I'm thinking how I would take it long-term.

Does it change if men are in relationship? I don’t think I ever faced this kind of a situation. I don’t think I can or should address it, but what would your strategy be in this case? I had a previous history of moving in with a man who was very controlling over how things go in his house. Don't want to repeat it.

So, it’s okay for you to be rigid about how a house is supposed to look, but someone else doing that is a “trigger point”?

Also way to find out his view without being too forward, insulting or jumping the gun. Screenshot things you like, as if you are thinking of a remodel in a room of your own house, say something around the lines of love this .... for my ... room, what do you think. May give you some more insite

Do you by any chance understand the difference between being rigid and have a preference? Also, you have no idea how “rigid” my ex was about his house, but you are judging me. Do you understand what broad spectrum this word can have?

When he actually asks you to move in with him until then his house his business.

You have taken "overthinking" and turned it into an art form!

He lives how he does be he doesnt need to consider anyone elses needs. As do you.

THe moment either of you starts to share their living space with another adult, thats when the compromise starts.

Sadly I dont think that you will find a long term partner if you go into it with such strict requirements at this early stage.

Why did your last relationship end?

Do I get it right: in your opinion, I shouldn't care what his place looks like until he invites me to move in (interesting dynamic and I think I can smell misogyny here, because in my opinion a couple should discuss it, not wait for invitation, but I’m happy to be wrong), and after that I can like it or not and if I don’t - tough luck and another thread on mumsnet. Correct?

If it goes long term have him move in with you.

I love my place. Partner will one day move in here.

@PyongyangKipperbang thank you for your comment and opinion. My last relationship ended because my ex was physically and emotionally abusive. And his control over what his house looks like was part of the abuse. Thank you for your pessimistic prognosis for my personal life. Much appreciated.

Yes, it's possible the furniture was inherited, given or chosen by an ex for example.

Between Red Ange and Trump Mark 2 in his turquoise suit today, then the weird posts on here tonight, I'm beginning to think I'm losing the plot.

But is it his sense of style or is it left over from his previous relationship?

IME some guys just don’t care much for interior design and will happily live with things not-perfect/ a little shoddy.. that doesn’t mean they would make you live like that, in an ideal world if you ever moved in together you would come up with a joint style between you and learn to compromise on what is important.

if you don’t want to compromise then stay living by yourself.

you’ll soon find out through the normal dating process as to whether he is happy to compromise on things or if he is rigid in his thinking, if he’s a nice guy who makes you happy then give it a chance to get to know him properly before you write him off.

It is possible, thank you. I will try to gently ask him about it. Good alternative perspective.

I am still legally married to a man just like that. The man I compromised with over the decor.

Funny really that all the stuff that mattered so much to him when we were together is still in my house (and it is my house, thanks to legalities he has no claim on it) and he doesnt care about his stuff at all.

I think that my point still stands. That while its ok to have expectations of how life would be living together, its unrealistic to expect a man you are dating to live exactly how you do.

Surely the joy of creating a life together is the "meeting in the middle" bit? Sure it causes rows sometimes, but ultimately you both get a happy home.

Going in expecting Mr Perfect isnt going to work, which is why I said (and still say) that looking for a LTR with such strict ideals, is unlikely to work.

If and when it becomes your home, probably.

Thank you @sandyhappypeople . I live by myself. And I am happy about how I live. That's why I’m not looking for “just someone to move in with”. I’ve been living by myself and providing for myself for quite a while so far. I agree, it might be that it’s just a single guy’s thing. That was the reason I started this thread - to get opinions on this topic, as I don’t think I’m experienced enough in this kind of things. Thank you very much!

Fucking hell, who left the reptile vivarium open today??

I find red flags about how a person chooses to live when they are single as valid as any other red flag. At this early stage OP is evaluating whether or not this person is worth dating. No matter how picky some women think she is being, this is the person who, potentially, she may choose to live with in the future. Of course the man will also be considering the issues which are important for him, which, obviously, in the case of a man are always life-changing, mature, considered reasons, such as whether her boobs are big enough or is she shaves her pubes.

OP, if some things about how he lives put you off, listen to your gut. If they already bother you now, they will bother you lots more if you end up being present in his place more often in the future.

I’m not quite sure what you are referring to. If to a man like my ex - I'm really sorry you went through it, it’s horrible and devastating.

But I don’t understand why you’re saying I’m expecting the man I’m dating to live exactly as I do. Could you maybe re-read my original post?

@aurynne thank you! 😂♥️🤗

Have you ever heard of “cognitive dissonance”?

Has this man even said that he’d consider cohabitation in the future? Not all long-term relationships involve cohabiting, obviously, even if this dating progressed to a relationship.

It’s quite the presumption when you’ve just started dating someone to be assessing what they would be like to live with and their choice of furniture etc! Bunny boiler territory. And nobody likes people who are mean to bunnies.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

You sound bonkers tbh. I expect he may run away. 🏃🏻‍♂️

I disagree.

I bought a dishwasher from a guy in the next village, must be 15 odd years ago now, and I was slightly taken aback about how his lounge was set up. Had to go through to get to the kitchen. The lounge was a sofa, a coffee table and a massive TV. That was it pretty much. His TV was connected to his laptop.

The male friend who was helping me, when I said that I wasnt surprised the seller was single, said "he is a guy living on his own, if he was living with someone else it wouldnt look like that". Thats what made me rethink.

We have our homes as we like them, and if we choose to share then of course we must compromise. But that comes further down the line. Dropping someone after a few dates because they are not the way one would like them to be is rather short sighted.

I've only ever dated two guys who were tidy and both organised their CDs... one by alphabetical which was normal I guess, the other by colour. How do you find a cd based on colour? I preferred the messy ones. I know where I am with messy!!!
Anyway, don't worry about it. If you do move in, you'll probably want to buy your own furniture together. Don't judge a man on the state of his house (unless it's full of his dead grandmother's stuff, in which case: run).

My beautiful warm hearted, amazing father to my children, who provided well, amazing cook, lover, cleaner, diy expert, sound board, joke maker, often annoying but apologetic ball of loveliness....has fucking terrible taste in furniture. But 25 years that isn't the smallest of issues
That doesn't matter. Its irrelevant compared to the big stuff

Not fair to waste someone's or one's own time if not compatible and no future