Date’s messy house and not my style

[lostinbigcity]

We are still early on and it was my first time at his house. He divorced a few years ago and stayed in the house they lived in together with his ex-wife. No children. He is lovely and I like him a lot. The house is amazing location and size-wise. And it’s relatively clean, because he has a cleaning lady coming once a week. But it’s messy to my standards. It looks like a single man’s flat x5. Nothing horrible, but I'm quite an organised person, and it’s very below my standards or what I’m used to. Also, I don't particularly fancy some furniture and style. It’s his house and his choice - no judgment, but I'm thinking how I would take it long-term.

Does it change if men are in relationship? I don’t think I ever faced this kind of a situation. I don’t think I can or should address it, but what would your strategy be in this case? I had a previous history of moving in with a man who was very controlling over how things go in his house. Don't want to repeat it.

OP, I didn’t particularly like DHs furniture and decor when we got to together. He lived in a small house, I lived in a flat. When we decided to move in, we sold both of our properties and bought somewhere together. We put up with his sofa for a bit but then it got replaced as we purchased joint items bit by bit. We have moved again since over the years and now have a lovely home filled with furniture jointly purchased and to both of our taste. I don’t think there has ever been a strategy, just a natural merging of two homes/lives.

He is very attached to a really ugly rug though, he knows I hate it. It lives in his office.

I think you would be mad to dump a good guy because you don’t like his furniture and decor. Dirty house I could understand but the colour of his sofa, no.

I agree with all of this. This thread is bonkers op needs to be single for a while instead
of mentally trying to move in with someone that she’s only been on a handful of dates with. Can you imagine if he came across this thread he would think she was crazy and he wouldn’t be too far off the mark.

And no, there’s no “confirmation bias”. That doesn’t even make sense. What are you asserting that I am trying to confirm? I’ve read your posts and really did suspect that this thread was meant to be some satirical amusement to pass a Friday evening.

You asked for opinions. My opinion is that if you actually think in this way then your approach to dating is crackers and that it indicates you’re not in an appropriate place mentally to be dating at all at the moment because this is a really disproportionate and weird way to be thinking about someone you barely know at all; fantasising about a joint home together and what furnishings that hypothetical home might have then getting so wound up about it you feel you need “advice” on it.

I honestly think no more dating for quite a while and more focus on the therapy you say you are having would be much better for you.

I understand your concerns OP. Pondering future compatibility is fine and makes sense to me.

@TheClaaaw you are so egocentric that you probably should think twice before commenting on someone’s thread. Again, did you read my post? Or did you hear what you wanted ro hear? I do think you need some stability, not me. You sound very sad, angry and unbalanced. And nothing you said explained why what I said could qualify as cognitive dissonance. The fact that you learned some terms does not mean you can use them properly. Google cargo cult.

Also, I feel very sorry for you if you date men for the sake of dating, and not viewing them as potential partners. You have a long way to go.

I understand your concerns OP. Pondering future compatibility is fine and makes sense to me.

How condescending

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Righty-ho.

So definitely either satire or crackers. I guess we’ll eventually see which it is if you continue posting.

@TheClaaaw , do you feel better about yourself now? That was clearly the objective of all your comments. I hope you do, and that being mean to another person at least gave you some comfort.

And you’d base this decision on “compatibility” on the colours of the cushions in the house of a man you barely know and aren’t even in a relationship with - someone you’ve known for a couple of weeks - and get so stressed about potential disagreements in soft furnishing colour scheme choices for your imagined future joint home with this virtual stranger that you’d feel you need to post a thread online for advice about what to do?

And you’d come to comment on a thread of a person whose words you completely twist and you know nothing about and make up things about, but criticize like your life depends on it? And judge, judge, judge. LOL.

I’m not sure why you keep trying to make the thread about me, OP. I’ve not said anything about myself yet you’ve accused me of being “egocentric”. You’ve told me I haven’t explained why your posts displayed cognitive dissonance even though I had explicitly done so. Now you seem to be trying to engage in DARVO type tactics to accuse me of not understanding what you’ve said/ not reading your posts/ not knowing what words mean when you’ve used them incorrectly.

It all seems a little unhinged especially when considered in conjunction with your original post. I really don’t think dating is a good idea for you at the moment if this thread isn’t a satirical joke after all because it’s unlikely to end well if you approach it in this way. What do you think this man would think if he saw what you posted?

Honestly, @TheClaaaw ? I think he would laugh. He’s absolutely great. Which I said in my post which I'm still not sure you read carefully. It was never about me choosing him vs furniture. I feel so sorry for you. I will be fine, I hope you as well.

Why think like this? You might have a lovely relationship but never live together.

Not my thing. I want a partner I will live with and a family (at some point of course).

@lostinbigcity setting aside his choice of furniture, on the messiness aspect, maybe he's messy because he lives alone and doesn't have to compromise or worry, he can leave a stray coffee cup or piles of books and paperwork on tabletops and not worry about it being messy. That's what you're judging him on, how he lives when he's on his own and doesn't have to worry about pleasing anyone else.

if that bothers you now, and you've only just started dating him, then believe me it really will grate on you when the honeymoon stage is over! Your decision is whether or not you can live with that going forward, because it probably won't get any better, unless you say to him that tidiness is important to you.

furniture - he may have some items that he wants to keep, who knows. If his furniture is dreadful and you can't bear living with a bright green sofa, then that's your choice to make. Impossible to say unless you talk to him.

if the two of you do become an item as they say, you may need to have a conversation about it, and there's nothing wrong in that. Being able to be honest and open about things that matter is an important part of being together if you want a healthy relationship- but not yet, it's much too soon.

But you barely know this man! Why are you even thinking about him as a potential cohabiting partner let alone father to your children when he’s still virtually a stranger? Let alone stressing about how you’d decorate your house together in this hypothetical relationship you’re imagining that you might have together?

OP, I mean this kindly, but really, you should draw the curtain over this debate now, as you are beginning to sound unhinged. Please, join me in a (Very) large G&T and cease engagement.

I was talking about my plans for life and my future. I am dating people I am potentially considering for a relationship, family, etc. Why do you find it so weird? Maybe you just have different views and personally prefer dating around (I'm not judging btw)? I'm trying to understand why you have such a problem with me.

@TheClaaaw you sound mean and unwelcoming. There are dozens of threads on MN that are about hypothetical situations that women want to have a chat about and make sense of. @lostinbigcity is one of those so stop giving them a hard time. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to think about.

Why shouldn't people date for the sake of dating?

In theory, nothing wrong with thinking about long term when you’re looking for a relationship, not a fling. But it’s hard to find a decent guy out there in the dating world, so I wouldn’t be ruling someone out as I don’t like his taste in furniture. When you live with someone, it should be a compromise on style, and that can be difficult if people have wildly different tastes. Totally your call if you’re going to call time on this early as you don’t like his sofa, personally I think that’s a bit bonkers.

Nobody “has a problem with you”, OP. People have been giving you advice, like you asked them to do.

It’s really not appropriate for you to be making personal conjectures about other posters who haven’t said anything about themselves or asked for advice. Not that it’s relevant, I haven’t dated anybody for a long time so you can cease your comments attempting to imply that I am some kind of loose woman or whatever judgemental disparagement you’re attempting to sling at women who don’t start imagining a joint home or babies with each man with whom they go on a couple of dates.

That doesn’t mean that they have lower standards than you are are not looking for serious relationships, quite the opposite: it means that they aren’t engaging in fantasies about building a life with men they barely know and will only entertain thoughts about a future with somebody once that person has proved their worth.

Your approach to it gives the impression of desperation for a serious relationship and trying to fit men who show interest in you into that role at an early stage rather than focusing on spending time with someone in a natural way appropriate to the extent to which you’ve got to know them, and unfortunately this will make you very vulnerable to certain unpleasant types of men who will pretend to be what you are showing them you desperately want them to be.

There’s a difference between thinking about plausible hypothetical situation with a reasonable likelihood of occurrence and fantasising about picking out home furnishings for a joint home with someone you barely know, then getting anxious about how to manage colour scheme and furnishing style disagreements with him that you anticipate arising (without even asking this man if he even likes his current furniture or just has it due to circumstance!) and being deeply concerned about how to rectify this non-existent problem that’s highly unlikely to occur anyway because the man is still pretty much a stranger to you. That << is crackers.

Your posts are quite aggressive and I’m wondering if something in this discussion is activating for you. Might be worth thinking about. Your posts have reduced the ops concerns to such things as “fantasising about picking out home furnishings for a joint home with someone you barely know, then getting anxious about how to manage colour scheme and furnishing style disagreements with him that you anticipate arising”. It is clear to me from reading the ops posts that she has broader concerns and the furniture style is just one aspect of a bigger picture for her which is being undermined by these types of comments and the force with which they are delivered. I don’t usually post like this but it looks like your posts are not about trying to help the op work out her concerns and it seems the op doesn’t find them helpful.