Date’s messy house and not my style

[lostinbigcity]

We are still early on and it was my first time at his house. He divorced a few years ago and stayed in the house they lived in together with his ex-wife. No children. He is lovely and I like him a lot. The house is amazing location and size-wise. And it’s relatively clean, because he has a cleaning lady coming once a week. But it’s messy to my standards. It looks like a single man’s flat x5. Nothing horrible, but I'm quite an organised person, and it’s very below my standards or what I’m used to. Also, I don't particularly fancy some furniture and style. It’s his house and his choice - no judgment, but I'm thinking how I would take it long-term.

Does it change if men are in relationship? I don’t think I ever faced this kind of a situation. I don’t think I can or should address it, but what would your strategy be in this case? I had a previous history of moving in with a man who was very controlling over how things go in his house. Don't want to repeat it.

Has he mentioned you moving in then?

I went to my partners house, beautiful home,massive garden - inside was literally an office(messy) and a bedroom.
Totally not my country cottage vibes (I do not live in the country,nor a cottage that is my vibe-my son describes it as a dolls house mainly because I’m 5’4 and a bit (the bit is the magical bit) and he is 6’4 - anyway he has his own apartment now).
Literally my partner bought me my own chair (office chair of course) so I could sit down when at his house and I took my own spare dish because he had nothing other than what he needed.
I was with him for him not his home (office) and he’s the most awesome man and we are very happy !!

I think style is reflective of something in a person.
My DH is very neat and tidy and has well selected “peices” ( ie expensive vintage) and some quirky bits. But it’s all of the exact same type. This is him through and through.
Mine is an eclectic mix of junk as always been poor but people say I have good style and nice stuff.
I couldn’t be with anyone that had no taste, had a gaudy/flashy style or in fact had no interest in decoration.

Ugh I hear you. You need to know if he would let you change it or does he have ‘a style’

i had an ex and everything he had bought was from Oak Furniture land. Honestly it just killed it for me. It was an embodiment of a lot of other pedestrian things he did

I'm not sure why people are being so nasty. You've seen something about him thatskes you question whether he's a good fit for you long term. Of course you should be thinking long term.

I do think you should split. You're not suited. He's messy. You're tidy. No it won't change. He'll get worse because he won't have to tidy up after himself, you'll do it.

I'm going for 'crackers'.

OP is extremely patronising in responses and has written a very judgemental first post (then claimed "no judgement" 🤣).

OP maybe you should focus more on these potential partners' attributes and less on them being providers of nicely furnished and decorated homes for you to move in to. If it got to the stage of cohabitating, then I would suggest you both sell your respective properties and buy somewhere new together, so that there is equal contribution and a mutual discussion on how best to furnish it.

As a bloke reading this my opinion is that he should run very far and very fast in the opposite direction or alternatively back away while maintaining eye contact (I haven't had to escape a nutter in a while so I've forgotten the correct procedure)

I had a previous history of moving in with a man who was very controlling over how things go in his house. Don't want to repeat it.

I'd say you're very controlling about wanting to change this man's house to suit your style. Have you not considered that he might find your house not to his style? He's probably respectful and well mannered enough not to want to change anything as it's not his home.

Stop being a control freak.

My bedroom furniture is from Oak Furnitureland, would rather have good quality, solid wood than the tat from IKEA people are so fond of. It also wasn't cheap (or flat pack).

You do sound rather materialistic OP……..why is it any of your business how this bloke lives?

My very best friend in all the world has decorated her house in shades of pink. I hate pink. It's girly and twee and I loathe it.

But she helped me through a traumatic divorce, several horrible life events and is always there for me. So we just don't visit interior design shops together.

Works for us.

People are saying you’re overthinking, which I think you’ve said alrwsdy and saying that you shouldn’t be mentally moving into his house and imagining how it woukd look after a few dates, especially when you’ve had an abusive relationship previously.

All fairly reasonable.

If the house was clean and he is a nice bloke I wouldn’t care about the style of his furniture.
Im an over thinker but I’m not materialistic so possessions don’t bother me at all.
We’ve all seen the threads on here from women going to their dates houses to find filthy toilets, stained bed sheets and all sorts of grossness, furniture not to your taste is neither here nor there.
I would be more worried about him being financially stable, no weird habits, respectful and in my case kind to animals and children.
You are coming across as very judgemental , maybe your furniture doesn’t appeal to him but he’s more interested in you as a person.

I think what’s causing me and some other posters concern is that you seem to be evaluating his house as much/more than him. Like you are looking for a package where you move in and get him and a new home, rather than looking for an equal partnership based solely on mutual affection.
I’m sorry if that is not the case but it’s what your first post sounds like.

Seriously, it won’t change (his messiness) and you’ll be forever picking up after him.

his furniture style etc?! Honestly no big deal. Compromise.

💯 support
I can't believe op is arguing so much, perhaps another sign she isn't ready for this dating game.

I sense a gap in the market for a new tv show - a sort of hybrid of First Dates and Location, Location, Location. Potential couples are taken round a series of houses to test their compatibility on interior design matters and whether it’s more important to live near a school or trendy bars and restaurants.

Op look the most important thing when you are dating a man isn’t his decor.

Along with compatibility/attraction It’s whether he is a fully functional adult that cleans, cooks, tidies, works and that you have common goals and treats you as an equal.

Not what soft furnishings he is into.

I think you are confusing compatibility with perfection.

'Compatibility' in this situation means 'does he have the ability to compromise/adapt'. You have said his house isn't dirty, so the thing to be wondering about here is whether he would adapt to your routines of keeping a house more tidy. Also whether you are able to accept a little more mess than you would have ideally - because living with ANY second person always involves compromise on both people's part somewhere.

I think the root of this is that you are ascribing more importance to this issue because of your previous abuse. It wasn't the decor that was the problem, it was the controlling man.

So in your situation I'd carry on dating, have fun, get to know eachother and see how things go - if he's an irredeemable slob or a controlling arse, you'll soon find out.

Hopefully he will throw this one (you) back.

Wow . I’m glad you don’t come to my house.
how rude!

Not sure if I should answer as the thread seems to have descended into bickering about whether you should judge a house.
What you seem to be judging lostinbigcity is taste and style, rather than messiness, although possibly you see the decor and furnishings as messy in style and lacking co-ordination in your view.

But I think what matters is the extent you are both prepared to compromise. My xH was extremely organised and tidy (he had a cleaner as well) and his furnishings were more exquisitely designed and had a cost I would not have been able to justify had I chosen such furniture, as I was a single parent.
Once he got his feet under my pine table, he made no secret of the fact that he hated my furniture (as well as usually what I wore, the state of the insides of my cupboards and drawers, what I ate for breakfast, you get the picture).

By the time he was an ex and I had realised this was controlling behaviour and my entire original self had disappeared and I did not want this to happen to my DD as well, I had another child so I was a single parent of two, with my pine furniture gone, nursery fees to pay, and a limited budget from legal costs. It’s IKEA now, because it’s the people inside the house which matter, that they thrive.

From my perspective, a relationship needs compromise and communication, not judgement on MN. It’s not wrong to think very closely about compatibility and this also including style, but you cannot set out to change a person and their decor choices. It’s part of who they are. If this man is lovely, then take this one step at a time and think about how you communicate, whether and how he compromises and what you value about him and what is important to you and how they meet (or do not). But don’t think about what you can fix later, it’s not a project.

If you decide to move in together start somewhere new and decorate that in a style you both like. It is unlikely two people otherwise suited cant decorate a house.

Sounds grabby to assume you would be moving into his place.

And the sad thing is, you’d get people applying and thinking it was a good idea.

Chances are he is living with decor chosen more by ex wife because like a lot of men he doesn’t bother too much on interior decoration and can’t afford or just hasn’t bothered to replace it - doesn’t mean he loves it and wouldn’t ever change it. You are over thinking a bit because of your previous bad experience. I’d place more importance on the fact he has a cleaner so at least has reasonable standards