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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH is annoyed because I didn't call him while I was away overnight for family funeral.

182 replies

NestEmptying · 05/09/2025 18:47

AIBU here. Should I have called?
I drove my parents to a family funeral yesterday in Wales, DH didn't know the relative so didn't come - that was fine I didn't expect him to. The journey was about 5 hrs and we went straight into the service when we arrived, then the wake. Then there was a family dinner in the evening and we stayed over.
I posted a pic of the hotel room about 8pm on the immediate family WhatsApp. DS and DD (who are adults) answered. DH didn't answer but I assumed he had seen or the kids would have told him.
He hadn't seen. I got home just now and he said he didn't know if I was dead or not and that it's not normal not to ring your spouse if you're away.
He's really cross but I don't think I did anything wrong. I sent a message. He was at work today with no phone so I couldn't ring him this morning and then I was driving back.

I had quite an emotional couple of days, seeing family members and talking about the relative. It was full of love and humour and Welshness. Now I have come back to an atmosphere. I don't think I am wrong but should I apologise?

OP posts:
FluentLemonFatball · 05/09/2025 18:49

It’s not about being right or wrong. Your DH is letting you know how he would like to feel cared for, and it’s that that could move you to apologise and do differently in future.

LlynTegid · 05/09/2025 18:50

Maybe an over-reaction by him, but I think if you are making a journey it is reasonable to phone to say you have arrived ok. Given the unfit drivers there are on the road, perfectly normal to be concerned about someone when they are making a long journey.

Sorry for your loss and I hope the 'Welshness' included some beautiful singing.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 05/09/2025 18:50

I couldn't deal with that level of neediness, you weren't away on holiday! Me and my DH barely text when one of us is away, because one of us is away with other people, family, friends etc, our focus is on them

PollyHutchen · 05/09/2025 18:50

He's letting you know you're not supposed to have a life of your own...

HelenaWaiting · 05/09/2025 18:51

You are wrong. He's not some vague acquaintance, he's your husband. If my OH had been away overnight and not bothered to send anything other than a general text to a WhatsApp group, I would be seriously pissed off. It's not that you couldn't be bothered to spend the 90 seconds it would have taken you to text him personally, it's that you didn't even think you ought to.

MotherofPufflings · 05/09/2025 18:52

If he was worried there was nothing stopping him messaging you to check you were ok. I wonder why he didn't do that and instead got cross that you hadn't messaged him?

Ablondiebutagoody · 05/09/2025 18:54

Is he usually this suffocating? How regularly do you have to inform him that you haven't died?

Comtesse · 05/09/2025 18:54

MotherofPufflings · 05/09/2025 18:52

If he was worried there was nothing stopping him messaging you to check you were ok. I wonder why he didn't do that and instead got cross that you hadn't messaged him?

Quite! Was his phone broken? Did his fingers stop working? One of you has been to a funeral, one of you has been to work - who do you think has had the roughest day? Why does he need to make it about his emotional needs - I suspect OP has had a lot more on her plate.

Gowlett · 05/09/2025 18:55

It’s different for all couples, but when we’re out of the house…
Then, we’re out, doing separate things, whatever it might be.

saraclara · 05/09/2025 18:55

HelenaWaiting · 05/09/2025 18:51

You are wrong. He's not some vague acquaintance, he's your husband. If my OH had been away overnight and not bothered to send anything other than a general text to a WhatsApp group, I would be seriously pissed off. It's not that you couldn't be bothered to spend the 90 seconds it would have taken you to text him personally, it's that you didn't even think you ought to.

She whatsapped the immediate family group. So him and their daughters. Isn't that the obvious thing to do? To let them all know that she'd arrived?

@NestEmptying did he apologise when you showed him the message send that you HAD communicated that you were there safely?

If he was that worried about you being dead, surely he'd have checked and checked his WhatsApp?

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 05/09/2025 18:55

He could’ve messaged or called you if he was that worried. He’s causing issues when there isn’t one. How dare you go away for the night 🙄

Doveyouknow · 05/09/2025 18:56

Well you did let him know you were there safely by the WhatsApp message. If he was that concerned he could've rung or just checked his messages. Sounds like he just wants a reason to be angry

Rightandwrong · 05/09/2025 18:56

I think after a five hour journey it would have been the normal thing to send a quick text to say you had arrived. Anything could have happened on the drive.
I can understand him being upset that you didnt even consider he might be worried. Especially as it was a funeral you were going to because that really focuses the mind on life and death.

Comtesse · 05/09/2025 18:57

She did send a text to family group!!

TragicMuse · 05/09/2025 18:59

Oh he’s being ridiculous. I was away last weekend, messaged my husband once. He’s not a fucking baby that needs a) my constant attention, b) reassurance that he’s top of the tree.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/09/2025 18:59

Me nor DH would have rung, maybe a quick message but no guarantee of that. However the general consensus on MN whenever a man or adult DC is away or out for an evening is they should send quick text and if they are away overnight the partner should ring or text a quick goodnight so going by that then yes you should have

MotherofPufflings · 05/09/2025 18:59

And gosh, how strange that he missed your WhatsApp, despite your kids responding and presumably him getting those notifications too. Cynical old me wonders whether he did see it but left it unread so he could be cross.

Septemberisthenewyear · 05/09/2025 19:00

If he was that worried he would have at least sent you a message asking you arrived safe.

Original poster
NestEmptying · 05/09/2025 19:02

Comtesse · 05/09/2025 18:54

Quite! Was his phone broken? Did his fingers stop working? One of you has been to a funeral, one of you has been to work - who do you think has had the roughest day? Why does he need to make it about his emotional needs - I suspect OP has had a lot more on her plate.

Show quote history

That's what I said to him.
If he was worried why didn't he message.
He said he had seen me post on Facebook so he knew I must be OK.
I haven't done that - he's misunderstood. I've been tagged in something but I haven't posted anything myself.
He is cooking dinner now. I haven't apologized.
He hasn't asked how the funeral went.

OP posts:
Mandarinaduck · 05/09/2025 19:02

Gosh no you are not wrong and should not apologise.

Your day was very full and your mind was on the funeral - why on earth would he need you to call? I find it a bit pathetic of him.

I am sorry about your relative and glad the funeral was full of warmth and love. That is what really matters.

Topseyt123 · 05/09/2025 19:03

Whenever I am away overnight (quite regularly as I have a 90 year old mother) I do always speak to DH every evening. Either me calling him or him calling me. So yes, in your shoes I would have phoned.

I do see though that you posted on your family WhatsApp. Is your DH one who rarely remembers to look at messages and then thinks nobody has paid any attention to him? Mine used to be like that and I used to have to point things out and pull him up on it. As did our three DDs. He's much better now.

Original poster
NestEmptying · 05/09/2025 19:03

Rightandwrong · 05/09/2025 18:56

I think after a five hour journey it would have been the normal thing to send a quick text to say you had arrived. Anything could have happened on the drive.
I can understand him being upset that you didnt even consider he might be worried. Especially as it was a funeral you were going to because that really focuses the mind on life and death.

It maybe would but we went straight into the funeral service. We were 5 mins late and concerned about that.
He wouldn't get it anyway as he was at work with no phone.

OP posts:
BellissimoGecko · 05/09/2025 19:05

MotherofPufflings · 05/09/2025 18:52

If he was worried there was nothing stopping him messaging you to check you were ok. I wonder why he didn't do that and instead got cross that you hadn't messaged him?

This. He’s being an idiot and making things all about him, not you.

nomas · 05/09/2025 19:06

He could have called you or send a text saying he hoped you reached safely and he’s thinking of you.

Instead he’s made your grief about him.

Does he do this a lot?

nomas · 05/09/2025 19:06

Rightandwrong · 05/09/2025 18:56

I think after a five hour journey it would have been the normal thing to send a quick text to say you had arrived. Anything could have happened on the drive.
I can understand him being upset that you didnt even consider he might be worried. Especially as it was a funeral you were going to because that really focuses the mind on life and death.

Do phones only work one way?