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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH is annoyed because I didn't call him while I was away overnight for family funeral.

182 replies

NestEmptying · 05/09/2025 18:47

AIBU here. Should I have called?
I drove my parents to a family funeral yesterday in Wales, DH didn't know the relative so didn't come - that was fine I didn't expect him to. The journey was about 5 hrs and we went straight into the service when we arrived, then the wake. Then there was a family dinner in the evening and we stayed over.
I posted a pic of the hotel room about 8pm on the immediate family WhatsApp. DS and DD (who are adults) answered. DH didn't answer but I assumed he had seen or the kids would have told him.
He hadn't seen. I got home just now and he said he didn't know if I was dead or not and that it's not normal not to ring your spouse if you're away.
He's really cross but I don't think I did anything wrong. I sent a message. He was at work today with no phone so I couldn't ring him this morning and then I was driving back.

I had quite an emotional couple of days, seeing family members and talking about the relative. It was full of love and humour and Welshness. Now I have come back to an atmosphere. I don't think I am wrong but should I apologise?

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 05/09/2025 21:39

Thattimeofthenight · 05/09/2025 21:31

He still fucking wouldn’t have a point. Sometimes in life our heads are up our arses because we’re incredibly stressed. She was at a funeral ffs, after a long drive.

How the hell did society ever cope before every narcissist could demand daily attention from their partner via the shitty little tracking device in their pocket?

Show quote history

Absolutely! Mobile phones are the weapon of choice for the controlling needy narcissistic twat who can’t let their partner have anything to themselves without whining ‘but you didn’t call don’t you love me’

Selfish tosser

MySweetMaggie · 05/09/2025 21:46

If you have friends willing to, I'd start to get away for girls trips etc more often. Start to have your own life and get this man used to you being an individual, not just there for his convenience. He should have contacted you to check how you were and asked about the funeral when you returned. Don't apologise!

Wexone · 05/09/2025 22:01

SleepingisanArt · 05/09/2025 19:47

I have to drive 4 hours to visit my parent (it's currently once a month but has been every couple of weeks previously). I always call DH to let him know I've arrived safely as the journey can be a lot longer than 4 hours, or if I can't do that straightaway I call in the evening. I like to hear his voice and be able to tell him how I'm feeling (stressed, unhappy, alone, or whatever) and his calm presence on the phone is so helpful. I don't understand why everyone thinks OPs husband is being needy and I don't understand why OP didn't call him in the evening to share the burden of her grief after the funeral....

same in our house. I drove 6 hours recently ( never driven that much in one day in my life ) spoke to my husband 2 or three times while driving then rang when got to hotel. we have a farm and animals aswell so would check they OK. no kids. before covid I travelled alot for work would often ring for a chat or even just company. we would be sending WhatsApp too memes photos etc. would text then before bed. he m husband we are always talking.

METimezone · 05/09/2025 22:04

FFS. It's not unreasonable to want to know your partner is OK after a long journey but there is also nothing stopping HIM messaging YOU.

Why was it on YOU to have HIM front and centre of your mind while at a bloody funeral and not the other way around? Why can YOU not take the hump with HIM for not bothering to check in with you? Doesn't he LOVE YOU (etc.)?

Does he always need to be the main character? Tell him to pull his head out of his arse and stop being so bloody self-involved.

sittingonabeach · 05/09/2025 22:04

DH would have messaged me to ask how I was after the funeral

Rainbows41 · 05/09/2025 22:26

Why would you not have expected your husband to accompany you on a family funeral irrespective of whether he knew them or not? Does he usually avoid your family gatherings?
I get that he most likely wanted to have a message from his wife to say how the journey went and that you had arrived safe and sound. The fact that you didn't do this but instead chose to message on the family group chat suggests that you two aren't that close anymore.
Him saying he thought you were dead was an obvious attempt at sarcasm due to the lack of contact you gave him, however, given that you were away at a family funeral this comment was quite distasteful and thoughtless.
Whilst I'm guessing the closeness isn't there anymore between you both, he could have chosen to send you a message himself, to check how things went and make sure you did infect arrive safe and sound. You're both as thoughtless in this.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/09/2025 22:32

FluentLemonFatball · 05/09/2025 18:49

It’s not about being right or wrong. Your DH is letting you know how he would like to feel cared for, and it’s that that could move you to apologise and do differently in future.

When somebody is grieving and attending the funeral of a family member, that takes precedence over somebody else's nose being put out of joint that they aren't the focus of attention overnight.

RaginaPhalange · 05/09/2025 22:36

Both of you could have communicated better tbh.

My dh was away for a funeral months ago, he called me on the way to his home town (10 ish hour trip) when he arrived and before he went to bed and again in the morning. Mostly just to say hey I'm still alive and how are you and the kids getting on and would talk to the kids for a bit.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 05/09/2025 22:38

Your “D”H need to get a bloody grip.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

namechangedforvalidreasons · 05/09/2025 22:40

I think this sounds like a headfuck.

cos you did contact him, and when you said ‘why didn’t you get in touch if you were worried’ he said ‘you were posting on FB’ once again making you sound like your priorities are out of whack but …no you weren’t. That’s deflection, once again to make you sound a prick. He seriously doesn’t know how FB works? And if he saw a post he wasn’t thinking you were dead in a ditch at all. And apparently he doesn’t read WhatsApp messages? Only valid communication with this guy = communiqués directly addressed to him?

Obviously is nice to be nice and sure we have all apologised for a quiet life before but I think he’s at it. If he’s not at it, why doesn’t he just leave it? Does he think you were away having a lovely time without him 😬

toomuchfaff · 05/09/2025 22:40

He had sent you 10 messages enquiring about your still being alive? No? Phones works both ways... you were the one travelling and attending a funeral.

Cornishclio · 05/09/2025 22:48

No you are not wrong and shouldn’t apologise. He sounds totally self absorbed. For goodness sake you have been to a funeral. Where is his empathy? You sent a whats app and he could have messaged if he was really worried but it sounds like he was just bothered you went and did something without him. He is either needy or passively aggressive making sure you know he is displeased you went away on a family event and didn’t give him a second thought. Why would you? You were focused on your dead relative and catching up with family. He sounds selfish and needy. How pathetic.

Nostylequeen · 05/09/2025 22:50

You posted a picture of the hotel room??
you could have called.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 05/09/2025 22:52

So he’s cross that you didn’t text him, but he didn’t text you. Erm… does he really not see the double standard there? You’re the one that’s been to a funeral and he’s complaining that you’re not considering his feelings enough? Much as I want to say I’d be cross with him, I think a nice calm conversation would be the better approach. It’s often not easy to call in these situations, sometimes your timings just don’t match up, he needs to check his messages. Not worth falling out over, just agree a plan for next time. Sorry for your loss.

swingingbytheseat · 05/09/2025 22:54

He sounds like a baby. Is he always so needy?

Noshadelamp · 05/09/2025 22:59

Whenever me and DH are away from each other for the night we'll send a quick text either to say we've arrived or goodnight, no need to ring.

You sent a message to the family WhatsApp group, it's not your fault he didn't see it or think to check before going to bed.

Maybe he felt a bit stupid as the kids replied and he didn't.

Given the circumstances even if he was annoyed at the time, he should be able to let it go, not create an atmosphere.

IDreamOfElectricSheep · 05/09/2025 23:49

Poor him. He felt all annoyed that he wasn’t a priority in your thoughts when you had all this to deal with.

Ponoka7 · 05/09/2025 23:59

BoredZelda · 05/09/2025 19:22

Standard rules apply. You’ve made a long car journey you text to say you’ve arrived.

All these “he could have called if he was worried” posts would be singing a different tune if he had called and that had pissed the OP off. “Can’t he leave you alone for 5 minutes”

Would you really stay outside a church, while your parents go in, to text someone who hasn't got their phone with them anyway?
This is the downside of mobiles. When I'm travelling without my DP I WA a few pictures. Until I have downtime to talk. My adult children post on FB, or WA them, so I know they are alive.

Ilovefishcakes201 · 06/09/2025 00:13

An overreaction from the husband but It’s obviously a pattern and that your DH feels neglected.

It’s common courtesy for the travelling partner to message your partner when you have a spare moment.

It is not the text per se, but the emotional connection that text conveys.

BourgeoisBabe · 06/09/2025 01:25

HelenaWaiting · 05/09/2025 18:51

You are wrong. He's not some vague acquaintance, he's your husband. If my OH had been away overnight and not bothered to send anything other than a general text to a WhatsApp group, I would be seriously pissed off. It's not that you couldn't be bothered to spend the 90 seconds it would have taken you to text him personally, it's that you didn't even think you ought to.

Jesus, that's bonkers to me.

BourgeoisBabe · 06/09/2025 01:27

RaginaPhalange · 05/09/2025 22:36

Both of you could have communicated better tbh.

My dh was away for a funeral months ago, he called me on the way to his home town (10 ish hour trip) when he arrived and before he went to bed and again in the morning. Mostly just to say hey I'm still alive and how are you and the kids getting on and would talk to the kids for a bit.

I would go mad if this level of communication was required of me

Rayqueen · 06/09/2025 01:31

Depends what relationship or how close you are probably. But I would never go for a long drive and not call hubby or him call me to see if all are safe and sound lol

notatinydancer · 06/09/2025 03:59

I go away regularly it wouldn’t enter my mind to message in these situations nor would I expect him to message. He could have messaged you ?
Why are people so needy?

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 06/09/2025 04:15

NestEmptying · 05/09/2025 19:03

It maybe would but we went straight into the funeral service. We were 5 mins late and concerned about that.
He wouldn't get it anyway as he was at work with no phone.

Show quote history

If i was stuck in work with no phone and came out hours later and checked my phone and there was no "safely off road" message i"d be worried to hell.

If it was a funeral I wouldn't ring because who wants phones going off at a sensitive time.

I think you're wrong to not consider that someone who cares about you might worry.

And I think if you had time to post on a group chat you had the extra 5 seconds spare to message him directly. All it needs is about 2 words and an xxx, and it's sort of insulting to him that you didn't think to do that.

I think you should apologise but it does kinda depend upon your family rules. Do you expect him to stay in contact if he goes away for the weekend, or are you happy with prolonged radio silence??

garlictwist · 06/09/2025 04:27

He’s being unreasonable. You were at a funeral. DH and I go away separately a fair bit and sometimes send the odd message but wouldn’t bother ringing.