DH is annoyed because I didn't call him while I was away overnight for family funeral.

[NestEmptying]

AIBU here. Should I have called?
I drove my parents to a family funeral yesterday in Wales, DH didn't know the relative so didn't come - that was fine I didn't expect him to. The journey was about 5 hrs and we went straight into the service when we arrived, then the wake. Then there was a family dinner in the evening and we stayed over.
I posted a pic of the hotel room about 8pm on the immediate family WhatsApp. DS and DD (who are adults) answered. DH didn't answer but I assumed he had seen or the kids would have told him.
He hadn't seen. I got home just now and he said he didn't know if I was dead or not and that it's not normal not to ring your spouse if you're away.
He's really cross but I don't think I did anything wrong. I sent a message. He was at work today with no phone so I couldn't ring him this morning and then I was driving back.

I had quite an emotional couple of days, seeing family members and talking about the relative. It was full of love and humour and Welshness. Now I have come back to an atmosphere. I don't think I am wrong but should I apologise?

He's being ridiculous. It was one night when you had a big family event to deal with. You sent a message so you were clearly safe and sound.

As for a PP saying he needs to feel more cared for words fail me. She's the one with all the stress of long drive, managing family and a funeral but he needs to feel cared for?

THIS!!

Basic in our relationship- if either of us went in a 5 hour drive we would ring to say we had arrived safely. Nothing suffocating about it - we care about each other and therefore want to know each other are safe. No one gets told to do it - why wouldn't you 🤷‍♂️ dd is 21 and drives to uni 2 hours away. She always sends a text to say she's arrived- never told her too!

Exactly, I think he is massively overreacting.

You had the audacity to centre your family and the deceased and not him. Shame on you OP - you should always prioritise your dh. Even if it means being rude at a funeral and wake.

FFS.

It's not about confirming if you have arrived safely which sounds very transactional, I just can't imagine not speaking to my partner even it's just for a couple of minutes to catch up before I went to bed. Even more so if you've been to a funeral, I simply don't understand why you wouldn't want to speak to your husband after a day like that and that is probably why he is upset.

I have to drive 4 hours to visit my parent (it's currently once a month but has been every couple of weeks previously). I always call DH to let him know I've arrived safely as the journey can be a lot longer than 4 hours, or if I can't do that straightaway I call in the evening. I like to hear his voice and be able to tell him how I'm feeling (stressed, unhappy, alone, or whatever) and his calm presence on the phone is so helpful. I don't understand why everyone thinks OPs husband is being needy and I don't understand why OP didn't call him in the evening to share the burden of her grief after the funeral....

Well everyone's different.

But actually, I can't imagine my husband going to a funeral on his own and not messaging him to say "how are you? Hope it went ok. Let me know if you want to talk"

So, if anyone should have been messaging, it should have been HIM imo.

She wasn’t away on a jolly, it was a funeral! And 10 hours of driving in 2 days is exhausting.

It’s fine for him to say ‘Next can you just text so I know you’re ok’ and you say ‘yes sorry it didn’t occur to me’. But him being angry is over the top.

Very convenient that he didn’t see the WhatsApp message. He can’t have been checking his phone for a call or message from you.

I would just catch up with him in person a few hours later. I would probably send a quick message and some point and he probably would to but I wouldn't think it noteworthy if either of us didn't.

I don't have the kind of relationship with my husband where this would bother either of us. If one wants to speak to the other surely there can call or message them? You were at a funeral ffs if he was worried he could have called or messaged you.

DH and I send “All is well. I love you” type messages.

Admittedly we’ve never had to go away separately for a sad reason, but I’d say the onus was on your H to contact you to check you’re okay in this case. He’s being a self-centred dick.

So he was briefly miffed that you didn't call him personally, when he equally failed to call you, and now he's in a strop about your neglectful behaviour. Oh, please. Apologise for being a dickhead first, DH.

I was going to say exactly this, if this was my husband I wouldn't have expected a text while he was at the funeral/wake, I'd have probably messaged him at some point to ask how he was or whatever and if he didn't reply I'd probably message again later on and if I was really worried I'd have rang him. Even if he didn't answer if I knew he was fine (had been tagged on FB for example) I'd probably just say to him that he'd worried me a bit but I wouldn't be pissed off and I'd definitely be asking him how the funeral went/giving him comfort regardless.

Op YANBU at all. You sent a message to the WhatsApp group, I imagine it was emotionally draining and you can absolutely be forgiven for not wanting to chat after a very long day like that. My husband works away and sometimes if one of us is extra tired we skip the nightly facetime/phonecall and neither of us cares. He sounds needy and selfish.

Because everyone is different, some people don't want to chat after an event like that, especially if they've been around people all day. And let's just say your husband didn't ring you in this situation, would you actually be angry with him and not even ask him how the funeral went?

There are 2 types of apology 1. Sorry I did the wrong thing 2. Sorry I unintentionally upset you.

This is a type 2 apology

Id say. "Sorry, I hadnt thought about it like that. If its important ill make more effort to call next time"

@Youcancallmeirrelevanti find that attitude really strange. It takes a few seconds to check in. Both myself and my dh would be really worried if we barely messaged when we are away and we don’t live in each others pockets.

I would certainly have messaged my DH or rung him. However if I hadn’t had chance, he would’ve messaged me asking if I was ok and would never in a million years fall out with me! Jesus…your DH is an arse!

So @NestEmptying you've had a long drive, been to a funeral and are probably feeling a bit wrung out. Yet somehow, your DH thinks he should have been at the top of your to-do list. What a prince! 🙄

It's not as if you weren't in touch, as you put something in your family WhatsApp. He just didn't see it and by the sounds of it he wouldn't have had much time to see or respond to a text or call if you'd sent one.

Let him sulk - if he's going to act like a silly little boy, treat him like one.

There are 2 ends to a phone.

He's an idiot, OP, and you had more important things to think about than massaging his ego. I wouldn't have contacted my husband either, nor would he expect it.
We went away for days pre mobile phones, and just got on with our lives - obviously we wouldn't "assume you were dead". He needs to grow up.

Why did he not see the message on the family group?
He sounds like a petulant toddler who can't bear your attention not on him.

Tedious, dull, unattractive and so needy.
Bet he has form...they usually do.

My favourite way to work out if someone is a narcissist. Big events and they act like a cunt and make it all about themselves while gaslighting you at the same time? Narc.

She was the one at the funeral, who has been driving for hours, who needs to feel cared for. I could imagine him reasonably saying “hey, I didn’t see your post, I was worried about you” if he was actually worried, or messaging her to ask if she arrived ok. But radio silence from him too, while she was at an emotional funeral, and then a mood when she gets back? Not ok. The fact he didn’t message her at all to check, or indeed check his own messages properly, and isn’t following up with actually being worried about her but instead making her feel bad on purpose, tells me he is unreasonable and she’s hard done by here.