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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Newish relationship - Waking me up.

263 replies

isitoverreacting · 05/09/2025 18:22

I don’t know if I’m overreacting or just hyper aware due to my past relationship.

My ex partner used to deliberately stop me from going to sleep. I’m aware it was one of the abuse tactics used along with many others. At the end of the relationship they admitted that they had done that deliberately because they hated to see me rest.

I’ve been seeing someone for just over a year. They know about this part of my last relationship because I have told them.

The new person I’m seeking is often telling me that I work really hard and that I need more rest and sleep.

A few weeks ago, DC was up in the night so I was up with her and it takes me a long time to get back to sleep. I eventually did. Both me and DC was asleep in her room after being up most of the night.

we finally got to sleep at 7am!
soon after, the person I’m seeing came in the room and nudged me awake saying “heh, you ok?”

I was fuming inside. Thinking “why on earth have you woke me up?!”
then DC also woke up. When this happened my partner stood up and said “I’ll let you go back to sleep then”. I said that’s highly unlikely to happen considering both me and DC were now awake

so I basically explained that I’ve been up all night and that I was in DCs room Trying to get her back to sleep and so that I didn’t disturb my partner. I was annoyed to be woken up for absolutely no reason at all.

Anyway, last week, The person I’m seeing stayed over at my house. I got into bed and explained I’m absolutely exhausted. I’ve been working really long days and I was completely and utterly shattered. So I said I need to go to sleep because I’ve got a banging headache and my eyes are stinging because I’m so exhausted. I fell asleep only to be woken up half an hour later by my partner saying “ I think I can hear someone having sex next door” And laughing about it. Again, I was really annoyed because once I wake up, it takes me about two hours to get back to sleep sometimes

I said there is no chance someone’s having sex next door. And it could be the TV or something. But I don’t see it as a reason to wake me up.

i’m aware that I could be completely overreacting with this and I’m hoping it’s not going to happen again. I’d like to think not because I explained that I really need my sleep and when I’m woken up, I can’t get back to sleep.

I don’t think it’s malicious either. I think it’s just a case of not thinking.

OP posts:
OnceIn · 05/09/2025 18:25

I don’t think you are over reacting, he knows your background regarding your ex and is doing the same. I’d sit him down and explain what you have in your op. If he does it again, bin him.

Oldraver · 05/09/2025 18:25

I would be telling him...If you wake me up for anything other than the house is on fire...............you will be gone. And mean it

whattheysay · 05/09/2025 18:27

I don’t know why a person would wake someone up to tell them the neighbours may or may not be having sex.
He’s a grown man he’s got a brain he knows when he’s waking someone up. Sorry but I think he’s doing it on purpose.

Simbaonedaythiswillallbeyours · 05/09/2025 18:28

If you are tired, don't let them stay?

niadainud · 05/09/2025 18:29

Why do you keep writing, "the person I'm seeing" instead of using a pronoun?

Itiswhysofew · 05/09/2025 18:30

That does seem unreasonable. Tell him you don't want to be woken up by him and if he does it again for no good reason, you'll know what he's up to. Hopefully, he's just been a bit thoughtless🙄

summitfever · 05/09/2025 18:32

He’s bored and wanting you awake to entertain him. Aka a selfish ass

Thingyfanding · 05/09/2025 18:32

isitoverreacting · 05/09/2025 18:22

I don’t know if I’m overreacting or just hyper aware due to my past relationship.

My ex partner used to deliberately stop me from going to sleep. I’m aware it was one of the abuse tactics used along with many others. At the end of the relationship they admitted that they had done that deliberately because they hated to see me rest.

I’ve been seeing someone for just over a year. They know about this part of my last relationship because I have told them.

The new person I’m seeking is often telling me that I work really hard and that I need more rest and sleep.

A few weeks ago, DC was up in the night so I was up with her and it takes me a long time to get back to sleep. I eventually did. Both me and DC was asleep in her room after being up most of the night.

we finally got to sleep at 7am!
soon after, the person I’m seeing came in the room and nudged me awake saying “heh, you ok?”

I was fuming inside. Thinking “why on earth have you woke me up?!”
then DC also woke up. When this happened my partner stood up and said “I’ll let you go back to sleep then”. I said that’s highly unlikely to happen considering both me and DC were now awake

so I basically explained that I’ve been up all night and that I was in DCs room Trying to get her back to sleep and so that I didn’t disturb my partner. I was annoyed to be woken up for absolutely no reason at all.

Anyway, last week, The person I’m seeing stayed over at my house. I got into bed and explained I’m absolutely exhausted. I’ve been working really long days and I was completely and utterly shattered. So I said I need to go to sleep because I’ve got a banging headache and my eyes are stinging because I’m so exhausted. I fell asleep only to be woken up half an hour later by my partner saying “ I think I can hear someone having sex next door” And laughing about it. Again, I was really annoyed because once I wake up, it takes me about two hours to get back to sleep sometimes

I said there is no chance someone’s having sex next door. And it could be the TV or something. But I don’t see it as a reason to wake me up.

i’m aware that I could be completely overreacting with this and I’m hoping it’s not going to happen again. I’d like to think not because I explained that I really need my sleep and when I’m woken up, I can’t get back to sleep.

I don’t think it’s malicious either. I think it’s just a case of not thinking.

I would have a chat about how important your sleep is, but also wear an eye mask and ear plugs so it’s really obvious you’re asleep. I’ve started doing that now and it seems to be effective. Also take some melatonin to help you sleep more deeply.

SummerFrog25 · 05/09/2025 18:34

I don't have the background you have with your Ex & I still want to bury him under the patio.

finally, very clear, warning. Wake me up
again, for anything other that an a real emergency. And we are finished. Feel free not to stay if that's beyond you.

outerspacepotato · 05/09/2025 18:36

You found another one who abuses you via sleep deprivation.

You specifically told them you needed sleep and they woke you up a half hour later. That's dump territory. They have zero consideration for you at best.

Original poster
isitoverreacting · 05/09/2025 18:37

I just know I’d never wake someone up for no reason. If I wake up first I’ll make sure I’m quiet etc. I’d never think to go and deliberately wake someone up ever. It seems inconsiderate and selfish. I’ve said clearly that I really need sleep and I rarely get chance for a decent sleep.

I think there are a couple of other issues so this is sort of adding to it I suppose

OP posts:
Youllnevergetabetterbitofbutteronyourknife · 05/09/2025 18:38

isitoverreacting · 05/09/2025 18:37

I just know I’d never wake someone up for no reason. If I wake up first I’ll make sure I’m quiet etc. I’d never think to go and deliberately wake someone up ever. It seems inconsiderate and selfish. I’ve said clearly that I really need sleep and I rarely get chance for a decent sleep.

I think there are a couple of other issues so this is sort of adding to it I suppose

It's totally unacceptable, OP. What are the other issues?

ReplacementBusService · 05/09/2025 18:39

It doesn't sound like you should be in this relationship. Just be with you and your child.

Original poster
isitoverreacting · 05/09/2025 18:40

@Youllnevergetabetterbitofbutteronyourknife
other issues are around money, ambition, and although we’re the same age, seem in different places in our lives really.

OP posts:
mumuseli · 05/09/2025 18:40

niadainud · 05/09/2025 18:29

Why do you keep writing, "the person I'm seeing" instead of using a pronoun?

I guess the OP wants privacy to make it less outing.
There are some posters presuming that the partner is male, but it could be that the partner is female.
Also we don’t know the OP’s gender - it could be a man writing about a female (or male) partner!

SaladAndChipsForTea · 05/09/2025 18:40

Waking you up to hear someone bonk just screams needy and attention seeking.

Plastictreees · 05/09/2025 18:42

I don’t think it’s abusive based on that alone, he could just be a bit thoughtless and not realise that it’ll take you ages to get back to sleep. I would have a frank conversation about this with firm boundaries about him not waking you up.

It seems you’ve got other issues as well as this OP, so the relationship doesn’t seem to have longevity to me.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 05/09/2025 18:43

isitoverreacting · 05/09/2025 18:40

@Youllnevergetabetterbitofbutteronyourknife
other issues are around money, ambition, and although we’re the same age, seem in different places in our lives really.

These things are not easily resolved. Or maybe impossible to resolve.
End it now.

TwistedWonder · 05/09/2025 18:45

I don’t have your history OP but I would be telling him either stop waking me up or fuck off out of my life.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 05/09/2025 18:46

At first I was like - yabu

But now i dont think so - being with someone is adjusting a bit - he needs to respect that you need to sleep

He was probably a bit bored on his own though - maybe be clear before he comes over that you just want to sleep xx

Original poster
isitoverreacting · 05/09/2025 18:46

TwistedWonder · 05/09/2025 18:45

I don’t have your history OP but I would be telling him either stop waking me up or fuck off out of my life.

It was very tempting to do just that!! I was really fuming and felt annoyed all day the first time it happened.

OP posts:
sesquipedalian · 05/09/2025 18:48

OP, throw this one back. There are too many issues too soon in your relationship. Better luck next time!

Original poster
isitoverreacting · 05/09/2025 18:49

@mumofoneAloneandwell

i did make it clear from the beginning. Basically it was a 3 night stay and I made it really clear “you can stay if you want but I’m working all 3 days and I’ll need sleep”. I work from home. And my working days can be really long sometimes so I was working until 8 or 9pm a couple of the nights.

OP posts:
SunnySideDeepDown · 05/09/2025 18:50

I don’t think this relationship is working. He sounds immature.

In the future, personally, I wouldn’t talk about prior abuse tactics with new partners. You don’t want to scream vulnerable. Abusers often seek out easier to abuse women which past relationships can indicate (not always).

mumofoneAloneandwell · 05/09/2025 18:50

isitoverreacting · 05/09/2025 18:49

@mumofoneAloneandwell

i did make it clear from the beginning. Basically it was a 3 night stay and I made it really clear “you can stay if you want but I’m working all 3 days and I’ll need sleep”. I work from home. And my working days can be really long sometimes so I was working until 8 or 9pm a couple of the nights.

Yanbu then girl, tell him he needs to stop it or get to fuck

Tbh, if this is the icing on the cake, just end it

Life is just too short - there are men out there who will respect what youre saying xx