Newish relationship - Waking me up.

[isitoverreacting]

I don’t know if I’m overreacting or just hyper aware due to my past relationship.

My ex partner used to deliberately stop me from going to sleep. I’m aware it was one of the abuse tactics used along with many others. At the end of the relationship they admitted that they had done that deliberately because they hated to see me rest.

I’ve been seeing someone for just over a year. They know about this part of my last relationship because I have told them.

The new person I’m seeking is often telling me that I work really hard and that I need more rest and sleep.

A few weeks ago, DC was up in the night so I was up with her and it takes me a long time to get back to sleep. I eventually did. Both me and DC was asleep in her room after being up most of the night.

we finally got to sleep at 7am!
soon after, the person I’m seeing came in the room and nudged me awake saying “heh, you ok?”

I was fuming inside. Thinking “why on earth have you woke me up?!”
then DC also woke up. When this happened my partner stood up and said “I’ll let you go back to sleep then”. I said that’s highly unlikely to happen considering both me and DC were now awake

so I basically explained that I’ve been up all night and that I was in DCs room Trying to get her back to sleep and so that I didn’t disturb my partner. I was annoyed to be woken up for absolutely no reason at all.

Anyway, last week, The person I’m seeing stayed over at my house. I got into bed and explained I’m absolutely exhausted. I’ve been working really long days and I was completely and utterly shattered. So I said I need to go to sleep because I’ve got a banging headache and my eyes are stinging because I’m so exhausted. I fell asleep only to be woken up half an hour later by my partner saying “ I think I can hear someone having sex next door” And laughing about it. Again, I was really annoyed because once I wake up, it takes me about two hours to get back to sleep sometimes

I said there is no chance someone’s having sex next door. And it could be the TV or something. But I don’t see it as a reason to wake me up.

i’m aware that I could be completely overreacting with this and I’m hoping it’s not going to happen again. I’d like to think not because I explained that I really need my sleep and when I’m woken up, I can’t get back to sleep.

I don’t think it’s malicious either. I think it’s just a case of not thinking.

It’s not thoughtlessness, it’s a “I don’t care how tired you are, my need to talk to you is greater than your need to sleep”! Fuck him off because he has no respect for you or your child

I’d chalk this up to teething issues. You need to lay down the rules of the sleeping patterns / behaviours in your house and what’s appropriate to you. eg - never wake me up for anything other than an emergency; if I’m not in bed I’ll be in with dc and again don’t knock or wake us up; it’s ok to let yourself out without saying bye, etc etc.
If they can’t follow the rules (for the most part - anyone can mess up accidentally from time to time) then maybe you’re not compatible.

It's thoughtless, selfish and unempathetic. Even without being 'abusive' (because from what you've said, it doesn't sound to be) it's still bad.

The only way round it is if you can still find him attractive if you have to spoon feed him empathy and spell it out like he's a child, that you need x hours of sleep and any interruption of that is going to make you extremely ungirlfriendy.

Really, if you were to do that, and his reaction was to sulk/get defensive/gaslight then you know what you need to do. But if he says "aw fuck I'm so sorry I just get so caught up in my feelings and I just want to spend every second I can with you" it's be forgivable but he would still need to learn to put your actual needs (aka to sleep!) first.

He doesn't sound very bright , how old is he ?

I think if you told him not to wake you up he wouldn't wake you up if the house was on fire as he sounds very odd.

Tell him that he can't stay over 😡

Exactly this
If you don't want it to happen again then instill that this is essential to you.
PP saying he is also abusive is a stretch. He probably doesn't even connect the dots to thinking this could be reminding you of your ex as he knows he is far from it. You need to tell him it does and you are strict on it.
From hid point of view he was probably seeing himself as caring checking you are OK after falling asleep in DD bed, maybe even feeling insecure himself as it isn't the norm when a partner stays over for this to happen. Year maybe the 2nd incident was pointless, but he probably wanted to share what he was hearing, and possibly bored.
If you ain't up for guests maybe tell him upfront. I would be very uncomfortable if I had stayed over a partner's house to be finding myself alone at night

You are in another shit relationship with a selfish loser.
Nobody does this accidentally.
It's deliberate.

You no doubt excused abusive behaviour in your last relationship and now you are doing it again.

Get rid of him.
Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Read Women who love too much, by Robin Norwood.

Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft

Get rid of him.

The fact that you specifically told them that your ex did this abusively, and yet they are not super-sensitive to this, makes me rather concerned that they're doing it on purpose...

Even if not, the fact that their need to be entertained or have a chat trumps your need to sleep is not a good sign.

I agree. Being woken up is awful, no way would I put up with that. Does he not like being on his own? Btw, what's with all the 'theys', it was very confusing when you were talking about just one person who must be either a he or a she.

You‘re being unreasonable using “they” instead of just stating the partner’s sex. It makes it very distracting to read your post.

'Them', 'they' and 'their' in the post above yours from Cuddles, PardonMeNot. This is getting out of hand.

Also seems very early to have them with your dc when you're not even in a relationship.

Yep, you’ve only been seeing him a few weeks. Why is he staying over when young dc are in the home?

Aside from this, I don’t think this issue is likely to get better unless you really put your foot down, and even then be aware of being stealthily woken up. I had an insomniac ex who would nudge me awake but not say anything so that I wasn’t sure what had woken me up.

These 'pronoun' games are often a set up for a 'Gotcha! You all assumed it was a man, this just proves Mumsnetters hate men!' I try to circumnavigate those, but wanted to give support in case it's a genuine red flag for abuse.

That okay with you?

Subconsciously or consciously your past sleep issues are the reasons for his idiocy. Don’t waste more of your time with this twat, it isn’t your job to repeatedly state the bloody obvious.

Tell him straight wake me up again for anything none urgent you’ll be ending it he sounds extremely immature and doesn’t care for you're feelings I wouldn’t even want to be with him based on that alone

Is there a reason he has to stay over? Can’t he go to his house at the end of the night?

Id of told him to go home and that he cant stay round anymore after waking you the second tjme, hes doing it on purpose.

I don't think you are overreacting. You've told them about this in your last relationship and they are doing the same thing. First with fake concern and then the second time with "humour". Big red flag. My husband does not have difficulty sleeping, but still when I get up in the morning and he's still asleep I try to be as quiet as possible because rest is important and I want the best for him. He does the same for me.

I'd be analysing the relationship for other red flags because I doubt this is the only one.

He’s not the right one for you op. Let him go.

I'd be careful with that thought process, clever manipulators can pretend they are just bumbling along making mistakes with no malice intended.

'DP' for 'Dear Partner' would fit the bill.

Sorry but why is a person “you’re seeing” staying over while you have DC in the house?

He or she sounds like a weirdo too, who would go any wake someone up if they’re sleeping to say “I think someone is having sex” or “are you ok”?? Maybe the sex one was a hint, yuck.

I agree with this.

My boyfriend would not dream of coming into my child’s bedroom ever. It’s not appropriate.

Additionally, don’t tell new partners too much about abusive ex’s. They will use this information for their benefit if they are also abusive.

He sounds very immature. You don't wake someone up for either of the reasons you've given. I am similar in that I've had experience of someone not letting me sleep and it is so triggering, especially when there's also insomnia involved and it's hard to get back to sleep. Listen to your instincts, give him one more warning?

Yeah I would add to that that: no one can play the bumbling, oblivious twat like an abuser when it suits them.