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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Newish relationship - Waking me up.

263 replies

isitoverreacting · 05/09/2025 18:22

I don’t know if I’m overreacting or just hyper aware due to my past relationship.

My ex partner used to deliberately stop me from going to sleep. I’m aware it was one of the abuse tactics used along with many others. At the end of the relationship they admitted that they had done that deliberately because they hated to see me rest.

I’ve been seeing someone for just over a year. They know about this part of my last relationship because I have told them.

The new person I’m seeking is often telling me that I work really hard and that I need more rest and sleep.

A few weeks ago, DC was up in the night so I was up with her and it takes me a long time to get back to sleep. I eventually did. Both me and DC was asleep in her room after being up most of the night.

we finally got to sleep at 7am!
soon after, the person I’m seeing came in the room and nudged me awake saying “heh, you ok?”

I was fuming inside. Thinking “why on earth have you woke me up?!”
then DC also woke up. When this happened my partner stood up and said “I’ll let you go back to sleep then”. I said that’s highly unlikely to happen considering both me and DC were now awake

so I basically explained that I’ve been up all night and that I was in DCs room Trying to get her back to sleep and so that I didn’t disturb my partner. I was annoyed to be woken up for absolutely no reason at all.

Anyway, last week, The person I’m seeing stayed over at my house. I got into bed and explained I’m absolutely exhausted. I’ve been working really long days and I was completely and utterly shattered. So I said I need to go to sleep because I’ve got a banging headache and my eyes are stinging because I’m so exhausted. I fell asleep only to be woken up half an hour later by my partner saying “ I think I can hear someone having sex next door” And laughing about it. Again, I was really annoyed because once I wake up, it takes me about two hours to get back to sleep sometimes

I said there is no chance someone’s having sex next door. And it could be the TV or something. But I don’t see it as a reason to wake me up.

i’m aware that I could be completely overreacting with this and I’m hoping it’s not going to happen again. I’d like to think not because I explained that I really need my sleep and when I’m woken up, I can’t get back to sleep.

I don’t think it’s malicious either. I think it’s just a case of not thinking.

OP posts:
MonsterBoo · 05/09/2025 23:21

@BatchCookBabe ime of the threads I've seen it's usually because they want to get unbiased opinions as they feel the reactions would be different if it was a woman.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 05/09/2025 23:23

People generally presume others are the same as them in terms of eating and sleeping etc. He is probably a light sleeper who wouldn't mind genuinely if you woke them to tell them something silly because he would just fall back to sleep. Waking you in the morning wasnt an awful thing to do. You are putting your bad experiences with an ex onto a new person and that is unfair. For all you know they could have an ex partner who yelled at them for not waking them and thought they were doing the right thing.

I think you need to emphasise very strongly that this is a huge thing for you and you are never ever to be woken. This is a quirk of yours they need to understand and respect going forward, but i do think you overreacted in the examples given, you are only getting to know each other after all.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 05/09/2025 23:29

Tell him to go home and if you are tired or know you will be telling him he can see you but needs to sleep elsewhere ( and why).

Imbusytodaysorry · 05/09/2025 23:32

@isitoverreacting how well do you know this man staying in your home with your dad there and you asleep ? I wouldn’t b buying ear plugs while he was on my kids home .
He need to be told once more not to waken you , if he does end it.

Zonder · 05/09/2025 23:35

Queenofheart · 05/09/2025 21:15

I agree, this pisses me right off 🤬

Show quote history

I think usually it means it's a same sex relationship and they don't want to include that. Interesting that most people are responding about he/him/bloke. Who knows.

WonderingWanda · 05/09/2025 23:41

YANBU at all. It's bloody annoying when someone wakes you and it was especially rude and inconsiderate of your partner to wake you and your dd.

Chameleonagain · 06/09/2025 00:16

Besides your previous experience at best he sounds immature, selfish and thoughtless.

littleblackdress26 · 06/09/2025 00:23

Is it just me being overly cautious but I wouldn't let a man that I've been seeing for just over 12 months stay at my home where my children reside .
I think he's using your trauma against you .

BountifulPantry · 06/09/2025 17:47

Number 1 never ever say to a new partner that you’ve been abused. It will attract people who are abusive . If they ask about previous relationships literally just say you stopped seeing eye to eye so you called it quits.

Number 2 if you’re not comfortable with any behaviour you’re seeing from them then get them out of your life NOW. Your body is telling you something is wrong- listen to it.

BunnyVV · 06/09/2025 17:52

He’s completely oblivious to your needs. It’s not intentional. He obviously has some kind of attention deficit. He has decided to wake you without thinking about the impact or the consequences.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/09/2025 18:08

OnceIn · 05/09/2025 18:25

I don’t think you are over reacting, he knows your background regarding your ex and is doing the same. I’d sit him down and explain what you have in your op. If he does it again, bin him.

This... Two strikes.. how many more?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 06/09/2025 18:13

isitoverreacting · 05/09/2025 20:51

@whatisheupto
i do think it’s thoughtlessness rather than something malicious or abusive. But it’s still really frustrating.

But you have told them several times and explained in advance about your three day shift and how tired you were... so if its thoughtlessness he must have the thickest of thick skins.

How many other things are you going to have to explain several times to no effect.

FreebieWallopFridge · 06/09/2025 18:14

“The next time you wake me up for no reason we’re done. I’m not joking and you doing it is that big of a deal. Stop it.”

Sadworld23 · 06/09/2025 18:15

Trust your gut feeling.

Woompund · 06/09/2025 18:17

I'm like you about sleep and if someone did this to me after I told them not to I would not be able to get over it. I would never sleep again with them in the house because I would be expecting it to happen at any time. Genuinely would ruin my sleep permanently.

MeAndMyGhost · 06/09/2025 18:23

This partner doesn't sound very bright.

Throw them back and focus on resting/recovering from your previous relationship.

CautiousLurker01 · 06/09/2025 18:28

It sounds to me as though you have fallen into a relationship with another needy, abusive partner. He/she knows what your triggers are, knows your background, and is ignoring what you have asked of them.

I’m afraid that if you aren’t prepared to bin them then you need to tell him/her(?) that staying over is no longer possible and stick to date nights.

Bonsatater · 06/09/2025 18:35

The only thing is she may not hear her child if she needs her

Frogs88 · 06/09/2025 18:42

Even if they didn’t know your history it’s really inconsiderate to wake someone up for no reason. I don’t think a normal rational person would wake someone up for a trivial conversation when that person has already told them that they are exhausted and have a headache. At minimum they are inconsiderate and needy.

Vynalbob · 06/09/2025 18:45

This is weird, it's almost as if you've told him about the ex and it's stuck in his head. Like saying to a toddler don't press that big red button then nipping to get treats.... he's the type that has to keep pressing the dam button.

Imo not looking good

johnd2 · 06/09/2025 18:50

People who can go to sleep at the drop off a hat don't realise that other people have issues. Empathy is not automatic if they haven't gone through the experience them self.
I think clear communication is essential here, I know it's extra effort when someone doesn't get it, but that's the solution.
If it turns out to be too much effort overall with all the different things then the relationship isn't for you.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 06/09/2025 19:01

Maybe he wants sex which isn’t nice to think about. I hate being woken up too. Be clear with him it’s not to happen again. He should want you to rest when you need it. He should protect your peace.

GiveDogBone · 06/09/2025 19:10

YABU. It’s not unreasonable to wake someone up at 7 in the morning and see if they’re ok.

YANBU. It is unreasonable to wake someone up and tell them the neighbours may be having sex.

Finally, the person doing the waking is probably a woman given the way the post is written, so the MN man-haters might want to change their responses.

Buzzy1234 · 06/09/2025 19:18

Never tell a partner about previous abuse. And when you have to explain basics about needing sleep, they’ve got to go.

helenatroy · 06/09/2025 19:27

Michael McIntyre once said you should only wake a woman up for two reasons. 1 a celebrity is dead and 2 it’s snowing! Agree with him. After 20 odd years together my DH would know he’s dancing with danger if he wakes me up. Be clear to your new partner. He just might not get it.