Newish relationship - Waking me up.

[isitoverreacting]

I don’t know if I’m overreacting or just hyper aware due to my past relationship.

My ex partner used to deliberately stop me from going to sleep. I’m aware it was one of the abuse tactics used along with many others. At the end of the relationship they admitted that they had done that deliberately because they hated to see me rest.

I’ve been seeing someone for just over a year. They know about this part of my last relationship because I have told them.

The new person I’m seeking is often telling me that I work really hard and that I need more rest and sleep.

A few weeks ago, DC was up in the night so I was up with her and it takes me a long time to get back to sleep. I eventually did. Both me and DC was asleep in her room after being up most of the night.

we finally got to sleep at 7am!
soon after, the person I’m seeing came in the room and nudged me awake saying “heh, you ok?”

I was fuming inside. Thinking “why on earth have you woke me up?!”
then DC also woke up. When this happened my partner stood up and said “I’ll let you go back to sleep then”. I said that’s highly unlikely to happen considering both me and DC were now awake

so I basically explained that I’ve been up all night and that I was in DCs room Trying to get her back to sleep and so that I didn’t disturb my partner. I was annoyed to be woken up for absolutely no reason at all.

Anyway, last week, The person I’m seeing stayed over at my house. I got into bed and explained I’m absolutely exhausted. I’ve been working really long days and I was completely and utterly shattered. So I said I need to go to sleep because I’ve got a banging headache and my eyes are stinging because I’m so exhausted. I fell asleep only to be woken up half an hour later by my partner saying “ I think I can hear someone having sex next door” And laughing about it. Again, I was really annoyed because once I wake up, it takes me about two hours to get back to sleep sometimes

I said there is no chance someone’s having sex next door. And it could be the TV or something. But I don’t see it as a reason to wake me up.

i’m aware that I could be completely overreacting with this and I’m hoping it’s not going to happen again. I’d like to think not because I explained that I really need my sleep and when I’m woken up, I can’t get back to sleep.

I don’t think it’s malicious either. I think it’s just a case of not thinking.

100%

At the very best they are thoughtless. At worst, they are doing this because they know it's upsetting to you. Neither are attractive traits in a new partner.

I think deep down you know the answer here.

Has he ever done anything else unkind? I’d be thinking of splitting up with him over this.

Please get rid of that dumb fucker. Life too short

So it’s happened more than once and you are wondering if you are unreasonable. It’s not going to get any better - when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
They also woke up your child. Just what your child needs, a parents partner who is an arse.

You can’t imagine how unpleasant I can get if I don’t get enough sleep. A really filthy temper.

So I’d have given OPs friend the following warning: One more time you try this on right then you’re out. Get it?

i would dump someone for this.

Exactly this. I would cool right off and if they chase then tell them why.

It's not thoughtlessness. It's a deliberate way of assessing how much you can take. Narcissistics do that all the time and usually choose something that wouldn't be seen as abuse. So when you react to their behaviour, they can call you "crazy", "over reacting".

Then you start doubting yourself, considering if you are the problem. They love bomb you, act as the best partner ever and you convinced yourself that you did overreacted, that you might be the problem. They were just "thoughtless"....

They repeat the cycle so many times and each time, use the past experiences to "prove" that you are the problem. At this point you are stuck in a cycle of guilt, gaslighting, self doubting, etc.

If they had woken you up once, I would say it was without malice, but so many times is 100% malicious.

Having been in an abusive relationship myself in the past, I know that I personally struggled once I got into my next relationship to really be clear in my communication and assertive on my boundaries. I'd often keep annoyance / upset to myself, downplay it, or just be kind of vague / non-confrontational.

Is there any chance this is happening?

In your shoes, I'd take your partner aside and ask why they think it's ok to wake you up. Genuinely listen to what they say.

Then explain really assertively and clearly that you do not ever want to be woken up again for any reason that isn't a life or death emergency.

You don't need to qualify it by re-explaining that this is a trigger point for you, and why, but you can if you want to. I disagree with the few posters who have said you shouldn't tell a new partner about abuse triggers. It's your experience, you can tell a partner if and when you trust them, and that's up to you to decide. And it's also a good way of seeing whether someone is able to be mature, kind and sensitive, and consider your triggers.

They sound immature and needy, but it could also be that you are seething on the inside and not really being direct or clear in laying down your boundaries?

Same. It affects how I answer.

He was checking on you he was worried. Are you sure you're ready for a relationship. You have to try not to bring your past relationship back up. Are your children your ex's?

Checking on her? She was asleep in the bedroom with her child. What was he worried about?!

If it was me I would be asking why wouldn't I. Did something happen is she okay? It's natural to ask questions when you are concerned.

She has children as well and a new man is sleeping in the bedroom next door to where her child is. Her child is probably confused. I think it's right that he asked and her reaction wasn't right. The whole set up feels wrong. I feel sorry for her child/children. She needs to get to know him first before having him around her children.

a new relationship who came into my child’s room and woke me and themup clearly deliberately is another ABUSER

I agree.

Your post makes no sense 🫤

If you genuinely like hom and think it is not malicious. Next time when you're going to sleep. Tell him to not wake you up unless there is an emergency. Straight up. If he still does it, you can tell him to fuck off.

Sleep is so important to me. I don’t think I have ever purposely woken anyone in my life, I can’t even think of why anyone would do that. It’s absolutely cruel.

when I got together with my husband, we went in holidays. I was absolutely besotted with him, he set his alarm to wake up early the first morning. I said ‘what did you set the alarm for?’ He said ‘just so I could roll over and go back to sleep as I am on holiday’

I told him straight that if he ever woke me again unnecessarily, we were finished.
And I meant it. He never did it again.

I would give one warning, and then end the relationship if someone woke me up again.

Even if it was Brad Pitt.

'I’ve been seeing someone for just over a year'

and this person has already met your child
and has stayed over whilst your child is at home

and ' my partner stood up '

so is this person someone you are ' seeing ' or a ' partner '

I don't know you or how you live. Of course it makes no sense to you. If my partner left me and my children tomorrow I wouldn't let a man who I barely know stay for a few nights with me and my children. I would see him on my own and would allow him to stay when the children are either with their father or other family members.

Edit my childrens mental health and wellbeing comes first before any man. The op should not have had her boyfriend sleeping over while her child is in the house.

Alright. How is that related to him waking her, though? You stated that he was concerned. About what?

OP, it’s not clear from your posts, have you said ‘I do not like this, stop doing it’ to this person at any point? If not, why not?

What was your reaction when they woke you to inform you people next door might be having sex? Were you annoyed? Did you state that wasn’t a reason to wake you? If not, why not?

You shouldn’t have to do any of this. However, your apparent lack of reaction is a bit confusing. Have you directly addressed his behaviour at any point?

He doesn't know why she is sleeping with her daughter. It could be him it's in his interest to ask. Is she comfortable sleeping with a man she barely knows in the house.

I can't offer any advice, but I've come to the conclusion I don't wake up well. Every guy I've ever gone out with is terrified to wake me up. So much so that I'd gone to the cinema to see Gladiator when it first came out - reallywanted to see it. Opened my eyes to an empty cinema and people cleaning. Asked why BF didn't wake me up - "you were asleep." I was sorting out medication levels for underactive thyroid at the time and going through spells where I physically could not stay awake, regardless of how much I tried. But that wasn't why he didn't wake me up, he was too scared to.

It's a response that has been repeated a lot. It seems no one is game to wake me up. So I've had to conclude I don't wake up well.

Please listen to your instinct op that this is deliberate

It sounds also alarming that a newish relationship involves access to your home with a young child??