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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Newish relationship - Waking me up.

263 replies

isitoverreacting · 05/09/2025 18:22

I don’t know if I’m overreacting or just hyper aware due to my past relationship.

My ex partner used to deliberately stop me from going to sleep. I’m aware it was one of the abuse tactics used along with many others. At the end of the relationship they admitted that they had done that deliberately because they hated to see me rest.

I’ve been seeing someone for just over a year. They know about this part of my last relationship because I have told them.

The new person I’m seeking is often telling me that I work really hard and that I need more rest and sleep.

A few weeks ago, DC was up in the night so I was up with her and it takes me a long time to get back to sleep. I eventually did. Both me and DC was asleep in her room after being up most of the night.

we finally got to sleep at 7am!
soon after, the person I’m seeing came in the room and nudged me awake saying “heh, you ok?”

I was fuming inside. Thinking “why on earth have you woke me up?!”
then DC also woke up. When this happened my partner stood up and said “I’ll let you go back to sleep then”. I said that’s highly unlikely to happen considering both me and DC were now awake

so I basically explained that I’ve been up all night and that I was in DCs room Trying to get her back to sleep and so that I didn’t disturb my partner. I was annoyed to be woken up for absolutely no reason at all.

Anyway, last week, The person I’m seeing stayed over at my house. I got into bed and explained I’m absolutely exhausted. I’ve been working really long days and I was completely and utterly shattered. So I said I need to go to sleep because I’ve got a banging headache and my eyes are stinging because I’m so exhausted. I fell asleep only to be woken up half an hour later by my partner saying “ I think I can hear someone having sex next door” And laughing about it. Again, I was really annoyed because once I wake up, it takes me about two hours to get back to sleep sometimes

I said there is no chance someone’s having sex next door. And it could be the TV or something. But I don’t see it as a reason to wake me up.

i’m aware that I could be completely overreacting with this and I’m hoping it’s not going to happen again. I’d like to think not because I explained that I really need my sleep and when I’m woken up, I can’t get back to sleep.

I don’t think it’s malicious either. I think it’s just a case of not thinking.

OP posts:
Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 05/09/2025 19:55

Just stop him staying over.. Simple. No need to end things just yet..

TootSweeties · 05/09/2025 20:22

Why is it relevant whether OP is seeing a man or a woman?

In any case, at the very least, their behaviour is beyond annoying and stretching into needy territory. Also careless and thoughtless…especially given your history. Maybe take the foot off the gas for a few days and see how you feel? A bit of space…

whatisheupto · 05/09/2025 20:40

Op don't keep blaming it on yourself "needing your sleep". You make it sound like you are the problem. The problem is him being stupid... or thoughtless at best, abusive at worst.
This is not about you "needing sleep" any more than anyone else.

Original poster
isitoverreacting · 05/09/2025 20:51

@whatisheupto
i do think it’s thoughtlessness rather than something malicious or abusive. But it’s still really frustrating.

OP posts:
Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 05/09/2025 20:57

Oldraver · 05/09/2025 18:25

I would be telling him...If you wake me up for anything other than the house is on fire...............you will be gone. And mean it

In a nutshell. It sounds like you’ve never explicitly said “don’t wake me up” so it’s impossible to say with any uncertainty whether he’s being malicious or is a bit clueless and doesn’t make the connection between “I’m exhausted” and “do not disturb”.

Say exactly what you mean and then there is no ambiguity over his subsequent actions.

Coldnightsapproachingwhereismyduvet · 05/09/2025 21:05

They think they are more important than you..
My exh used to shower loudly at 6am when I didn't need to get up until 7.30. His way of telling me his Important Job was more important than my sleep.

Strawbaler · 05/09/2025 21:08

You don’t need a bloke in your life op

focus on you, your happiness, your health and your lovely kids

Queenofheart · 05/09/2025 21:15

niadainud · 05/09/2025 18:29

Why do you keep writing, "the person I'm seeing" instead of using a pronoun?

I agree, this pisses me right off 🤬

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 05/09/2025 21:29

OP you need to spell it out really clearly that if he EVER wakes you up he's straight out of the door. Personally, I'd have told him to go home, for 1. Waking me up; 2. Waking up DC; and 3. Coming into DC's bedroom. Do not allow him to do this EVER again, it is your DC's safe space, this man has no right to be there.
Either you are far too passive, or this is a wind up.
If it isn't a wind up, then your boundaries are non existent, and maybe you should get yourself some counselling and get out of this relationship.

LightandBreezy · 05/09/2025 21:47

Get rid. It's not kind/ thoughtful behaviour.

TwistedWonder · 05/09/2025 21:55

Why on earth is the onus the OP to have to explain to a grown adult man that waking a sleeping person up for a pointless reason isn’t acceptable?

I mean come on - he’s not a child. Anyone who has reached adulthood without knowing normal behaviour shouldn’t be in a grown up relationship.

Nearly50omg · 05/09/2025 22:09

You have found another abuser - have you done the freedom programme through women’s aid and actually learnt anything from your previous abusive relationships? That and your child need to take priority!

a new relationship who came into my child’s room and woke me and them
up clearly deliberately is another ABUSER

Plastictreees · 05/09/2025 22:10

I think the word abuser is being used too liberally in this thread tbh.

Friendlygingercat · 05/09/2025 22:10

I would be telling his "listen this is twice you have woken me up. Next time untess its the three minute warning you are history"

And I would mean it.

SomewhatAnnoyed · 05/09/2025 22:38

Is your partner a man or a woman, you haven’t said

Superfoodie123 · 05/09/2025 22:49

You've told him what your ex did now he's doing it too.

He's trying to push your buttons

financialcareerstuff · 05/09/2025 22:54

My very wonderful DH of seven years did this in our first few months together. He actually woke me in the middle of the night to ask if I wanted a glass of water…. He said the room had got so hot he was worried I’d end up dehydrated….. really????? I couldn’t believe it, because just like you my sleep is precious. He’s the opposite- he falls asleep very easily and always says I can wake him any time, stick the lights/tv on etc…. And genuinely he doesn’t mind. But he knows now that only emergencies are an acceptable reason to intentionally wake me and he respects that.

so OP, be super clear with him. If he respects it from now on, great…. If not, then not acceptable.

MonsterBoo · 05/09/2025 22:58

Why do people keep saying it's a man? The op has deliberately avoided saying man or woman which leads me to believe it's a woman (usually the reason people do this)

melissa30 · 05/09/2025 23:05

My DH is like this! He just doesn’t think! And they feel the need to have you awake with them, he wakes me up to say he heard a noise. And he knows I get insomnia so badly but we’ve lasted 22 years so far, it normally ends in me telling him in a ratty tone at the time to stop waking me and he stops for a while, communication is key tell him!

BatchCookBabe · 05/09/2025 23:06

MonsterBoo · 05/09/2025 22:58

Why do people keep saying it's a man? The op has deliberately avoided saying man or woman which leads me to believe it's a woman (usually the reason people do this)

Why does the OP not just say so then?

I agree with the posters saying that the constant use of 'they' and 'the person I am seeing' is very jarring, and makes the OP's posts hard work to read. And quite annoying.

All I will say @isitoverreacting is you need to ditch this person, as you have entered into another toxic relationship with someone who is doing the exact same (abusive) thing as your last partner. I also wonder why they were in your child's bedroom at 7am, waking you and your child.

Very odd behaviour from them!

Crazycatladywithnocats · 05/09/2025 23:09

I’ve never heard of sleep deprivation being used as a form of abuse. What a horrible thing to do and how nasty. I’m not surprised you’re worried OP, he’s aware you’re hyper sensitive about this and he should be respectful of that.

justasking111 · 05/09/2025 23:10

Oldraver · 05/09/2025 18:25

I would be telling him...If you wake me up for anything other than the house is on fire...............you will be gone. And mean it

Mine is well trained I'm a snarling tiger if woken

RosesAndHellebores · 05/09/2025 23:12

isitoverreacting · 05/09/2025 18:40

@Youllnevergetabetterbitofbutteronyourknife
other issues are around money, ambition, and although we’re the same age, seem in different places in our lives really.

Chuck them back @isitoverreacting. They aren't going to turn into a Prince or Princess.

DoctorMarten · 05/09/2025 23:14

Don’t put up with it. He doesn’t care about you and your welfare.

Whomitmayconcern · 05/09/2025 23:19

SunnySideDeepDown · 05/09/2025 18:50

I don’t think this relationship is working. He sounds immature.

In the future, personally, I wouldn’t talk about prior abuse tactics with new partners. You don’t want to scream vulnerable. Abusers often seek out easier to abuse women which past relationships can indicate (not always).

This-sadly it is true