Newish relationship - Waking me up.

[isitoverreacting]

I don’t know if I’m overreacting or just hyper aware due to my past relationship.

My ex partner used to deliberately stop me from going to sleep. I’m aware it was one of the abuse tactics used along with many others. At the end of the relationship they admitted that they had done that deliberately because they hated to see me rest.

I’ve been seeing someone for just over a year. They know about this part of my last relationship because I have told them.

The new person I’m seeking is often telling me that I work really hard and that I need more rest and sleep.

A few weeks ago, DC was up in the night so I was up with her and it takes me a long time to get back to sleep. I eventually did. Both me and DC was asleep in her room after being up most of the night.

we finally got to sleep at 7am!
soon after, the person I’m seeing came in the room and nudged me awake saying “heh, you ok?”

I was fuming inside. Thinking “why on earth have you woke me up?!”
then DC also woke up. When this happened my partner stood up and said “I’ll let you go back to sleep then”. I said that’s highly unlikely to happen considering both me and DC were now awake

so I basically explained that I’ve been up all night and that I was in DCs room Trying to get her back to sleep and so that I didn’t disturb my partner. I was annoyed to be woken up for absolutely no reason at all.

Anyway, last week, The person I’m seeing stayed over at my house. I got into bed and explained I’m absolutely exhausted. I’ve been working really long days and I was completely and utterly shattered. So I said I need to go to sleep because I’ve got a banging headache and my eyes are stinging because I’m so exhausted. I fell asleep only to be woken up half an hour later by my partner saying “ I think I can hear someone having sex next door” And laughing about it. Again, I was really annoyed because once I wake up, it takes me about two hours to get back to sleep sometimes

I said there is no chance someone’s having sex next door. And it could be the TV or something. But I don’t see it as a reason to wake me up.

i’m aware that I could be completely overreacting with this and I’m hoping it’s not going to happen again. I’d like to think not because I explained that I really need my sleep and when I’m woken up, I can’t get back to sleep.

I don’t think it’s malicious either. I think it’s just a case of not thinking.

Why is a new ‘person you’re seeing’ taking it upon themselves to come into your daughter’s room at 7am?

Had they stayed over the night before and therefore been aware of what a bad night you’d both had sleep wise?

I know mumsnet is a bit judgy and strict on not letting new partners into kids lives for a long time, and I admit I’m inclined to agree with that viewpoint. But I’m not necessarily saying it for that - to me it seems a bit of a disparity between calling him just ‘someone you’re seeing’ and having him there overnight when your daughter is there, having him just come into her room etc when she (and you) are asleep.

The waking you up could be in all innocence but it’s still thoughtless and not showing a real understanding of your needs. Combine that with the other issues you mention I’d be inclined to let this one go.

I have no history of abuse and I’d be fucking furious. You are bit overreacting.

I think I’d say, very seriously, don’t ever wake me up again. And if he did, get rid.

@AliasGrape
yes they’d stayed the night before and was aware I’d had a bad night. Came in apparently to ask if I was okay because I was in DC’s room to which I replied “I stayed in here to get DC back to sleep and to not disturb you”. But then DC also woke up so we were both awake then

I could excuse the first time as maybe he didn't realise you'd been up all night with DC and might have thought you'd be more comfortable in your own bed/needed to be up etc I wouldn't be happy but I could excuse it and move on. The second time however is a huge no for me and I would be furious, even without your history (which he bloody well knows!) there was absolutely no need to wake you in that instance and I'd be making it very clear that one more strike and hes out, whether that's no more sleepovers or the end of the relationship is up to you but no way would I accept a third wake up unless there was blood, a fire, or someone was dying

Seems really odd.

If they're new and just someone you're seeing then it should be still fun and butterflies not, going to sleep in silence because you've got a banging headache.

Also seems very early to have them with your dc when you're not even in a relationship.

@RabbitsEatPancakes
there is lots of fun. I’d worked really long hours which is why I had a headache and was tired. It obviously isn’t always like that.

Hi OP, you’ve either got yourself an idiot. Or he’s another abuser

I don’t like this at all - especially when you’ve shared your past abuse.

I don’t have your history and this would still enrage me. Sleep is sacred to me and if my partner did this it would make me seriously resent them staying at my house.

You haven’t said so explicitly but - reading between the lines - I suspect you also have the higher pressure job. That would make me even more resentful that they see you working longer hours under more stress and still feel entitled to wake you to suit their whims.

If I were you, I’d be absolutely clear and give them one last chance. But I also think you’d be totally reasonable to call it quits now. Maybe it’s because I’m perimenopausal - but good sleep is more fundamental to a happy life than a partner. Especially an inconsiderate one!

It’s not normal to purposely wake someone unless you a) know they really don’t mind -for instance my husband doesn’t mind if I wake him for a cuddle when I get in from seeing friends, I know because he told
me b) have an emergency c) know it’s the time the need to get up and haven’t woken. Tell them not to wake you unless b or c are true, if they continue to wake you they are either abusive (depriving of sleep is abuse) or too stupid to be in a relationship with someone like you.

@wfhwfh
my job is definitely high pressure, stressful and sometimes hard to switch off from. So I really need to try and have downtime which isn’t easy. They sometimes stay when DC is staying with my ex.

we have totally different jobs and life stresses which is why we seem in quite different places. But we do get on.

@Surveille222
this is what annoyed me so much. If it was me in that position, I would read a book, watch telly, go on my phone, anything other than wake the other person up. And I don’t understand why they couldn’t just entertain themselves. But instead, came in, sat on the bed, started nudging at my leg saying “heeeeey…. You okay?” And I just couldn’t believe it.

Then, as we were leaving the house to go out, they said to me “ Are you sure you’re okay to go out today?” So I said, I’m just really really tired because I’ve had no sleep. To which they replied “ Yes, you could really do with an early night” which made my blood boil.

@Surveille222 and while it’s lovely being offered a cup of tea… I really wouldn’t want to be woken up for one either!

This would make me very wary, no excuse at all to be waking you up.

I've been with my husband a long time and I don't think he's ever deliberately woken me up (I have trouble getting back to sleep) and he knows not to.

Don’t tell new partners about previous partner’s abuse tactics. No details are required, just it didn’t work/they weren’t nice.

I don’t think you should have the new partner round on work nights or around your DC yet. Especially if you have a niggling feeling they might be abusive. New relationships are supposed to be fun, this arrangement sounds tedious and unfulfilling.

I could understand popping their head in to check where you were. But nudging your leg to ask if you’re ok when you’re clearly sleeping is moronic. At worst, it’s deliberately cruel and, at best, it’s needy and childish. It would be acceptable behaviour for a 5-year old but I would expect a 12-year old to have more emotional intelligence, honestly.

I literally do not understand why this person is in your house? Around your child/ren? Be single and recover from your previous abusive relationship instead of having more toxic shit going on. It’s abusive to wake someone up like that because the intention is then gaslit away and makes you feel like you can’t say anything. Who wakes someone knackered up to tell them about next door? You’ve convinced yourself it’s not malicious, but it’s unlikely. As a bare minimum this person is an idiot.

Just tell him that you're really pissed off that he keeps waking you up for no good reason!

Tell him to pack it in or fuck off out of your life. Last warning.

Are you seeing a man or a woman?

This is why I would never tell new partners that I was in an abusive relationship if I had been, some people just see it as an opportunity to do the same and see you as weak.

YANBU. They are thoughtless and/or cruel. If you’re that tired I would tell them not to visit.

Bin then off.

Seriously after only a year together they're being a knob.

never put up with that. Sleep is massively important. Definitely dump him.

Sounds like they are jealous - you spent all that time working/caring for your child and then dared to want to go to sleep and not give them all your attention instead.

Whether this is a male or a female partner, you do not want to be lumbered with somebody who, even if they aren't thinking 'ha, ha, let's keep the bitch awake, that'll show her' is thick enough to think that it's their time for attention now and it has absolutely nothing to do with them that you're exhausted.

Dump. Get some sleep.

I suspect OP is seeing a man. But I don’t think it changes anything if OP is seeing a woman (and whether they are a man or a woman themselves).

Either way, the new partner is equally bad