To ditch a friend for cheating on her OH?

[SeenHerSelina]

Been best friends since each of our first kids were born 16 years ago, I thought I knew everything about her. Always thought her OH was a bit quiet, maybe even unsociable but that contradicts all the stories about him from my friend about how outgoing he was before kids came along, and maybe quite naturally kids changed all that. BY all accounts though he’s a nice bloke, good Dad and very attentive and romantic to his OH.

I’ve been out occasionally with my friend over the years, she attracts the attention of men but nothing unusual in that I guess.

Through a mutual friend I heard what I thought/hoped was an unthinkable rumour that she’d been unfaithful with someone it turns out we both know. When I put it to her thinking it was scandalous, she told it was true and the details even more gruesome than rumoured. She then went on to reveal that before they had kids she’d been cheating behind his back for years.

I’m totally shocked and struggling to see her the same way I did before. I can’t help but feel deceived, but I also feel completely stupid for judging her OH.

There is one occasion that I can’t get out of my head a few years ago when I left her walking back from a night out with a guy. A few weeks later her OH made passing reference about her coming home the following morning, assuming she’d stayed at mine. I haven’t asked her about it, I almost don’t want to know.

AIBU to just ditch her as a friend?

Cheaters are always the shittiest people, I’d also ditch the friendship.

I agree I hate cheats and liars so I couldn’t stay friends with someone who has the traits I find despicable in a person.

I just wouldn't want to be anywhere near such drama.
People split up, that's fine.
But affairs and all that, no thanks.
Don't want it near my life.

Scandalous AND gruesome details! What did she do? Is there a man walking without his willy somewhere out there?

But the only current drama is the OP bringing it up with her friend, and looking up the social media of the affair partner, and starting a Mn thread — the actual affair appears to have ended a long time ago.

I have acquaintances where a more superficial relationship is based on circumstance, but my true friendships are dependent on shared values. If I have to be around a cheat and cannot avoid it then I guess I could probably be civil, but they would never be friends.

If you are being drawn into the deceit, either deliberately or through uncorrected assumptions, that's pretty unforgivable.

I would support my friend. She’s clearly got a lot to deal with.

I know lots of people will says it’s none of your business…..

but having been put in a similar situation, my advice is back off as quickly as possible

before you take on anything you don’t want to (for example becoming an alibi - which it sounds like she’s made you into anyway)

the lies get bigger and bigger . In my case I had her husband ringing and arriving at my house in the night looking for her 🙄

I too wanted to support my best friend get out of a tricky situation- but actually ended up being a bloody enabler , not willingly I might add !

our husbands were also friends and the stress on all of us 😞

never ever again. She wasn’t a friend .

honestly, I think it’s a type of person that cheats and they are selfish users . Telling so many lies they can’t tell what’s true anymore!

Not unreasonable to ditch a friend whose values don’t align with yours. It’s not as if this was a single ONS, she’s a serial cheater.

So why not try to address that problem, rather than having affairs?

To dump her for for this means you aren’t much of a friend to her. She’s better off without you and period vice versa, so enjoy that position from your high horse.

If you end the friendship, are you planning on telling her you’re going to ditch her and why? Or will you take the coward’s way out and ghost or slow fade her?

Stop being so judgemental op

I hope you've never made a bad decision or a mistake in your life

I feel for you, @SeenHerSelina but I don't think this is a black and white situation.

I'm thinking of my own friends now and I can categorically say that I have three who I wouldn't end friendships with. I wouldn't like that they did it, but I know them and love them and no, I couldn't turn my back on them even for this. I'd question it because it would be very much out of character.

I’d be sacking her off and would have no problem telling her why.

Can’t stand people that cheat. They belong in the gutter as far as I’m concerned.

You are being completely ridiculous. Ditch a friend for any reason, you don't have to stay friends with anyone you don't want, but why are you so invested?

I'm struggling to know how I'll react when I see her OH without bursting into tears.

Again, don't stay friends with her, but you really need a life.

Don't gaslight the OP into thinking she is being "judgmental" when she feels uncomfortable because her friend is displaying qualities & behaviours that cross a boundary for her.

As a pp up thread said, we all use our judgement in this way when navigating relationships and friendships, it's literally how we all survive in the world.

Its not gaslighting to point out the op is being judgemental when she is.

Serial cheating is more than a single mistake or bad decision isn’t it?

Agree. Ending a friendship because your boundaries and standards don’t align is absolutely valid imo

I hate cheats and liars so for me, staying friends with someone who has those traits would make me a hypocrite

She's making a judgement, yes, based on her own feelings and values but I don't think it makes her "judgemental" in the way I think you mean.

being ready to burst into tears? Bit much.

It's not her own husband who cheated!

I’m judgemental about serial cheating because I love my friends.

I have one who become suicidal dealing with the cheat in her life, with a young child, another who developed PTSD, neither had had any mental health concerns before they were victims of a cheat.

i know what friendship looks like for me!

My friends are my freinds for life. We have all supported each other through all sorts of happy times. Sad times. Affairs divorces etc etc
none of us are judgemental but we are all honest and wouldn’t hesitate to share our disapproval. I wouldn’t dream of telling my husband/partner their secrets. Life’s all shades of grey not black and white and I love my girly support network and would support them with anything. We have all been freinds for over 40 years.

So if you knew one of your friends was cheating with the husband of another member of your group what would you do? Support both of them?

It depends on the circumstances and there could be extenuating ones. But sustained cheating with no obvious reason or remorse, I would fine it difficult to continue to trust that person.