To ditch a friend for cheating on her OH?

[SeenHerSelina]

Been best friends since each of our first kids were born 16 years ago, I thought I knew everything about her. Always thought her OH was a bit quiet, maybe even unsociable but that contradicts all the stories about him from my friend about how outgoing he was before kids came along, and maybe quite naturally kids changed all that. BY all accounts though he’s a nice bloke, good Dad and very attentive and romantic to his OH.

I’ve been out occasionally with my friend over the years, she attracts the attention of men but nothing unusual in that I guess.

Through a mutual friend I heard what I thought/hoped was an unthinkable rumour that she’d been unfaithful with someone it turns out we both know. When I put it to her thinking it was scandalous, she told it was true and the details even more gruesome than rumoured. She then went on to reveal that before they had kids she’d been cheating behind his back for years.

I’m totally shocked and struggling to see her the same way I did before. I can’t help but feel deceived, but I also feel completely stupid for judging her OH.

There is one occasion that I can’t get out of my head a few years ago when I left her walking back from a night out with a guy. A few weeks later her OH made passing reference about her coming home the following morning, assuming she’d stayed at mine. I haven’t asked her about it, I almost don’t want to know.

AIBU to just ditch her as a friend?

because it is causing her to consider whether she does love or value her friend?

her good opinion of her was based on what she knew of her friend at that time.

now she has additional information that has caused her to re-evaluate who the friend actually is.

cheaters are rarely nice people.

presumably you wouldn't consider it unreasonable to end a friendship if you found out a friend repeatedly and without other moral qualms did something else you considered morally reprehensible - was abusive towards her children, racist, compulsive liar, rude to service staff, shoplifted despite not having financial issues, etc?

I’ve never considered that happening and hope it never would, Quite honestly don’t know.

I wouldn’t end a friendship over this

I notice this tendency a lot on Mn — the othering and weird demonising of people having extramarital relationships. They are just like everyone else. They are deeply ordinary, doing something fairly widespread.

No, it’s not the ‘nicest’ thing to do by any means, obviously, but neither are many behaviours routinely described on here (without being demonised to anywhere near the same extent).

I would take DH having an affair over the kinds of boorish, misogynistic, emotionally-subnormal, exploitative behaviour routinely viewed as ‘normal’ in husbands/male partners on here.

I think a lot of Mners are superstitious about affairs and vitriolically condemn them on here in much the same way as they avoid walking under ladders or avoid smashing mirrors — for fear that their male partner will have sex with someone else. There’s no point. You can’t ward them off with garlic. They just happen, sometimes. And cause hurt and damage. But suggesting an affair is akin to genocide won’t magically keep your spouse faithful.

This is so clear and well thought out.

Absolutely agree with everything written here.

A good friend of mine is cheating on her OH of 25 years. He's a dullard and always has been. She is wonderful fun and the life and soul of any party. I never understood the attraction when they started dated, but we weren't close friends when they got together.

I've had a heart to heart with her about her several affairs.

Her childhood meant she chose a "safe" partner for life. The older he's got, the more boring he's got. He stopped having sex with her 15 years ago. Her Christian faith means that divorce is not an option for "he's just too dull and we don't have sex". (She has no answer for lining up her extra marital sex with her faith)

She knows I don't approve. She knows she's not going to change her life because of my disapproval. I'm sticking with her, as I love her and now understand why she's made those choices. She's now more at arms length than she used to be, as I can't bear the deceitful side to her.

Only you can make your decision about your life and your friend. You need to be at peace with where you land.

If she had been a good friend to me then no, of course I wouldn't break off a friendship.

Her marriage is absolutely none of your business.

Exactly. It’s a bit more nuanced than all cheaters are horrific, despicable people. And it’s a pretty stupid thing to say.

Some estimates say 60% of people who are married have an affair. They can’t all be awful, horrific people..!

Gosh I’d be very supportive of my friend in those circumstances rather than ‘disapproving’ - your poor friend.

I’m not sure what I think on this one.
Before I ready the post, my initial reaction was ‘why would you ditch your friend over that, it’s not like she cheated on you’.

But having read your post, it’s a bit like you never knew her. She kept such a huge part of her life hidden away from you. But then also I guess she wasn’t going to tell anyone.

Hmm, I don’t know.
Not helpful. Sorry.

You can support a person through something whilst disapproving of their actions.

I'm happy for you that you've never had to experience doing so.

Does happen and I have done it. I prefer my friends to not be dickheads.

I've supported friends in leaving their partner's, but I won't support them in cheating on their partner.

If nothing else, socialising with a cheat would make me less trustworthy to DP, and fuck that for a laugh.

If she'd told you about the cheating then you would have been party to the deception going forward. She clearly didn't want you to be in that position.

And no, I wouldn't ditch a good friend for this. None of my friendship group would, we've talked about it. It's 100% no judgement, unless of course they shagged one of our husbands. And even then I'm open to hearing everyone out.

I mean we used to joke about helping each other bury our husbands under the patio in Covid times when we were sick of them working from home.…

I wouldn’t judge an affair I’d just want to make sure my friend was ok and talk through what she was going through and what the best option would be going forward. Zero judgement and friends are everything. Not some random husband!

I would probably ask her why? And was it worth risking hurting her husband and breaking up her family for ? but I’ve been friends with my oldest friends for over 40 years , we’ve been through thick and thin together , so no I wouldnt judge and end my friendship.

I can’t imagine being that sanctimonious or judgemental with a close friend.

I don’t suppose it will be much of a loss to your ‘friend’, OP.

I think you’d probably say ‘is this worth blowing up your life over?’ but zero judgement and it wouldn’t affect the friendship with a close friend.

"Her Christian faith means that divorce is not an option..."

Does her Christian faith promote infidelity/adultery as an alternative then?

What an odd and hyperbolic post.

Having an affair isn’t akin to genocide and unless I missed it I haven’t seen a post suggesting anything of the kind.

As for vitriol I haven’t seen much of that either. People who have extramarital affairs are dishonest and deceitful- that’s just a statement of fact.

I do agree that infidelity is ordinary though. Entirely predictable and boringly cliched.

Ordinary and common doesn't make it acceptable though.

Affairs wrecks people’s lives. I’m not going to support a friend who chooses to hurt people.

It’s not superstition, I’m just choosey about who I spend my time with.

I’d be dumping her for the staggering hypocrisy let alone anything else.

I find using her alleged Christian faith to have her cake and eat it pretty disgusting.

I’d just lose all respect.

Your "friend" is making you part of the deceit and using you as cover for her sexual dalliances behind her husband's back.

You should have told the husband that time, "no, she didn't stay with me that night", and see how she'd try to squirm out of it.

It seems they do as long as they are not the ones being cheated on.

But you’d sure as hell judge your friend’s husband for having an affair?

Don't forget, she is abusing her husband. Cheating is always abuse. Are you comfortable being friends with someone who is doing the mental equivalent of slapping her husband in the face repeatedly? Cheating destroys trust, makes people question themselves, the one person in you life you should be able to trust and turn to is the one who took vows to stay faithful and love you and care for you. It is headfuckery beyond belief.

Cheaters are abusing their partners and they are abject liars. The only people who ever try to deny this are cheaters and their doormat partners - who are practicing self deception to try to tolerate the intolerable.

If you are uncomfortable being around a lying abuser, I don't blame you.