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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ditch a friend for cheating on her OH?

152 replies

SeenHerSelina · 05/09/2025 16:24

Been best friends since each of our first kids were born 16 years ago, I thought I knew everything about her. Always thought her OH was a bit quiet, maybe even unsociable but that contradicts all the stories about him from my friend about how outgoing he was before kids came along, and maybe quite naturally kids changed all that. BY all accounts though he’s a nice bloke, good Dad and very attentive and romantic to his OH.

I’ve been out occasionally with my friend over the years, she attracts the attention of men but nothing unusual in that I guess.

Through a mutual friend I heard what I thought/hoped was an unthinkable rumour that she’d been unfaithful with someone it turns out we both know. When I put it to her thinking it was scandalous, she told it was true and the details even more gruesome than rumoured. She then went on to reveal that before they had kids she’d been cheating behind his back for years.

I’m totally shocked and struggling to see her the same way I did before. I can’t help but feel deceived, but I also feel completely stupid for judging her OH.

There is one occasion that I can’t get out of my head a few years ago when I left her walking back from a night out with a guy. A few weeks later her OH made passing reference about her coming home the following morning, assuming she’d stayed at mine. I haven’t asked her about it, I almost don’t want to know.

AIBU to just ditch her as a friend?

OP posts:
Catsandcannedbeans · 05/09/2025 17:17

Morals aside, I would be wanting out because this is definitely going to blow up since she can’t keep her mouth shut. If other people already know it’s only a matter of time before her husband finds out and I really couldn’t be arsed to be in the crossfire. If any of my pals are cheaters at least they have the common sense to be sneaky.

Delatron · 05/09/2025 17:18

I’d ask her if she wanted to talk about it. You never know what is going on behind closed doors.

Personally I am sure someone can be a good friend but also be unfaithful to their husband. But then I’m not a particularly judgemental person.

Is it 50% of marriages end in divorce. What percentage of people have affairs? Are they all terrible people and bad friends? Life and love is complicated.

Cynic17 · 05/09/2025 17:21

The thing is, OP, our friends are people we love and are loyal to, no matter what they do.
I think she may really need you, so please stop judging her and be a good friend to her.

JustForYouMyDear · 05/09/2025 17:25

I have 2 friends who’ve had affairs. The first, told me about the affair whilst it was happening. I was so angry that she’d landed that information on me, because I also knew her husband. She later told me the affair ended, which turned out to be untrue. Her husband found out and immediately ended the relationship. She has stayed with the affair partner. We are still friends but I rarely see her because he is a complete idiot, so being in their company is not for me.

My other friend, part of a married couple, had an affair also. I am equally friends with both of the couple. Again, the OH found out. Nobody had any idea this affair was happening. They split up for a few months but then got back together. It did impact my friendship with them. We’re still friends but I do see the one who had the affair differently now. The OH was devastated and still not back to their previous self, that’s hard to see.

Lavender14 · 05/09/2025 17:26

TartanMammy · 05/09/2025 16:30

Because an affair says a lot about someone's values and how the treat people. This wasn't just an affair either, she's a serial cheater.

I would definitely think differently about a friend who behaved like this and would perhaps put some distance between us.

Show quote history

I agree with this but I do think there is nuance to it and there are probably very specific circumstances where I'd be inclined to turn a blind eye. (I've been cheated on twice in long term relationships so I don't say that lightly) I don't think this would be one of them though. Her flippance about it would put me off completely and also the fact she's actually used you as an alibi - that could have put you in a very difficult position and while it's her business whether or not she lies to her spouse, if she's dragging me into it then I wouldn't be comfortable lying.

I think in this case I would be giving her a very wide berth. I would not trust someone who's prepared to gaslight and lie to a spouse so repeatedly like it's nothing. I'd really question their values and morals.

MoonlightFlit25 · 05/09/2025 17:26

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. If someone does something terrible and feels remorse, it’s one thing. But she’s a serial liar who’s been doing this repeatedly (and getting away with it thus far). I wouldn’t be able to trust them. She presumably loved her other half at one point and doesn’t have the decency to speak to them and end things. Who’s to say she wouldn’t do the same to a friend who she loves?

TY78910 · 05/09/2025 17:28

It’s simple. Your values don’t align with her values.

Wynter25 · 05/09/2025 17:32

Yanbu x

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 05/09/2025 17:33

I’d drop her for the cheating alone, but how dare she use you as a cover story?! I’d be livid. I’m baffled at all the people saying they wouldn’t have a problem with a friend who did this. Do so many people think infidelity is okay?

MyAcornWood · 05/09/2025 17:36

i would feel the same, I think. It would indicate to me that I’d misjudged their character spectacularly, and someone who’s happy to lie and cheat in such a flippant and careless way isn’t someone I’d want around me to be honest.

Original poster
SeenHerSelina · 05/09/2025 17:38

JustForYouMyDear · 05/09/2025 17:25

I have 2 friends who’ve had affairs. The first, told me about the affair whilst it was happening. I was so angry that she’d landed that information on me, because I also knew her husband. She later told me the affair ended, which turned out to be untrue. Her husband found out and immediately ended the relationship. She has stayed with the affair partner. We are still friends but I rarely see her because he is a complete idiot, so being in their company is not for me.

My other friend, part of a married couple, had an affair also. I am equally friends with both of the couple. Again, the OH found out. Nobody had any idea this affair was happening. They split up for a few months but then got back together. It did impact my friendship with them. We’re still friends but I do see the one who had the affair differently now. The OH was devastated and still not back to their previous self, that’s hard to see.

I'm struggling to know how I'll react when I see her OH without bursting into tears. I never used to give him much time of day TBH, but now I just feel terribly sorry for him. He doesn't deserve this. And the other thing, I haven't told my own OH yet, and I feel like I'm concealing it from him (but he's bound to blab). The guy she last cheated with I've looked up on FB and he is married with a nearly new born at the time my friend is meant to have cheated with him (it's not recent BTW). He's also a lot younger than us. I'm just totally shocked, not for one minute would I have guessed she could have done this, let alone more than once and in right grim, seedy circumstances.

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 05/09/2025 17:45

Cynic17 · 05/09/2025 17:21

The thing is, OP, our friends are people we love and are loyal to, no matter what they do.
I think she may really need you, so please stop judging her and be a good friend to her.

Our spouses are people we love and are loyal to, no matter what they do. Put it that way.

But friend does not love her husband, not is she loyal to him. She uses him. She abused him physically, likely financially, and emotionally. She used OP for covering for spending a night with some guy. This could end up with bad fallout for OP. "Friend" is no friend.

Plus, there's the old saying birds of a feather flock together. OP's rep is going to take a hit when this comes out. People will assume she's the same and that she's known all along.

Furrylittlesweetpotatoes · 05/09/2025 17:45

Nope, could not remain friends with her.

infidelity is thought of as abusive behaviour, it involves the removal of personal agency and right to informed sexual consent, gaslighting and manipulation. I would not be friends with anyone who could do this repeatedly and without remorse. Serial cheats are a special kind of messed up.

YeatsWater · 05/09/2025 17:55

SeenHerSelina · 05/09/2025 17:38

I'm struggling to know how I'll react when I see her OH without bursting into tears. I never used to give him much time of day TBH, but now I just feel terribly sorry for him. He doesn't deserve this. And the other thing, I haven't told my own OH yet, and I feel like I'm concealing it from him (but he's bound to blab). The guy she last cheated with I've looked up on FB and he is married with a nearly new born at the time my friend is meant to have cheated with him (it's not recent BTW). He's also a lot younger than us. I'm just totally shocked, not for one minute would I have guessed she could have done this, let alone more than once and in right grim, seedy circumstances.

Show quote history

If you never previously gave him the time of day, and thought he was dull and unsociable, how come his predicament is now going to move you to tears when you see him? Why do you now feel stupid for 'judging' him? He hasn't changed just because his wife was unfaithful.

And if this all happened a long time ago, why not just let it lie? You can't change the past and are under no obligation to tell her DH or your DH. You seem to be glorying in your own horror at it all, if you brought up the rumour to your friend, actually looked up her last affair partner on social media and checked the dates!

susiedaisy1912 · 05/09/2025 18:01

I dumped a good friend of over 20 years for the same thing op. She had no remorse at cheating and thought it was great fun. I couldn’t be friends with her after that. Been no contact with her for 14 years now and have no regrets

PearlClutzsche · 05/09/2025 18:04

Cynic17 · 05/09/2025 17:21

The thing is, OP, our friends are people we love and are loyal to, no matter what they do.
I think she may really need you, so please stop judging her and be a good friend to her.

🙄
Really? How loyal and loving is this cheat and liar to her husband?

Comedycook · 05/09/2025 18:07

You can be friends with anyone you want or not.

Personally I'd never end a friendship over this... relationships are complicated. If a friend cheated on her husband I'd still consider them a friend. My friendship is not based on their sex life.

LEM0NADEY · 05/09/2025 18:13

PicaK · 05/09/2025 16:47

Why is she having affairs-tell her to go get counselling, check with her GP if she's on other medication or has stopped medicating. Bipolar? Could she be autistic (it's more prevalent). She's risking her own happiness.
Or ditch and run and assume she's evil.

are you saying autistic people are more likely to have affairs?

Helpel · 05/09/2025 18:14

Imagine a man dumping his best mate cause he was cheating on his wife. Wouldn’t happen. (Apart from the one person who will come on here to say her husband did just that of course!). Women are their own worst enemies sometimes. She’s your best mate- tell her what you think of her behaviour by all means, but don’t just dump her!

WarmWasabi · 05/09/2025 18:16

SeenHerSelina · 05/09/2025 17:38

I'm struggling to know how I'll react when I see her OH without bursting into tears. I never used to give him much time of day TBH, but now I just feel terribly sorry for him. He doesn't deserve this. And the other thing, I haven't told my own OH yet, and I feel like I'm concealing it from him (but he's bound to blab). The guy she last cheated with I've looked up on FB and he is married with a nearly new born at the time my friend is meant to have cheated with him (it's not recent BTW). He's also a lot younger than us. I'm just totally shocked, not for one minute would I have guessed she could have done this, let alone more than once and in right grim, seedy circumstances.

Show quote history

Bursting into tears? You sound way too invested. Definitely create some distance and stop being so deeply involved in others lives.

WarmWasabi · 05/09/2025 18:16

Helpel · 05/09/2025 18:14

Imagine a man dumping his best mate cause he was cheating on his wife. Wouldn’t happen. (Apart from the one person who will come on here to say her husband did just that of course!). Women are their own worst enemies sometimes. She’s your best mate- tell her what you think of her behaviour by all means, but don’t just dump her!

I agree. The ones judging hardest are the ones with most to hide..

Sera1989 · 05/09/2025 18:17

I would also struggle to see her in the same way. She’s not the person I thought she was and I don’t want friends who have bad morals which includes betraying their partners. If it was a single mistake I might be able to get over it, but years of cheating I don’t think so. Plus she’d have hidden years of secrets from me, the person who was supposed to be her best friend. And now I have to keep her secret from her partner and be involved in the lies. It’s not the kind of company or life I want

CharityShopMensGlasses · 05/09/2025 18:19

It's a hard situation, one of my mates was cheating on her boyfriend I didn't like the situation but he was a bit of a plum too so I tried to continue our friendship. But then she got with this really earnest, honest guy who is besotted with her ..and was trying to meet up with Mr Plum for sex. It just triggered me too much I felt so awful for the earnest guy who felt he'd won the lottery being with her. I told her I couldn't be involved with the drama. I didn't want to meet Mr Earnest again because I'd feel too shit about it.

Ilovelurchers · 05/09/2025 18:20

Personally I wouldn't, but you are entitled to be friends with anyone you want. It sounds like you don't like her now you know this about her, so probably best to draw a line under the friendship. It doesn't have to be a massive drama - just do a slow fade ....

Hoolihan · 05/09/2025 18:21

There's pretty much nothing my close friends could do for me to cut contact with them. This doesn't even come close.