To ditch a friend for cheating on her OH?

[SeenHerSelina]

Been best friends since each of our first kids were born 16 years ago, I thought I knew everything about her. Always thought her OH was a bit quiet, maybe even unsociable but that contradicts all the stories about him from my friend about how outgoing he was before kids came along, and maybe quite naturally kids changed all that. BY all accounts though he’s a nice bloke, good Dad and very attentive and romantic to his OH.

I’ve been out occasionally with my friend over the years, she attracts the attention of men but nothing unusual in that I guess.

Through a mutual friend I heard what I thought/hoped was an unthinkable rumour that she’d been unfaithful with someone it turns out we both know. When I put it to her thinking it was scandalous, she told it was true and the details even more gruesome than rumoured. She then went on to reveal that before they had kids she’d been cheating behind his back for years.

I’m totally shocked and struggling to see her the same way I did before. I can’t help but feel deceived, but I also feel completely stupid for judging her OH.

There is one occasion that I can’t get out of my head a few years ago when I left her walking back from a night out with a guy. A few weeks later her OH made passing reference about her coming home the following morning, assuming she’d stayed at mine. I haven’t asked her about it, I almost don’t want to know.

AIBU to just ditch her as a friend?

My loyalty is with my friend. My best friend and I have been best friends for almost 40 years. We’ve been through bereavements, mental health issues, and lots of men-related disasters. While I might give advice and suggest she come clean, my love and loyalty is with her and will be with her after whatever man-related scenarios come our way. Same for her.

If it was a more casual friend or acquaintance I might think differently. But a close friend, no.

I had a friend like this. Her husband had a micro penis AND was very bad in bed. Difficult situation indeed.

It's up to you if you want to be her friend. i wouldn't break ties with her because no one outside a marriage knows what's happening in a marriage.

It’s not “just” an affair. This is a long time, repeated betrayal which has resulted in a systematic destruction of her husband as a person - and this has clearly impacted his personality and behaviour. I wouldn’t want a piece of shit like that for a friend.

That said, I wouldn’t just ditch her. I’d wind it down gradually to avoid a scene/major fallout.

I had a close friend who cheated horribly on her husband and I was so shocked when we all found out & she confessed all.

I have to admit that I have let that friendship drift because I felt like I didn't know her at all. We were close from before our kids were born & we had helped each other through lots of difficult times. She was also someone I had confided in when I found out about my own husband's infidelity, she was v sympathetic - but it turned out she had been doing the same thing to her husband at the same time!
It honestly did my head in, I was so shocked.

So I have just let it drift. Our kids are near adult now so we had to make an effort to meet anyway.
She hasn't made an effort back either so that's fine by me.
When I think of her now I just feel like she was a fake friend really.

This is an actual friendship. PP take note.

Exactly. Also other people’s sex lives are none of my business. If everyone was so judgemental then about 50% of the population wouldn’t have friends….

I would always have my friend’s back over their DH..

Aye bugger being roped in as the alibi.

No i wouldn't ditch my friends over this. I love my best friends almost unconditionally, I am a safe space for them and they can come to me for anything. The feeling is mutual with my friendships. Men come and go, even long term relationships but most of my friendships last a lifetime. They dont judge me, nor I them. You dont fully know her relationship with her OH. I get that you might see her differently but she hasn't wronged you. Tbh, she might actually be better off without you. I wouldn't want a friend who would dump me because they dont agree with something I've done. They can feel free to tell me how they feel, but that's where it ends. Maybe speak to her about it. But ultimately your role as a friend is to be there for her, not her husband.

I just wouldn't be able to see her in the same light. Same for me with a colleague who's been shagging her married boss - no longer interested in being friendly with her when I have to see his wife about town.

This wasn't a one off mistake. It's a lifestyle choice.
I would definitely consider ending a friendship with someone who had been using me as their cover story for shagging around, especially without my knowledge & consent.

We form attachments with people over shared values and world-views. If you later find out that you had mis-judged the other person, and their values don't align with yours, you are under no obligation to remain friends with them.

With respect @SeenHerSelina , this is a bit dramatic…

Bursting in to tears?? Really? Not that long ago you didn’t give him the time of day and wasn’t bothered about him.

Also you have no idea about their relationship or what he’s like at home. If your OH can’t keep his gob shut then I suggest not telling him.

I think it’s best you end the friendship.

The only two people who know what is going on in a marriage, are the two people in it.

You do not know the background or the state of their relationship. You have no way of knowing if there is an abusive dynamic.

If you have known and liked and trusted your friend for a very long time, I suggest you trust your original view of your friend, and stop judging her. Express your discomfort if you must but do not apportion blame. Wait to see what the fallout is.

The only situation in which this would make sense was if you were equally friendly with the OP's OH, which you seem not to be. In that case, your friend's infidelity is none of your business. It's not your place to be so judgemental. Even if you do condemn what she did, the rest of her is still your friend!

I have some very close friends I would take a literal bullet for & would forgive them anything but they are a small inner circle.

The friend I let drift was not as close and I definitely couldn't see her in the same light at all.

I wouldn't end a friendship over it. I might be a bit more careful if I was entrusting her with anything, maybe it would become a bit more surface level but if I enjoyed their company I wouldn't stop talking to them.

So I am having an affair. My husband is a chronic alcoholic who was told he had a choice between continuing to drink and dying of alcoholic dementia in the next 2-3 years Or stopping drinking completely and the chance of a normal life expectancy. He is 58. He chose 2-3 more years of ‘fun’.
Im condemned to watch him die. Whilst caring for someone with dementia.
My boyfriend helps make it all bearable.
our kids know
our friends know
they are all very happy for me but at the same time love their dad/friend. Alcoholism is a disease but they don’t want me to waste my life away on someone else’s life choices.

why tell you this ?
to demonstrate that life is NEVER straightforward.

my best friend has never judged and understands. You will never know what goes on in someone else’s marriage.

Surprised how many posters don’t care about this.
Id take some time to see how I feel. Probably be more distant from now on. I wouldnt be able to hide my views.

I wouldn’t ditch my friend, no-one really knows about other peoples marriages. I would tell her what I think about it though and I would definitely never lie for her over it.

I would also have more sympathy for one affair partner, I could see how that could happen but shagging around could put her husbands health at risk and that would bother me a lot.

Respectfully why are you still married and looking after him?

I've seen some silly comments on here but this is really up there 😂

I think how someone treats (1) people they purport to love, (2) people they have made promises/vows to; and (3) people they perceive as vulnerable, poor or of lower status than them, are all really significant indicators of their core values.

I'm sorry for your situation. But why don't you leave? Surely that's cleaner and less confusing for your kids.

Well of course, you must ditch her if you find her morally repugnant. You cannot be friends with people whose behaviour disgusts you. And the fact that she is a flagrant, unrepentant liar is deeply concerning - if she will lie to him she will certainly lie to and about you. You're not more special to her than her cuckolded husband.

Liars are dangerous. Unrepentant, well practised ones even more so. She's already used you as an excuse, it sounds like. Liars always drag normal people into their shit, one way or another. And if people know she's a betrayer and liar and you are good friends with her you risk been tarred by the same brush.

You have an absolute right to your own moral compass and anyone who shocks, revolts, disturbs you is not a person to be friends with.

And in case anyone tries the don't judge line - you absolutely must should and can judge, everyone judges, it's how we stay safe, anyone who gives you shit for judging is a) a liar as they use their judgement all the time just like everyone else and b) showing a red flag, only people doing shitty things and trying to conceal them trot out the "don't judge me line".

Dump her with a clear conscience and distance yourself from her seedy behaviour.

And yet many people on the thread have said exactly the same.

I wouldn't automatically ditch the friend but I think it would change my view of them and I might well draw away somewhat or even completely. It's the deceit I would despise.