Step-child and wedding exclusion

[Dazedandconfusec]

I have never posted on here to write a post before but have been on here long enough to know there are hundreds of posts about how a man has raised a child as his own only for his family to draw a line and not invite the stepchild to their wedding.

My child is 12 and has a fully involved father, never 50:50 because of the nature of his work but he is involved, sees her all the time and they have just got back from a two week holiday.

I am just so angry that my brother-in-law has not invited her to his wedding, the wedding where her step-dad is best man and her little half-sister is a bridesmaid. Her half-brother is also invited. I am the mother to all of them.

I know she has a whole life without us, in many ways she is more privileged than her siblings but I am just angry and tearful about this.

But from what you say your current husband hasn’t ’raised her as his own’ — understandably, as she has a fully-involved father?

She has a father. Do you expect all her siblings to be invited to weddings on his side?

I'd be upset too if one of my children wasn't invited.

Does your daughter spend much time with your DH family? Family gatherings etc?

What has your DH said about it?

I think it's poor form to not invite a child of a household to an event when the other children are all invited.

If she was 25 then it's different, but actually excluding one child in a family is rude.

We have guardianship of DN and I'd think it equally rude if anyone invited everyone in our household except him.

Your DH may not be her Father but you are a family and as such I would invite you all - I think it is a very odd concept to not invite one child from a family because they are not blood related. Yes, she could go to her Dads but that is beside the point.
From the childs perspective they are being excluded.
I've got two children who I am very grateful are fully accepted by my DH's family and are invited to everything that me, DH and our joint child are.

This nonsense always gets brought out here. This is NOT the same. Her siblings don't live with her father, and he's not their step father and doesn't have any kind of relationship with them. You can't compare that to a relationship where she's living 50% of the time with her stepfather.

While she has a fully involved father. She has lived with her stepfather for nearly nine years.

My other children have absolutely nothing to do with my ex so of course they’re not invited to anything on his side.

I can’t believe she could be left out of BiL’s wedding, not as a bridesmaid or anything but as a guest with the rest of her household.

9 years is most of her life! This is absolutely hurtful, your poor daughter.

I think if I'm being honest here- if I was in your situation I'd be so upset about it I'd not go. I realise I am stubborn and not advising you do this of course but that's really hurtful of your BIL.

I would want to know if it’s intentional or if he just didn’t think it through. If it’s the former I just wouldn’t go, I wouldn’t have my family carved up like that, your children are siblings.

This is awful, of course you should be upset. How the hell people support this decision i will never understand. And this is meant to be mostly mums on this forum! Excluding one child in a family unit because she's not biologically his! Surely you have been together a number of years if you have 2 children together.

You are one unit, he may not be her biological father but he is a stepdad. To exclude one child is cruel.
My brother met his wife who had a child. We would never have excluded him and all of us have an amazing relationship with him. The thing is, my brother would have stood up to us if we have went down that path. I think the onus is on your husband,
I feel for you and your daughter.

Thats awful! What does your DH think? Id leave it to him to tussle this out with his brother and id be sure he communicated what a dick I thought he was!!

I often read posts by parents expecting way too much of their partner’s family towards step children, and think it is so unfair to expect non blood relations to do. But this is not one of those posts. You are absolutely right to be upset and angry about this. It’s really shitty not to include your DD when the whole rest of the household has been invited. I’m so sorry, OP.

Surely your DH is equally upset? He should take this up with his brother, you shouldn’t have to.

If nothing changes, then I would be fine with my husband and other children going, but I wouldn’t attend and would do something really lovely and special one-on-one on the day with my DD. And I would never let her know she had been excluded.

@Dazedandconfusec When you go to family gatherings is she there? You say she has a half brother and half sister so i assume there are 5 of you in total.
How often is she at her fathers?

If she hardly knows your DH's side of the family as she is never with you when you see them then you could understand to a certain extent her not being thought of (not deliberately not invited).

Could it be she hasnt been thought of rather than intentionally not invited?
Has your DH had a call with his family about this?

I’ve met my brother’s stepchild once.

Why would I invite her to my wedding?

I (don’t leave it to your Dh) would casually drop in a comment to them about accidentally forgetting her and see what they say. Keep it light hearted and friendly.

I think it’s very cruel of them to not invite her. Hopefully it is just an innocent mistake!

I agree it is wrong to exclude a child. But for clarity, does your dd actually know the BIL and his fiancée? Does she go along to family get togethers with your DH’s family? Or does she tend to be with her Dad and his side? For example, Christmas meet ups, your parent in laws’ birthdays.

I do think that she should be invited and attended the day with you as a guest.

This is really hurtful. I have a DS in a similar position (has an involved father but has had stepdad since he was 3/4) and would be so upset if he was the only child not invited to a close family wedding.

I agree with this poster. Your DH's view on this is key.

Could he have just thought she would be at her dads so didn't include her on the invite? He could have not thought anything of it.

It is very hurtful if they have purposely alienated her though, I think DH needs to speak to him.

This, am hoping is unintentional oversight!
Has dh not contacted them to ask?

None of my children would be going, if only one of my children were excluded.

She is a full part of your family. It is awful to invite 2 out of 3 children in any family for any reason. Likely he is just tight on numbers and thoughtless rather than deliberately hurtful. I would be hurt though.

No idea why rare on mumsnet for people to think it is ok to exclude less than half the class from a children's birthday party but ok to invite 4 out of 5 from a household.

YANBU. I would send DH with kids but there is no way I would go without my daughter.

And if you posted as a step-mother whose brother was excluding your step-daughter from his wedding, everyone would be telling you and your family are spiteful and cruel for excluding a child.

I can honestly say it didn’t even occur to me to invite my brother’s step child. I wasn’t being excluding, I just have absolutely no relationship with the child.

I’ve met the child once, at a pre-Christmas meet up at least 10 years ago and never seen them since.

We never talk about the child, my brother never mentions them.

I’ve met his partner slightly more often, but not her child. Also. The child is not my brother’s child.

I can honestly say it didn’t even occur to me that they should be invited.

We are already at a small wedding and some people are invited only to the evening do, and plenty are invited without children, the only “children” are my own adult kids and my grandchildren, my partners children (he has no grandchildren yet) and my brother’s adult children from his first marriage.

In this situation I’d be expecting you dh to speak to his brother and if no change refuse to attend