Page 11 | Step-child and wedding exclusion

CagneyNYPD1 · 08/09/2025 19:23

I think you have made the right decision @Dazedandconfusec

Hopefully, you can arrange something lovely either with her dad or with you. But I would breezily tell the adults involved that dd will be with you that weekend as her dad is likely to be busy so you won’t be available to attend.

Let’s face it, they want your DH and the younger, cute ones there. The ones that will look cute in the photos. The “real” niece and nephew, grandchildren. That’s what is really going on here. And now you know.

So move forward with grace but with the knowledge that this is where they stand. You can’t change it or fight it, just drop the rope.

MimiGC · 08/09/2025 19:27

Your BIL and future SIL are being very mean. With the divorce rate as high as it is, there is a good chance that either or both of them will end up with a blended family themselves in the future. They might reflect then on what they did to yours.

BlueMum16 · 08/09/2025 19:36

Dazedandconfusec · 08/09/2025 14:54

I can’t believe that over 80% of people supported me. I thought people would be less sympathetic to me than the all too many threads on the same subject because my daughter has a fully involved father.

Now you need to be really glad you don’t know me in real life because I am now even more upset that people agree with me.

My husband was going to ask for an invitation and at the last minute I changed my mind I just told him to say I wouldn’t be there as I needed to be with my eldest. All BiL said was couldn’t her father have her. My husband did say to him that he was shocked that they hadn’t invited her though and the response was they couldn’t invite everyone.

At the weekend she had been sitting helping younger one with a sticker book of brides and bridesmaids that was in the box that sister-in-law sent.

I am going to speak with my ex and I hope that he can take her so she never finds out she isn’t invited.

I am most definitely not going under any circumstances no matter what, even if they send an invitation in a gold box.

What I will do though is sort the dress out for my younger daughter. There is no way I would let her down like that.

I genuinely appreciate people posting as I was at a low ebb. I guess weddings put us in our place don’t they?

I think you have done the right thing.

For what it's worth my 'step' niece was my bridesmaid. Her brother was only a toddler so didn't play a part.

I can't believe people would split a family like this for the sake of a wedding invitation for a child.

OnTheRoof · 08/09/2025 19:57

Dazedandconfusec · 08/09/2025 18:17

Crazyworldmum

I think this would be very unfair to my younger daughter especially with her being a bridesmaid.

I am very sad.

You're right. Even if your DH were on board with preventing his DC from seeing their paternal family if DD1 isn't included, it would be poor parenting. I think you've probably made the best choice you can in the circumstances.

TheTwitcher11 · 08/09/2025 20:16

Dazedandconfusec · 05/09/2025 10:29

I have never posted on here to write a post before but have been on here long enough to know there are hundreds of posts about how a man has raised a child as his own only for his family to draw a line and not invite the stepchild to their wedding.

My child is 12 and has a fully involved father, never 50:50 because of the nature of his work but he is involved, sees her all the time and they have just got back from a two week holiday.

I am just so angry that my brother-in-law has not invited her to his wedding, the wedding where her step-dad is best man and her little half-sister is a bridesmaid. Her half-brother is also invited. I am the mother to all of them.

I know she has a whole life without us, in many ways she is more privileged than her siblings but I am just angry and tearful about this.

No offence, but I wouldn’t want to attend the wedding of someone who needs to be CONVINCED to do the right thing. Don’t drag your child to a place where she is not welcome.

7372RR · 09/09/2025 09:37

Totally agree with you not going, the only thing I would change is I wouldn't ask her dad to have her (though you may be doing this so that you can help your younger children get ready on the day?) but I would arrange a weekend away just you and her. So that she can get really excited about time just with you, and your H can focus on getting himself and his kids sorted.

Then once you're back on the Sunday it'll be done and dusted and she'll be so excited about her time away that the wedding will barely be mentioned

Original poster

Dazedandconfusec · 09/09/2025 13:49

7372RR

Thank you. The reason I want her dad to have her is if I arranged to go away with her she might realise she is not invited to the wedding. Whereas if a holiday is arranged with her father she would think it was a coincidence. She likes weddings.

My other daughter would also be angry that I arranged something the day of the wedding.
I don’t know what to say to her to explain why I won’t be there to see her.

I am going 15 stops on the tube to the boutique to sort her dress etc.

I am also going to look at the venue to see if there is a reception, as I want to go and collect my son if he flays after the meal. I will want my husband to bring him to me without seeing anyone.

My MiL’s response was to ask why she couldn’t have a sleepover with a friend not I am so sorry my younger son is a mean arsehole.

OP posts:

Bunny65 · 09/09/2025 14:05

Honestly OP, I’m so sorry you have such mean in-laws. They are close family and know your daughter well. I think they should know how you feel about it at least, otherwise it seems they will continue to delude themselves that you would have been there if it hadn’t been for “babysitting”.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/09/2025 19:43

That's so shitty. I'm so sorry. If I were you, I'd play no part in the flower girl dress, let your DH sort it. I'd also have nothing to do with gift buying, leave it all to DH, it's his family after all. It's a shame your DH didn't bring up that she's part of his family and how disappointed he was for a child in his household to be actively excluded.

I'm so stubborn, none of us would be going if this happened to us. Well done for making a stand. Some people are just so bloody thoughtless. BIL should have had a conversation with you both beforehand when they were drafting guest lists.

Tandora · 09/09/2025 20:00

Dazedandconfusec · 09/09/2025 13:49

7372RR

Thank you. The reason I want her dad to have her is if I arranged to go away with her she might realise she is not invited to the wedding. Whereas if a holiday is arranged with her father she would think it was a coincidence. She likes weddings.

My other daughter would also be angry that I arranged something the day of the wedding.
I don’t know what to say to her to explain why I won’t be there to see her.

I am going 15 stops on the tube to the boutique to sort her dress etc.

I am also going to look at the venue to see if there is a reception, as I want to go and collect my son if he flays after the meal. I will want my husband to bring him to me without seeing anyone.

My MiL’s response was to ask why she couldn’t have a sleepover with a friend not I am so sorry my younger son is a mean arsehole.

My MiL’s response was to ask why she couldn’t have a sleepover with a friend

😯. your DH needs to be direct and tell his mother that- no, you are not carting off one of your children to someone else while the rest of their family attend an event they are not welcome at.

Crunchymum · 09/09/2025 20:04

You don't leave one child from a household out. It's an utterly shit thing to do.

The non related child doesn't need to be involved in the wedding itself but they should be invited and @Dazedandconfusec your DH should have raised this with his brother a long time ago. Before you ever knew your DD wasn't invited.

InMyShowgirlEra · 09/09/2025 21:20

As a Stepmum, I'd think that was horrible. SD has been invited as part of our family to every wedding we've been to since we met, friends and family. There's absolutely no way I'd attend a wedding, or let my other child attend, if we were all invited except SD and I'm shocked that you're considering it as her mother.

Original poster

Dazedandconfusec · 10/09/2025 08:32

InMyShowgirlEra

Because I am the mother of three not one.

I think we would have acted differently (and maybe the groom would have as well) if my elder daughter did not have an active and involved father.

I can’t turn round to my bridesmaid daughter and say she can’t go and take part because her uncle hasn’t invited my eldest who goes off and spends time with her own uncle and aunts.

I won’t go but won’t stop my younger kids going.

I think it’s awful that a brother wouldn’t invite his own brother’s household.

OP posts:

mcmooberry · 10/09/2025 09:00

Totally agree with you OP and would do exactly what you plan to do. Assume these people haven’t got children, maybe when/if they do they won’t have such a cavalier disregard for children’s feelings.

OnTheRoof · 10/09/2025 09:03

I'm invariably shocked when people think women in OPs situation can make their DCs attendance at special events in the paternal family conditional on the acceptance of a stepchild.

As well as being absolutely piss poor parenting, it's usually suggested to women whose partners show no sign of being up for that either. It's to OPs credit that she isn't considering it.

Ohthatsabitshit · 10/09/2025 09:17

In my family none of us would attend. I know it’s hard on all the children for different reasons but we are savage about defending each of them. BIL has drawn a line with your eldest outside. I’d be moving that boundary around your own and leave him to feel outside.
No backtracking on their side now would move me from that stance.

IneedtheeohIneedtheeeveryhourIneedthee · 10/09/2025 09:31

Dazedandconfusec · 08/09/2025 16:00

Crazyworldmum I know you’re on my side

but …,

and how would we explain this to my younger daughter?

exactly how @Crazyworldmum said - we are a family and we do things together.

InMyShowgirlEra · 10/09/2025 09:37

Dazedandconfusec · 10/09/2025 08:32

InMyShowgirlEra

Because I am the mother of three not one.

I think we would have acted differently (and maybe the groom would have as well) if my elder daughter did not have an active and involved father.

I can’t turn round to my bridesmaid daughter and say she can’t go and take part because her uncle hasn’t invited my eldest who goes off and spends time with her own uncle and aunts.

I won’t go but won’t stop my younger kids going.

I think it’s awful that a brother wouldn’t invite his own brother’s household.

I'd face it head on and say frankly to BIL that he invites everyone or no-one and if your eldest isn't invited, they need to find a new flower girl. They need to be made aware that what they've done isn't acceptable, and your youngest needs to be made aware that we don't socialise with people who exclude our family.

Original poster

Dazedandconfusec · 10/09/2025 09:42

Ohthatsabitshit

That’s a wonderful sentiment and I think such a stance would be acceptable if my elder daughter didn’t have a father in her life or even if my husband decided to take this position.

While he has expressed disappointment to his mother and brother he is still going but hasn’t suggested that I should go anyway.

I think in our family any disappointment my elder daughter might have at missing a wedding (in the context of her having a fully involved loving family of her own) would be eclipsed at the upset of my younger daughter.

My son is only really interested in Chelsea and Hot Wheels but my younger daughter is just so happy.

So people would stop her from going and taking part in her uncle’s wedding where conceivably my elder daughter could be asked to be a bridesmaid for her own father’s family? I could not do this.

As for not going to the shop and getting the dress and shoes; I think she would enjoy the experience more with me than with her dad who would be uncomfortable anyway.

This is controversial as well but I don’t want my son to be potentially tired on the day and ruin the evening for my husband Domingo want to go and collect him as long as I don’t have to go into actual wedding room. I bet people will think I am a soft touch.

mcmooberry

The bridal couple don’t have kids but obviously MiL and SiL do and they aren’t really up in arms, just suggesting alternative care rather than putting peon BiL not that it would make a difference now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dazedandconfusec · 10/09/2025 09:46

But there are elements of my elder daughter’s life that my younger one is excluded from.

My MiL apparently said elder would have been invited as her exclusion will mean the logistics will be difficult in the morning!

OP posts:

Notagain75 · 10/09/2025 09:52

bastarddad · 05/09/2025 10:35

She has a father. Do you expect all her siblings to be invited to weddings on his side?

That isn't the same is it? OPs other children won't have been involved or know anyone on her eldest daughter's father's side of the family!

OnTheRoof · 10/09/2025 09:54

Dazedandconfusec · 10/09/2025 09:42

Ohthatsabitshit

That’s a wonderful sentiment and I think such a stance would be acceptable if my elder daughter didn’t have a father in her life or even if my husband decided to take this position.

While he has expressed disappointment to his mother and brother he is still going but hasn’t suggested that I should go anyway.

I think in our family any disappointment my elder daughter might have at missing a wedding (in the context of her having a fully involved loving family of her own) would be eclipsed at the upset of my younger daughter.

My son is only really interested in Chelsea and Hot Wheels but my younger daughter is just so happy.

So people would stop her from going and taking part in her uncle’s wedding where conceivably my elder daughter could be asked to be a bridesmaid for her own father’s family? I could not do this.

As for not going to the shop and getting the dress and shoes; I think she would enjoy the experience more with me than with her dad who would be uncomfortable anyway.

This is controversial as well but I don’t want my son to be potentially tired on the day and ruin the evening for my husband Domingo want to go and collect him as long as I don’t have to go into actual wedding room. I bet people will think I am a soft touch.

mcmooberry

The bridal couple don’t have kids but obviously MiL and SiL do and they aren’t really up in arms, just suggesting alternative care rather than putting peon BiL not that it would make a difference now.

There are people saying they would/have, but noticeably none of them have mentioned having a partner who still intends to go and shows no indication that they'd be willing to stop their DC from going either.

Quite apart from the ethics of the matter, this course of action does also require a DH who's on board with his own children's wider familial relationships potentially being collateral.

lunar1 · 10/09/2025 12:44

You are doing way too much to facilitate this shitshow. Your daughter is going to find out about the wedding, better to know that she spent a weekend away with her mum, than you spent the time running around helping their day go smoothly.

as if it’s not shit enough being the step children Theo other children have their parents together. I strongly feel that your priorities are completely wrong here.

MyElatedUmberFinch · 10/09/2025 12:48

lunar1 · 10/09/2025 12:44

You are doing way too much to facilitate this shitshow. Your daughter is going to find out about the wedding, better to know that she spent a weekend away with her mum, than you spent the time running around helping their day go smoothly.

as if it’s not shit enough being the step children Theo other children have their parents together. I strongly feel that your priorities are completely wrong here.

Edited

I agree, I wouldn’t do the wedding pick up or the bridesmaid dress stuff.

TheBerMonths · 10/09/2025 13:39

It sounds like in laws are being incredibly dense and just view the problem as a childcare issue, rather than realising you're upset.

I would let them know that you are trying to arrange something for her to do with her dad so she never has to find out she wasn't invited to the wedding, which is 100% true anyway. Then the penny might drop that they're being unkind.