Step-child and wedding exclusion

[Dazedandconfusec]

I have never posted on here to write a post before but have been on here long enough to know there are hundreds of posts about how a man has raised a child as his own only for his family to draw a line and not invite the stepchild to their wedding.

My child is 12 and has a fully involved father, never 50:50 because of the nature of his work but he is involved, sees her all the time and they have just got back from a two week holiday.

I am just so angry that my brother-in-law has not invited her to his wedding, the wedding where her step-dad is best man and her little half-sister is a bridesmaid. Her half-brother is also invited. I am the mother to all of them.

I know she has a whole life without us, in many ways she is more privileged than her siblings but I am just angry and tearful about this.

She lives with them, as a family! Most/all of the time! I cannot believe she hasn't been invited.

Appalling behaviour. I wouldn't go.

Really unkind - but also she is 12 - what does your BIL expect her to do all day while the rest of her family are at a wedding . She is too young to be home alone all day . DH needs to have a chat with his brother

Quite. And I think we’re talking about a step-niece here? I’m wracking my brains to work out if I’ve got any step nieces or nephews, hardly close family

The knots people will tie themselves into just to avoid inviting one extra CHILD to a wedding baffles me. She would see her siblings in their new special outfits (even only in photos if she is shipped of to her dad's for the day), she will hear the excited chatter in the run up to the day and then have to hear all about it for days after.
I remember being 12 and the exclusion from a family event like this would sting for years.
I don't care if the bride and groom personally know the child, it's a wedding and they are unlikely to even notice the poor girl is there.

I'm not sure why you've decided to make this conversation about your wedding, when your situation is different. Step siblings and half siblings are a different thing. I still think you sound like a fairly ungenerous person from the way you've discussed your invitation policy, but it's not the same as what the OP has described. These children all live in the same house for much of the week.

This is weird - you don't know immediately if your siblings have step children?

And how do her siblings feel having heard all about her holiday with her dad, the excited chatter, the new outfits …

These stories are awful. My dad had an older child when he married my mum and after their divorce my mum had kids with new partner. I never realised how grateful I am everyone in our blended family accepted each other there were no events in my step dads family where invites were only extended to blood relations. When my younger half siblings dad died it was my dad (long divorced from my mum) who stepped into almost father figure role and took them on holiday with my mum and gave my half sister her first job. Family unit is so much more than blood its sad your bil doesnt realise that.

How often does your BIL see your daughter?

Some people have more than one dad or mum who has raised them and parented them equally.

I had to think twice to recall if any siblings had partners who had children from previous relationships

Neither me, or any of my children would be going to this wedding.

God there are some really awful families out there.

Why do people always say this kind of stuff on these threads. It’s completely different and you know it is. Her half siblings don’t live with her Father do they!

Me too.

I have squat all to do with the step children of my sibling.

However my nieces come and stay with me regularly

no issue was far as I know with that. And can’t say I’d be too bothered if there was, as long as it didn’t mean my niece was being stopped from visiting or…. A child I’ve never met before had to join my niece !

I suppose it's a bit peculiar for hosts to leave a young member of an established household out of an invitation. It's just not very nice. However if the child was older, had their own life, didn't really know the B&G, it wouldn't be so weird.

So your husband is going to ask his brother. It'll be interesting to see what the justification is if they still say no to inviting your older child.

In any event the older child already has a busy life, holidays etc with their own father / his family which doesn't include your younger children, so it's not like they are massively missing out. It's just one occasion they don't get to go with their siblings, who don't go to events the older child is invited to. It's still not very nice though.

There's no right or wrong, just shit people.

You will need to suck it up and not make a big deal so the older child doesn't feel left out.

In whose world is this acceptable?
Understand why you are upset OP it is disgraceful behaviour, beyond unkind, I wouldn't be going to the wedding.

Same here.
I would make it clear to DH that he is responsible for all the bridesmaid stuff for DD as I would have nothing to do with it. He will have to sort out childcare during the day as I would not be there. To exclude a 12 year old who presumably has not dated any trouble within the family is appalling, frankly.

Slightly different scenario for my DC.

Their dad got remarried recently. Neither of my DC went.

Wedding wasn't local to either, but ex-H it seemed couldn't be arsed to make suitable arrangement for his kids to attend.

DC are (late) teens but don't drive.

I'm pretty upset as in my mind DC should have been the priority in terms of guests.

It doesn't say much that either their dad or new stepmum didn't think about them.

I hope that your DD is invited to the wedding OP.

When young children are involved, its pretty poor on BIL's part that he hasn't extended the invitation to your whole family.

I hope you DH gets BIL to see sense.

It might not be malicious if SD is usually at her dad’s at the weekend, so she’ll be busy anyway, and the bride and groom have no relationship with her.

OP’s husband is right to say if he asks for her to come, she has to come.

We had my DHs unofficial stepsister (FIL and USS mum were never married, but together for more than 20 years) who i’d never met before at our wedding, because weddings are about making a new family out of what’s already there IMO.
How anyone can ask a sibling to celebrate and honour their new family while simultaneously shitting on the importance of that siblings family is quite baffling. Talk about getting your marriage off on the wrong foot.

Does she live with future BIL? It's ok that he doesn't have a close relationship with the pre-existing child of the woman his brother married.

Edited to say actually he is already OP's BIL

The OP doesn’t even allude to whether her BIL has any kind of relationship with her daughter

perhaps DH visits his brother on the weekends his step daughter is with her “very involved” biological father and consequently his brother and fiance have met the child… once? Twice?

Does your brother have his own children who you will invite? Think this is what makes the difference

Awful behaviour. In your shoes OP, none of us would attend.