Step-child and wedding exclusion

[Dazedandconfusec]

I have never posted on here to write a post before but have been on here long enough to know there are hundreds of posts about how a man has raised a child as his own only for his family to draw a line and not invite the stepchild to their wedding.

My child is 12 and has a fully involved father, never 50:50 because of the nature of his work but he is involved, sees her all the time and they have just got back from a two week holiday.

I am just so angry that my brother-in-law has not invited her to his wedding, the wedding where her step-dad is best man and her little half-sister is a bridesmaid. Her half-brother is also invited. I am the mother to all of them.

I know she has a whole life without us, in many ways she is more privileged than her siblings but I am just angry and tearful about this.

Absolutely nothing.

But that’s the point. She’s nothing to me.

We made the decision to only have adults at the wedding with the exception of my grandchildren.

She’s a teenager. She’s u18. She’s not invited.

I don’t know her. I’ve never met her since she was about 5. And my niece and nephew don’t consider her a sibling. They didn’t spend much time together due to the age gap, and her spending 50/50 with her dad (which she still does).

Why would we invite her?

I think it is generally rude to leave out one person if you’re inviting the rest of their household, unless they’ve done something to personally offend you. This is an established relationship and the other children of the household are invited so I think it’s a bit shitty of the BIL.

Because she's a big part of your sibling's family life and cohesion and unity is always better than division.

Why would I want to? She lives with her dad 50/50 and I see my brother regularly and she never joins him and my niece and nephew at any of our family events.

Surely the point she is nothing to you sums the lack of effort that’s been put into the family relationship.
She’s as much of your family as in law is, she’s not blood related ….

Yes. There is time to mingle and chat. Open doors for the future.

She’s not a big part of his life. He says he can’t wait for her to move out and be just him and his wife at home. He says he is done with having teenagers and he enjoys the weeks when she’s at her dad’s.

You could change that.

OP’s husband is clearly a far better stepfather than your brother is, so the situation seems somewhat different.

It’s only relevant because the OP raised it in her first post, saying there are hundreds of Mn posts about how a man has raised a child as his own for many years only for his family to draw the line at inviting his stepchild to weddings. I was saying that there’s a fully-involved father with whom this 12 year old spends a lot of time. She doesn’t need to be ‘raised as his own’ by a stepfather.

Yes, if I were inviting everyone else in the household to a wedding I would invite my brother’s stepchild, but other people (often those who have been burnt by a stepchild suddenly disappearing from their lives when the relationship that brought him or her into their family ended, sometimes without even being able to say goodbye) feel differently.

I’ve invited her and her mum to Christmas every other year when my brother comes with his own children. They choose not to come.

I love my in laws because they come with the man I love.

I have no relationship with her mother worth a damn. I see occasionally maybe once a year. I have not seen the child since she was 5.

Why am I expected to make all the effort?

She is a big part of his life, he just resents that she is. It seems like these are just common family values for your circle. It's indicative of the destruction of the family and community values that we see in wider society. Not surprising, but still pitiful.

How when I have invited her and her mother to Christmas every other year and they have never come?

I see her mother once or twice a year at a family event but she never comes.

I can’t change that. And we - my partner and I - made the decision that we would have no u18s at our wedding. And she is u18.

My brother’s choices are not mine.

Yet they are remarkably similar in their coldness and hostility. Nature or nurture?

There’s been similar situations on here before and it’s always really sad. I think DH should speak to his brother, perhaps quietly offer to pay for your child’s place if that makes a difference? But if he doesn’t budge you should stay home with your child.

You may see it that way. I’m autistic, as is my brother. (He was diagnosed in his early teens, me later in life.)

I have a stepdaughter here 50/50. And a stepson who comes in the uni holidays.

I wouldn’t expect them to be invited to my sibling’s wedding. And if my OH tried to guilt me into wangling an invite for them I’d be questioning my relationship.

I don't think autism has anything to do with it. It's about the things you find important. I'm also autistic and family values are something that I really believe in. Having a warm, welcoming family made up of people who are related and people who have joined through various channels. All being autistic means is that you strongly believe the things you believe in. The way you and your brother are is more a reflection of your upbringing than neurodiveristy. Autism just means you're less inclined to think you may be doing things wrong.

I’ve never had a warm welcoming family. (See my user name)

Im always on the side of the step-parent’s family being under no obligation to treat their step-child as a member of their family if that what they decide. But in this case I think the issues isn’t so much a “step” issue, as just leaving one person out.

If this wedding had been your DH’s best friend’s wedding, or a godparent’s wedding, at which one child were to be a bridesmaid and another guest, leaving out a third child would be just nasty. The bride and groom would know the wedding preparation and aftermath would be a topic of conversation in your home; why go out of your way to exclude one child?

Like I say I always defend the right of a person to define their family however they choose, but this isn’t that. This is just stupid and careless thoughtlessness.

With it being a story as old as time. I wonder why people are still so shocked that lots of people’s family don’t considering their child’s partners children family or in this case siblings partners child.

The only person who decided to be a step family member is the man/women and even then a lot of the time it’s more to keep the partner than actually caring deeply for the child.

See all the if my step child moved in full time I wouldn’t cope/would have to separate.

It’s like banging your head on a brick wall and expecting a different outcome to the sore head everyone else got when did the same.

Anyway, I’m out of this as it’s being derailed by people quizzing me.

good luck @Dazedandconfusec regardless of anything else I hope you get a resolution that works for you.

I wouldn't be going

And unless your DH wanted to care for thr other kids then I'd keep your other kids at home too.

The onus on him to speak to his brother and explain the situation! To not invite a child that has lived with his brother for 9 years but invite the other 2 is not nice, to put it mildly.

So the child of the person your brother lives should be considered family.

However it is ok for your ex to have nothing to do with his daughter’s half siblings who they live with because they are not his family.